A Moment

Birds are distinguishable to most by their ability to fly. When we see a feathered and beaked animal walking in the grass or swimming on a pond, it never crosses our minds that because it isn't flying at the time it isn't a bird. We accept that its behavior at any given moment does not change what it is. Unfortunately, we don't give ourselves the same courtesy. Instead, we convince ourselves that we are somehow less than because of an assessment made at a moment in time, a moment purposefully chosen to confirm what we believe.

We have certain characteristics that we accept as our own. For example, we may identify with being strong, kind, intelligent, and creative. Yet there are moments when we feel less than strong, unworthy of being considered kind, far from intelligent, and uninspired. Situations can temporarily deplete us so we have bouts with emotions that leave us to question if we are truly made up of the characteristics that we've attached ourselves to or have accepted. However, feeling anything temporarily—sadness, impatience, dependence, etc.—does not equate to permanence. Who are you is determined by more than your feelings and actions at a random moment in time, especially when the moment you have selected to assess yourself is one where you feel furthest from your center.

A moment of weakness does not make you weak. A creativity block does not make you unimaginative. A crack in your armor does not make you less of a fighter. Your feelings and how you express them at any given moment does not change who you are. Your thoughts and actions at any given moment do not change who you are. Even when you feel needy, cranky, selfish, whiny, or weak, you are made up of more. All moments, your best, your worst, and your everyday make you intricate and complex, always beautiful, always growing, and always evolving.

Sense of Self

I am a reformed trust tester. I would purposely share something relatively harmless—something that if my friends/test takers told someone else or didn't respond in a way that I deemed desirable wouldn't be soul crushing. While there is wisdom in being selective, I was testing people who had been in my life for more than a decade! I was testing people who had already proven that they were committed to the relationship. What I couldn't see was that my need to test revealed more about my inability to trust my own judgment and what I thought of myself than those I was testing.

Eventually, I transitioned and was no longer dropping pieces of my heart and seeing how those pieces were handled. I graduated to opening up and expectantly waiting for signs of abandonment. Any slight variation—and I didn't care how slight—in my interactions with others sent me heart first into an insecurity tailspin. My writer's imagination would go into hyperdrive. Scenarios filled my brain, all ending with me being deserted, explaining why our interactions changed. I expected others to walk away because that is what I felt I deserved. I expected them to be overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain because I was overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain. I expected others to treat me with the same impatience and harsh judgment that I reserved for myself. My relationships, no matter how strong or well-intentioned, could not grow until I dealt with the way that I related to myself.

It is vital to take a candid evaluation of your most important relationship. Elements of how you think of yourself are sprinkled throughout your life and your relationships with others are no exception. The health of all of your relationships is dependent on and intertwined with the health of your relationship with yourself. Essentially, your external relationships are a reflection and an extension of your internal health. When you have a healthy sense of self your relationships with others become stronger, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love because you are strong, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love.

Change Your Actions

One August afternoon, nearly twenty years ago, I was feeling happy and independent because my dad delivered a new-to-me car. I was leaving a church function when my car wouldn't start. My elation deflated. I went from feeling free to extremely dependent. My first thought was to keep trying and pray to the car gods to miraculously start it, but my dad's voice rang louder. I could hear him saying, "You'll flood it if you keep doing that!" Under normal circumstances turning the key in the ignition would start the car, but in this situation, turning the key would not give me my desired result. I needed to change my action in order to get the reaction I wanted.

We develop tactics to navigate through and cope with life. We may not be able to name or even identify our tactics, but we certainly have them. Some face challenges quickly and directly. Some use busyness and activities as distractions from reality. Others use laughter or a hard exterior as a means to convince people—including ourselves—that we are unaffected. Over time, our strategies require change. The strategies we've learned or chosen are no longer effective—and in some cases, never were—so we need to reevaluate. In order to get different reactions, we have to change our actions.

