Only You

Starting over, whether it's a new relationship, career, or physical location is exciting. It leaves us radiating in the light of possibility and the openness of a clean slate. We can recreate everything from our look, our social circle, to our hobbies and our volunteer interests. Even when leaving a good situation, the opportunity to start again gives us the motivation and courage to do and become better. Yet the benefits of starting again will never be experienced if we drag our old selves into our new life.

I long ago realized that I needed to set boundaries. However, because I was in my early twenties, this realization was not met with enthusiasm nor willpower. Breaking away from what and who was familiar was not an idea that I was comfortable with nor ready to embrace. Instead, I tried to build a new life without living differently. At first, I felt better. I had new surroundings. I had physical distance. I had all of the excitement associated with change. But eventually, the excitement wore off. The new surroundings became old. The physical distance shortened. I'd changed all aspects of my life except the most important one, me. It didn't matter how many times I moved, how many trips I took, and how many career advancements I made. Until I was ready to make the most influential change, an internal one, life would always leave me wanting and someone else, something else, and somewhere else would always have the power that belonged to me.

Your relationships, career, and locations have one thing in common—you. Leaving any or all of them can be thrilling, but when you move on, if you haven't made an internal shift you'll recreate the same scenarios. Character names, job titles, and the backdrop may transition, but you'll be frustrated and saddened by the very same aspects of life.

Changing partners will not change how you perceive your worth. Changing jobs will not change your work ethic or life balance. Changing your location will not change your core. Only you can do that. Only you, not a relationship, not a job, not a city, have the power and freedom to usher true change into your life. Don't give that power, nor your happiness, your peace, and your joy to anyone, anything, and any place.

Change Your Actions

One August afternoon, nearly twenty years ago, I was feeling happy and independent because my dad delivered a new-to-me car. I was leaving a church function when my car wouldn't start. My elation deflated. I went from feeling free to extremely dependent. My first thought was to keep trying and pray to the car gods to miraculously start it, but my dad's voice rang louder. I could hear him saying, "You'll flood it if you keep doing that!" Under normal circumstances turning the key in the ignition would start the car, but in this situation, turning the key would not give me my desired result. I needed to change my action in order to get the reaction I wanted.

We develop tactics to navigate through and cope with life. We may not be able to name or even identify our tactics, but we certainly have them. Some face challenges quickly and directly. Some use busyness and activities as distractions from reality. Others use laughter or a hard exterior as a means to convince people—including ourselves—that we are unaffected. Over time, our strategies require change. The strategies we've learned or chosen are no longer effective—and in some cases, never were—so we need to reevaluate. In order to get different reactions, we have to change our actions.

Have your days become filled with tiring repetition, leaving you disappointed and joyless? Change your actions. Have you lost the motivation to even hope for more or better or different? Change your actions. Have you convinced yourself that improvement is not possible? Change your actions. If what you've always done isn't working it is time to do something else. If what you've always said to yourself is no longer satisfying it is time to say something else. If the life you desire seems to grow more distant from where you are it is time to try something else. What do you have to lose besides what is no longer working for you? Stop turning a key in an ignition that isn't responding.

These Are the Times

Considering the end of the year approaching, I wanted to write something extra this week. I wanted to write something that was so positive that everyone who read it would leave feeling fully encouraged. I wanted to write a post that readers could tell their friends, "You have to see this!" I wanted to write a great message in preparation for the new year. However, if I'm being honest, 2014 knocked the wind out of me. Sure, there have been wonderfully fabulous times. I visited beautiful cities with the beautiful people with whom I share my life. I have grown stronger. I told my story publicly without turning into an emotional wreck. I have laughed loudly, eaten well, loved hard, and been extremely grateful. Still, this year has been a force. As I stare at this blinking cursor, I wonder where I will find enough encouragement and sunshine to share while I am yet trying to catch my breath.

In a dream world, when a new year starts, all that plagued you in the past ends. You hit a magic reset button with the flip of the calendar. This is life, though, and there is no reset button. Difficulty and uncertainty will try to cuddle up next to you and make themselves at home. Circumstances and challenges don't care about your resolutions or promises to get it right this time. Life is not interested in making you comfortable. Life is instead always leading you—leading you to become more than you imagine, with greater purpose than you believe, and with more love than you feel you deserve. For that reason, these times of uncertainty aren't intended to rock your foundation so hard that you give up. These are the times that rebuild that foundation and help you discover the truth. These are the times when you step out of the comfort of where and who you've always been and step closer to where and who you are destined to become. These are the times you evolve.

Even with all that you have to be grateful for, maybe you feel like this year, or even the last few years, have knocked the wind out of you. Maybe you discovered that someone who said s/he would always support you had conditions on that support. Maybe someone you love became ill or passed away. Maybe your sense of security or safety was shaken by a job loss or traumatic event. In either circumstance(s), these are the times when you rebuild your foundation. These are the times when you discover and affirm your truth. These are the times when you step out of what was and up toward who you were destined to become. These are the times when you catch your breath and take that first step.

Adjustments

Roatan, Honduras

A few years ago I was planning to visit Cuba, an amazing country, rich in culture that even some of the most seasoned travelers haven't experienced due to the United States embargo. For months I envisioned what I would do in Cuba. I was so excited to compare current times with my memories of being there twelve years prior. Would I remember any landmarks? Would all the cars still look retro? Would I think the cuisine was just as delectable? Would I feel the heavy influence of the government in seemingly casual conversations?