Have your days become filled with tiring repetition, leaving you disappointed and joyless? Change your actions. Have you lost the motivation to even hope for more or better or different? Change your actions. Have you convinced yourself that improvement is not possible? Change your actions. If what you've always done isn't working it is time to do something else. If what you've always said to yourself is no longer satisfying it is time to say something else. If the life you desire seems to grow more distant from where you are it is time to try something else. What do you have to lose besides what is no longer working for you? Stop turning a key in an ignition that isn't responding.

Change from Pain

There was a time when I hoarded hurt. Depending on the day, I either convinced myself not to bother anyone with it or that I couldn't trust anyone with it. The truth was that I didn't feel strong enough to deal with it. I didn't feel strong enough to share, open up, trust, be vulnerable, nor approach the healing process. Eventually, the combination of the pain and self-inflicted isolation demanded more of me. I needed to stop hoarding hurt and start healing.

Hurt is a part of life that we all experience. The sources vary, but all hurt leads us to change. Some become hardened and refuse to feel or connect with others. Some become fragile and develop an inability to cope with day-to-day stress. Most of us land somewhere in the middle. We have a tough exterior and a soft center. We ignore how we feel until it becomes undeniable and we distract ourselves in the lives of others.

The hurt that you have experienced has changed you. It may have made you more cautious or intentional about the people you allow in your life. Maybe it has led you to be externally focused in giving to others or by feeding on the negativity of others. Maybe your hurt has led you to be brutally honest with everyone but self. Or maybe you avoid being truthful and free. It's possible that you aren't exactly sure how your hurt has changed you.

When you experienced neglect, disappointment, betrayal, a health challenge, loss, and/or trauma, it impacted your personality. It altered how you handled relationships. It shifted your outlook and perception. You may interpret that to mean a negative change or one that has made you somehow less of who you were prior. That does not have to be true.

Not every change resulting from pain has to be detrimental. Pain can lead you to be more considerate of others. Pain can encourage you to focus less time on superficial interactions so that you can engage in deeper, more meaningful relationships. Pain can lead you to living more honestly and freely. In order to move forward, pain demands more of you. Working through it will show you just how powerful, resilient, and strong you are. You may not always have control of the hurt that enters your life, but you can determine how that hurt will impact your life. The only thing more tragic than the pain that you have already endured would be to give your pain the power that was intended for you.

Grow Anyway

I have never been the type to gush over flowers, but in the last year I've developed a great appreciation for one of nature's most amazing gifts. I'm intrigued that something that began as a small seed can rise up to become so colorful and beautiful and alter an entire landscape. As long as it has proper soil, water, and sunshine, a flower stretches out of the dirt to give the earth seeds and pollen while providing aesthetic and olfactory benefits to all who experience it.

All of us should strive to stretch ourselves, but growth constitutes change and change can be difficult. At times, change is encouraged by those we love, but there are occasions when the changes needed in order to grow cause others confusion, discomfort, and even anger. Yet, it remains our responsibility to determine when the concern of others is valid or when what others want is merely in conflict with what we need.

Flowers don't ask for permission to grow. Flowers don't seek approval before displaying their vivid colors. Flowers don't remain under the surface until the other seeds nearby are ready to sprout up to fulfill their purpose. Flowers grow anyway.

Growth may lead you out of a relationship in which others want you to remain. Grow anyway. Growth may direct you to a new career when your current one is lucrative or is something that you are particularly good performing. Grow anyway. Growth could lead you to a new city or state that is out of the geographic comfort zone of family and friends. Grow anyway. Growth may push you toward a path that no one else has cleared. Grow anyway.

Not everyone will understand where life is directing you. Not everyone will like or approve of your choices. If you are certain that where you are being led is what will bring you the most fulfillment and bring you closer to your best self, you owe it to yourself and everyone who gets the benefit of experiencing you to grow anyway.

Growth

One of the most fascinating things about being an aunt is watching my nieces and nephew grow. I have held them as infants, giggled as they maneuvered their first steps, winced as they got cuts and scrapes from playing outdoors, and laughed with them as they developed more thoughtful senses of humor. At times I miss the days before they were too big and independent for me to scoop them up in my arms, but it brings me joy to witness their growth.

Every single thing that lives is destined for growth. What doesn't grow individually dies or collectively becomes extinct. Physical growth is easier for people to accept because they expect it. When a baby is born, the expectation is for her to develop into a toddler, then a child, then a teenager, and finally, an adult. The expectation is for her to grow taller, stronger, and more independent. What is the expectation, though, after? What happens to the expectation of growth in adults?

The measure of an adult is attached to responsibility. On the surface, growth is evidenced by building a family and a career with pay raises and title changes. Adulthood comes with countless lessons, but because we are no longer measuring height changes or advancing in school each year, after we start a family and a career, we unfortunately expect stagnation.

Being an adult is more than building externally. Structures cannot stand if all of the attention is placed on their exterior. The foundation must be solid. The interior must be strong enough to support the weight of the structure itself, but also the impact of age and the stress of external forces. For that reason, as adults, our most important area of growth is internal.

Maybe the conversations and activities that once entertained or sustained you are becoming mundane. Maybe you realized that those who support you only provide support on conditions. Maybe where you are professionally does not provide the same satisfaction or excitement that it did initially. Maybe your life plan, including the people in it, needs an adjustment or an overhaul. Your first responsibility, as an adult, is to pay attention. Listen to those internal bells and alarms that indicate a need for change. Next, be strong enough, responsible enough, and adult enough to accept and grow into who you are becoming from within.

The Spirituality of Natural Gifts

As a kid I developed a love affair with stories. I was fascinated with the idea that people, events, and places could be created from someone's imagination. Over time my fascination evolved and I began writing my own plays, poems, novels, and short stories. My love for writing makes it easy to consider that I'd pursue publishing. I would take what I already love and share it for public consumption. What would be surprising is if I expressed myself utilizing a method that I'm not naturally inclined to do. Using my talent where I feel most comfortable and safe—creating fiction—is not nearly as impressive as tapping into something greater.

The space outside of your natural comfort zone is where spirituality patiently waits. It is where your skill becomes larger than you and any pleasure you receive from engaging with or producing it. This is where your gift becomes more than a source of inspiration and encouragement for others, it is when your gift inspires you.

My gift began to inspire me when I gave myself permission to not just write stories but to tell my story. I felt a tug of responsibility to shift from writing for entertainment to sharing a story that would invoke change. That internal tug led me directly to a place that I feared. I wrote stories so that I could mask my emotions. Openly expressing what I felt and not hiding behind a character or situation was terrifying. It demanded that I use my natural talent in a manner that I never intended. At that point I wasn't just writing, I was sharing my soul.

Take your natural talent to another height. Stretch yourself and acknowledge that your life absolutely matters. Your gifts matter. They are to be nurtured, strengthened, surrendered, and shared. When you extend your talents outward you welcome internal fulfillment. Your internal dialogue stops discouraging, doubting, and crushing your confidence. You become less focused on natural, short-term elements and more aware of spiritual, lifelong development. Be brave and committed enough to fully foster your gifts. When you thoroughly exercise the range of your natural talents you position yourself to thoroughly experience life as your story has always been written, through the lens of security and spirituality.

Read last week's post, A Life of Gratitude.

The Walkway

On a recent trip to the airport I witnessed a toddler less than excited about his day. He cried as the family received boarding passes. He cried as the family went through security. He cried as the family walked between concourses. His last fit amused me as it was a representation of the way that many go through life. He stood on a moving walkway, facing the opposite direction while repeatedly screaming, "I don't want to go!"

Life can be difficult, but in the difficulty exists opportunities to grow into larger, fuller versions of ourselves. At the time that these types of situations arrive it's not comfortable or desired. We feel that life is conspiring against us and go through periods of denial, anger, grief, confusion, and sadness. However, we always have a choice. We can choose to focus on classifying situations as fair or unfair, consequence or punishment, or we can choose to invest in our lives and use challenges to extend into more than we imagined. We can stretch ourselves, trust our inner circle, discover the source of our peace, and learn just how strong we are when we need strength most.

Maybe you are in the middle of one of those situations, one leading you to question everything and trust nothing. Maybe you feel like you are being tested in every area of your life or you are facing difficulty in one area with such intensity that you can't imagine an end or even relief. Whether you decide to turn your attention toward growth or turn your back on it and scream all the way, life will react much like that moving walkway the unhappy toddler was on—life will guide you toward the best version of yourself. You can turn away, close your eyes, scream, or even run in the opposite direction, but life will continue to take you toward achieving your best self. Use your energy to walk in the direction of your best self, not against it.

Read last week's post, Need Evolution.

Change the Message

Sort through the message clutter.

We constantly receive messages. We hear them, see them, and experience them. They come from people who know us well and those who don't. They also come from within. We are bombarded with messages and have to choose how to interpret them and live with those interpretations.

My childhood was filled with inconsistent and conflicting messages. I heard encouragement. I experienced joy. I felt included and like part of something much larger than me. However, my voice was silenced, I experienced abuse for years, and I felt isolated and like my life was not my own. I was left to take all of those messages, as extreme and differing as they were, and interpret them. The encouragement was as true as the silence. The joy was as real as the abuse. The inclusion was as authentic as the isolation. None of the messages negated the others. All of them whispered and roared to me for years.

The messages I received from both the love and the heartache did not match. It was up to me to interpret and make choices. What was I going to believe? How would I make sense of the range? The words and actions of others delivered messages, but it was up to me, ultimately, to be the messenger for my life. It was up to me to use the messages to heal what was broken, water what was healthy, and create a message of my own. One that was true. One that I could trust more than the fluctuation of others. One that would usher in growth. One that would direct me to wholeness. While I cannot control other people and some of the experiences that life delivers, I can control the messages I choose to repeat to myself.

Someone may have said that you couldn't be more than who you've always been. Maybe you heard that your life was as good as it would ever be. Perhaps you were told that you were worthless and had little to offer. Change the message.

Maybe you were neglected, abused, cheated on, or passed over. Those experiences may have led you to assume that you deserve neglect, abuse, infidelity, and to be overlooked. Change the message.

You cannot change what has already been said. You cannot change what has already occurred. You can, however, change how you interpret those words and experiences. Someone else's refusal to be encouraging and kind is not an indication of what you deserve. Your past is not the sole determinant of your future. You determine where you go, how far you reach, and how hard you work, but it starts with what you tell yourself. It begins in your mind. For a moment, forget what he said and what she told you. Forget what he did and what she didn't do. For a moment, consider how you feel about yourself, without the external influences. It may simply be time for you to change the message.

Read last week's post, Focus Your Energy.

Spanish 101

Arriving in Santander, Cantabria, Spain

Traveling has been incorporated in many of my decisions as it is one of the most influencial aspects of my development. Even still, until recently, I never made the commitment to learn a new language. I knew that understanding language would make my travel experiences richer, but I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the thought of learning to communicate in a new way instead of being inspired by it.

In both my personal and professional life I am a communicator. I pride myself on using words to express sentiment, provide others with an experience, and build connectivity. It has taken years to develop my vocabulary and voice in the only language I know. Learning a new language would require that I take the one thing I excel in most and release it. Learning a new language would force me to let go of a major part of my identity. Yet if I wanted to grow, I needed to release what was familiar and take on a new and richer identity.

This year I decided to do more than add stamps and pages to my passport. I decided to experience a culture through more than its cuisine and famous landmarks. The best way to ensure that I would grow was to travel in a new way. It was time to invest in studying language. I began taking Spanish classes in January and making the commitment to learn Spanish has not only started to add a language dimension to my life, but it also provided me with another opportunity to do what I love—travel—as I just finished a two-week language and culture class at the University of Cantabria in Santander, Spain.

Everything we are attached to and depend on provides comfort. When we force ourselves to grow, we force ourselves out of familiarity. Growth lessens attachments and dependencies. Growth demands reflection and innovation. Growth also requires taking risks of feeling foolish and failing. While in my Spanish classes and out enjoying Spain, I have had many moments where I had to release my attachments and dependencies. My strength—being able to communicate—was gone. Suddenly, I only had the vocabulary of a six-year-old. It has been humbling and frustrating. However, it has also been amazingly wonderful. I challenge you to force yourself to grow. Let go of your attachments and dependencies. Learn something new. My lessons took me to Spain. Where will your lessons take you?

Visit the photo album from my trip!

Big Enough

Amusement parks are filled with energy. Kids and kids-at-heart are excited as they play games, eat confections, and of course, ride roller coasters. Amusement parks also breed anxiety, disappointment, and tears. Many of the kids are at the awkward stage of not being tall enough for certain rides. Adults know that the child who is just inches too short will get to experience terrified bliss soon enough, but all that child cares about is that moment. Safety reasons or not, all that child wants is to be big enough right now! As we get older, we grow taller, but we have the same mentality. Even when it's for our own good, we never want to hear that we aren't big enough—mentally or emotionally—for anything.

As a teenager, I was well aware that I was expected to go to college, earn a living, get married, and have children. I also knew that there were levels to achieving each goal. Aspects of that plan would reveal themselves in their proper time. Much like at an amusement park, I needed to grow before I could experience certain facets of life. I needed to create a pattern of wise decisions so that I could learn to trust myself. I needed to discover the difference between those committed to walk with me and those who would simply walk. I needed to understand what kind of person I wanted to grow into and focus my energy working in that direction. Having awareness of expectations or desired outcomes is not the same as being ready for those expectations or outcomes. Awareness is not an indication of a timetable—it is intended to give guidance and focus. 

You may feel that you've been standing in line, waiting to be measured or prepared to prove that you are big enough for the ride. Perhaps you feel ready to start that business or handle the responsibilities of a promotion. Maybe you wonder why you're not someone's spouse by now or not living in that dream home or in the life you envisioned years ago. You might have developed frustration and impatience as you look at others enjoying the park and riding everything that you've been waiting to experience. Don't get lost in comparisons and watching others. Your life will unfold in a time that is most appropriate and best for you. Tomorrow's outcome will be a reflection of choices and decisions you've made today so create a pattern of wise decisions to help you learn to trust yourself, discover who walks with you, and understand who you are growing into so your actions reflect your direction. When the time comes for you to stand up and be measured, you'll be confident that you are indeed big enough for the ride designed specifically for you.

Tough Decisions

I attempt to base all of my decisions—even the seemingly mundane ones—on whether or not I'm being authentic to myself and my vision. Pursuing authenticity isn't easy, though. I get exhausted with it. There are moments when it seems too hard and complicated to be so intentional. There are even times when I wonder, "Just this once it will not be that big of a deal. It will not make that much of an impact if I falter today." Once I start bargaining and pleading, I have to remind myself that following ease and short-sighted comfort will only lead me to frustration and disappointment and neither of those are part of my plan.

We all change as a result of growth. Knowing we need to engage in a lifestyle change is not enough, though. For instance, when we decide to eat healthier or start an exercise regiment the change does not end with making that decision. After our minds are made up we must begin the perpetual process of changing our lives to support that decision. Eating that first healthier meal doesn't constitute eating healthy. Going to gym or on that run the first time doesn't make anyone a workout regular or a runner. It is the repeated action that indicates change. Tough decisions aren't tough because we only have to decide once. Tough decisions are so challenging and painstaking because they have to be made continually. Again and again, we have to choose between long-term benefits and short-lived satisfaction. It is the repeated act of choosing that makes the pursuit of authenticity, healthy eating habits, physical fitness, and emotional wellness so difficult and for some seemingly unattainable.

Emotional wellness is evasive for so many. Our emotional health is consistently tested and there are many reasons why we often fail those tests. How many times have we known that a relationship was no longer serving us well yet we did nothing? How long have we known that our lifestyle wasn't producing our best self, but ignored that knowledge? For me, the answers to those questions are "too many times" and "for far too long." What I knew differed greatly from how I behaved. One day I had enough. I was tired of making excuses for actions that did not serve me well or produce my best self. It was time to make a tough decision and stand by that decision daily.

What tough decision(s) are you facing? What have you known you needed to do, but avoided putting into action? I had to stop forcing myself to be in the company or in situations that made me feel less than who I am. Although I was certain that this decision would positively impact every area of my life, there have been occasions when I wanted go back on my promise. Even recently, I wanted to give in, but I have to remind myself that I made a decision to be authentic and my actions must continuously reflect my decision. It isn't always easy. It doesn't always produce immediate positive feelings. Some days you will think it's too hard. However, there is nothing more valuable and no cause more worthy than producing your best, healthiest self.

Discover Who You Are

Flic en Flac, Mauritius

I went through a phase of reading inspirational books with a spiritual slant. One of the terms that resonated with me most was transparency. Everyone described as transparent had openly and unapologetically shared her story, in all its glory and heartbreak. Reading these uplifting anecdotes and seeing the impact the authors made in the lives of others created a desire in me to do the same. I challenged myself to be transparent. However, I gave myself a charge I didn't fully understand. My focus was external and transparency is an internal journey.

On my misguided road to transparency I repeatedly told my story and could see the impact that a shared or similar background created. Sadly, it was rehearsed and I was on emotional autopilot. I told the story repeatedly with no emotional connection. I recited details, but lacked feeling. I told myself it was just getting easier to tell with the passage of time, but the truth was that I wasn't pursuing transparency, I was running from it. I convinced myself that reading the script of my life was synonymous with being open. Delivering the story was easier than engaging with my story. Stating the facts didn't demand attention. I detached so instead of being transparent—what I claimed I wanted—I was becoming emotionally impenetrable. It is impossible to make a real connection with anyone while failing to connect with self.

Eventually, I was no longer satisfied simply telling my story because I wanted to share my story. I grew tired of existing under the illusion of openness. I wanted to be open. I wanted to be transparent, honestly this time, so I had to start with me. I had to connect with my own story first.

An object is considered to be transparent when light can reflect or pass through it. Think of water, glass, air, and windows. You can see through them and when there's light, the light passes through. The same is true with us. When we make a commitment to self-discovery and are willing to connect to and engage with our truth then others can see us clearly and more importantly, we can clearly see ourselves and let our own light shine through.

Be Your Advocate

While waiting to get my hair cut, I overheard a kid complaining. His mother said, “It’s just a haircut. It doesn’t hurt.” He responded, “Yes, it does!” The barber turned off the clippers, looked at them and said, “I know why it hurts. I’m so sorry. Let me get another pair.” I smiled as I realized that his actions taught me a lesson—by continuing to speak up this little boy prevented a needless uncomfortable experience. This child did not allow his mother’s doubt to convince him that his assessment was incorrect. 

How many times has someone’s reaction to your feelings made you question if those feelings were valid? How many times has someone led you to wonder if you were being more sensitive than the situation called for? Do you ignore your feelings and hope that the pain resolves itself? Or do you continue to acknowledge your discomfort like this little boy had the wisdom to do?

You are not responsible for convincing others that your pain is valid. You are not obligated to prove the depth of your hurt. You are not required to persuade anyone that your experiences have left you with triggers. You are responsible for advocating for yourself. Being an advocate for yourself means standing up for what you know is your truth. Those who support you will support you. You do not have to prove or assure others of what you know to be true. You simply need to walk in your truth.

Become your advocate. Be intentional with your recovery and progress. When life hands you a challenge, you have every right to acknowledge what you feel as you select a logical course of action to push you forward.

Growth Spurt

Throughout various times in our lives we have growth spurts. We are most familiar with growth spurts of adolescence. We remember classmates returning from summer vacation six inches taller, with more bass in their voices, and a fuller shape than before. Yet that heightened stature, deepened tone, and fuller figure came with complications. Appetites and sleeping patterns changed and we experienced pain or discomfort which led to—or more realistically, added to—teenaged moodiness. Despite the changes and discomforts, if given a choice we would willingly go through the uncomfortable phases all over again in order to gain what the growth spurts produced.

Over the years I have developed effective ways to cope with both familiar, lifelong tests and brand new ones. I’ve recognized what I need to do to work through my emotions and move forward. However, over the last year I stopped getting the same results. Life would throw me a test, I would employ my tried and true strategies, and progress didn’t come. After the first few times I thought it was a fluke, but eventually I had to acknowledge that my faithful strategies had become ineffective.
I wasn't satisfied knowing that my coping strategies were no longer working. I have a constant, internal—and sometimes annoying—need to process so I needed to know why. I needed to know if it was something I’d done—or not done. I needed to know how I reached this place and what I could do to ensure that it never happened again. I needed to know if this was my fault.

The short answer is no, it wasn’t a matter of fault. My proven coping strategies stopped working because what once sustained me was no longer sufficient. I had grown. To grow is to increase, expand, and thrive. I couldn’t increase and repeat the same actions. I couldn’t expand and maintain the same thought process. I couldn’t thrive and strive for outdated results. I needed to stretch, think larger, and act with greater focus. Growth simply demands more.

If your coping strategies are no longer giving you the same results don’t assume that you are regressing. Either the impact of your life challenges have become more complex or what used to sustain you is no longer enough. In either case, it isn’t a fault of yours. You are in the midst of a mental growth spurt.

Growth spurts are uncomfortable. Mental growth spurts require more spiritual nourishment and connection. They will shake your patterns and shift your emotional state. Fortunately, that is a temporary part of a permanent change. Once you get through the painful and unnerving period, you will stand taller, stronger, wiser, and better equipped to deal with life’s challenges. Trust the process, trust those you have permitted to stand in your inner circle, and trust yourself as your transition through your growth spurt.

The Challenge

Most days I wake up jovial. I wake up thankful to see another day so I view everything else as extra. The sun rise is extra. The roof over my head is extra. The clothes to choose from, job to go to, good morning text messages—all extra. There are other days that require more effort. I am still grateful, but in the midst of my gratitude something else tugs on me. Years ago I ignored the tugging. I ignored it because I felt guilty for being anything less than grateful. Yet it didn’t stop tugging, or go hide in a corner, or quietly leave the room. It would sit there tapping its foot, folding and unfolding its arms, impatiently waiting me out. I would try to cover it with more declarations of gratitude and it would clear its throat, shift its weight and eventually, throw a chair across the room and knock me over.

For many years I struggled with the concept of conflicting emotions. I thought it was impossible for me to be grateful and feel sad or be strong, but have bouts with weakness. As you can imagine, this didn’t bring me genuine gratitude or true strength. I was more confused than grateful and more oblivious than strong. I was defenseless because I couldn’t fight what I failed to acknowledge. I had to learn that a scuffle with sadness or weakness did not negate my being optimistic and strong. An occasional struggle is not a reflection of character—how you handle your struggle is a reflection of character.

Here’s the awesome part. I felt the tug of sadness and discontent because I had grown. I was more conscious of the instability and could no longer ignore what had been in my space the entire time. Previously I was not perceptive enough to sense its presence. As I grew, my level of awareness increased. The more I matured, the more I could discern sadness until finally, it felt large enough to knock me over. My sadness wasn’t growing, though, I was.

You face new challenges as you grow because your emotional state becomes more sensitive to instability. Whether your primary challenge is sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, grief, guilt, shame, or fear, as you grow, it will become impossible for you to ignore it. Over time what was a quiet nagging will start to ring in your ears. What was once slightly annoying will become intolerable. That’s the bad news. The good news, though, is that your challenge isn’t growing, you are. You are the one that is getting stronger. You are the one that has more influence. You are the one that will have the last word. Appreciate the growth. Stand up to the challenge. It is time.

Live Your Truth

This week I found myself living out the consequences of decisions I made many years ago. Instead of being authentic, I was amicable. Too fearful to create waves, I simply sailed wherever the wind blew. I essentially handed the responsibility of my well-being to others by assessing their comfort as more important than my emotional health. I entertained toxic, traumatic relationships simply because we shared a bloodline. My previous attempts to break ties were discouraged and unsuccessful. I’m certain that my refusal to continue down this senseless path will be problematic also, but the alternative has become impossible.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve been increasingly attracted to peace. However, without realizing it, I had been settling for partial peace. Not only was that absurd, but this particular area of my life was the one that demanded peace the most intensely. I will never walk in genuine peace unless I am willing to do all that it takes to be at peace. Even if it upsets those I’ve appeased for many years. Even if that means being misunderstood. Even if that creates separation. The pursuit of peace—my well-being—is worth more than the discomfort associated with upsetting others, being misunderstood, and potential separation.

Not everyone will understand all of your decisions. You are uniquely motivated by your experiences and purpose. Nothing is worth living a half-hearted, fabricated life. Not the reactions of others. Not fear. Not uncertainty. Not hard work. Nothing and no thing. Make the steps necessary to live freely and fully. Living your truth is not always easy, but living outside of it is intolerable.

New Space

Last year I walked away from a regimented life of work and graduate school for a trip around the world. I left routine for wonder. I knew my semester-long journey would change me, but I had no idea it would send my previous life away for good. In addition to reaching the end of a wanderlust lover’s greatest dream, I also had the agonizing task of saying goodbye to my father. None of my life resembled what I left. I had traveled to fourteen countries in four months, but nothing felt as foreign as my return home. Everything was so different that I felt lost in the change. I wondered where I was and who I was in the new space.

Who we are is not where we live, where we work, nor is it solely wrapped up in the people in our lives. Who we are is the internal voice that is present at home, at work, and in the company of loved ones—and not-so-loved ones. We often get so focused on our day-to-day activities that who we are goes unheard. We can be so preoccupied performing roles and playing into expectations that who we are is silenced. Ironically, it is in unchartered territory that we are successful in discovering our most authentic self.

My life didn’t feel familiar, but the comfort of familiarity is the enemy of growth. Wading in the contentment of routine ushers in complacency and erodes motivation. This period of uncertainty and partial seclusion has been uncomfortable, challenging, and difficult, but it has also been freeing, insightful, and inspiring. I once longed for my routine, but I now love my deeper understanding and appreciation of independence. I hoped my relationships would remain the same, yet if they had, I wouldn't have been as grateful for the unexpected sources of support that have become my daily rays of sunshine. I initially wanted to recreate the life I left, but I have grown more driven to produce a life I wouldn’t dream of leaving. My life changes demanded me to change my life. I was never lost in the new space, I simply needed to grow in order to operate in it.

Developing Goals

As my time as an undergraduate student started winding down, I found myself asking what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. More than a decade has passed and I’m still asking myself the same question. Yet instead of being frustrated or fearful, I find myself excited. I am asking the same question more than ten years later because I have grown.

In my early twenties, I planned to start graduate business school. I had intentions of becoming a high-powered marketing researcher. I envisioned myself wearing suits and heels, carrying a briefcase, driving a convertible sports car, and making more money than I knew what to do with. While my visions for my life were ambitious, they were focused on external satisfaction and were quite frankly, selfish. Those plans didn’t fit who I was becoming. I had to change because what I wanted changed. It started to become less important that I appeared successful and more important that I inspired others. It was less important for me to succeed individually and more important for my life to impact the lives of others. As I grew up, my goals grew up.

You are designed for development and progress. That is why your goals alter and expand. Don't beat yourself up or feel that you lack direction because you are no longer fulfilled or driven by the same things. As you grow older, you evolve. Changing goals do not indicate failure, mistaken judgement, or defeat. When your goals change to align with who you are becoming, it is evidence of maturation.

What you desire for your life at twenty should not be the same desires for your life at thirty. What you envision at thirty should grow into more by the time you are forty. As you take on more personal roles (become a spouse, an aunt/uncle, a parent, etc.) and achieve professional successes, you will find yourself desiring more from life than you once sought. Don’t be afraid when your desires lead you down a different path and cause you to want more from life. Don’t misinterpret what those changes indicate. Welcome the growth and boldly take the steps needed to achieve your new goals.