As I got closer, word spread that my group would not be allowed to visit. Our plans changed from Cuba to Guatemala and then Guatemala changed to Honduras. My companions and I could have focused on the disappointment we felt, but we shifted our attention to where we were heading instead of where we weren't.

I knew very little about Honduras. I hadn't researched it because Honduras wasn't on my itinerary—it was not part of my plan. As I accepted that I would soon be in Central America, disappointment disintegrated. While not on my initial list, I started to see Honduras as more than a consolation prize. I began to appreciate it for being its own country with a new culture I had yet to experience. I made an adjustment. I chose to enjoy Honduras rather than mourn Cuba.

When life takes your plans and crumbles them right before your eyes, do you simply mourn the plan or do you adjust? You may have envisioned a life very different from where you are at this moment. Maybe you thought you would have a spouse, children, a better job, more money, and/or a home by now. Maybe you planned to relocate or travel more often or to further destinations. It's possible that when you look at your life it doesn't even resemble what you anticipated. In either case, you can mourn the plan or you can amend the plan. You can cuddle up to disappointment and shift even further from your plan or you can shift yourself and make adjustments to the plan.

Whether life doesn't deliver what you anticipated or you haven't delivered on the promises you made to yourself, it is important for you to exercise flexibility. Focus your attention on where you're heading instead of where you aren't. Make the most out of detours by making adjustments. Detours can bring the most memorable and fulfilling adventures and teach the most valuable lessons.

Change from Pain

There was a time when I hoarded hurt. Depending on the day, I either convinced myself not to bother anyone with it or that I couldn't trust anyone with it. The truth was that I didn't feel strong enough to deal with it. I didn't feel strong enough to share, open up, trust, be vulnerable, nor approach the healing process. Eventually, the combination of the pain and self-inflicted isolation demanded more of me. I needed to stop hoarding hurt and start healing.

Hurt is a part of life that we all experience. The sources vary, but all hurt leads us to change. Some become hardened and refuse to feel or connect with others. Some become fragile and develop an inability to cope with day-to-day stress. Most of us land somewhere in the middle. We have a tough exterior and a soft center. We ignore how we feel until it becomes undeniable and we distract ourselves in the lives of others.

The hurt that you have experienced has changed you. It may have made you more cautious or intentional about the people you allow in your life. Maybe it has led you to be externally focused in giving to others or by feeding on the negativity of others. Maybe your hurt has led you to be brutally honest with everyone but self. Or maybe you avoid being truthful and free. It's possible that you aren't exactly sure how your hurt has changed you.

When you experienced neglect, disappointment, betrayal, a health challenge, loss, and/or trauma, it impacted your personality. It altered how you handled relationships. It shifted your outlook and perception. You may interpret that to mean a negative change or one that has made you somehow less of who you were prior. That does not have to be true.

Not every change resulting from pain has to be detrimental. Pain can lead you to be more considerate of others. Pain can encourage you to focus less time on superficial interactions so that you can engage in deeper, more meaningful relationships. Pain can lead you to living more honestly and freely. In order to move forward, pain demands more of you. Working through it will show you just how powerful, resilient, and strong you are. You may not always have control of the hurt that enters your life, but you can determine how that hurt will impact your life. The only thing more tragic than the pain that you have already endured would be to give your pain the power that was intended for you.

Lifestyle Changes

Lifestyle changes aren't limited to those making the changes. Friends of mine have changed their eating habits over the years requiring me to be more cognizant. When hosting, I serve food that honors their wishes. While it's their decision, I am impacted by it because I care for them. It's easy to understand why I wouldn't serve bacon cheeseburgers to my vegetarian friends, even those whose mouths watered upon reading the words "bacon cheeseburger" are empathetic. Unfortunately, though, people are not as understanding and supportive with decisions pertaining to the pursuit of emotional health.

I've recently grown more protective of my time and personal space. Of course I didn't always live so carefully so when I began to make changes there were questions. Those who'd known me for years didn't understand. In their minds things were fine as they existed. Why change now? What was the reason? Who was I punishing? And they weren't looking for an explanation as much as they wanted to convince me to stop changing. As I became more intentional and honest, I unknowingly forced them to ask some hard questions and face truths also. My changes—made so that I could take better care of myself—were impacting their lives.

Not everyone will support your decisions to improve your life and that lack of support doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. Some will want you to remain the same because it makes it easier for them to be complacent. Others will want you to stop seeking truth so that they don't have to acknowledge theirs. Some simply cannot understand your purpose and are therefore unable to understand the steps it takes for you to reach it. Your changes will impact the lives of those around you, but if you are certain of what you need to be whole and fulfilled don't negotiate, feel guilty, nor shrink away from it. Your responsibility to yourself and to those who love you is to pursue wholeness, fulfillment, and your purpose.

Risky Behavior

Engaging in risky behavior to avoid reality and numb pain is common. The usual suspects are violence, promiscuity, drugs, and alcohol. However, there are other risky behaviors that are easier to disguise, but just as detrimental.

As a teenager, I wasn't interested in violence, sex, drugs, or alcohol. I was interested in escaping so I focused my attention on an exit plan. On the surface, I was simply driven. However, my desire to flee was an indicator of my blatant refusal to deal with my reality and pain. I detested violence, but was unkind to myself. I didn't give in to sexual pressures, but I caved under the pressure of family expectation. I didn't take drugs, but my mind was clouded with a distorted sense of religious forgiveness. I didn't drink alcohol, but I devoured lies.

As I grew older, my risky behaviors grew also. I forced myself to be silent. I was promiscuous with my time and energy by maintaining unhealthy relationships in order to keep an illusion of peace. My drug of choice was negative self talk and thoughts of unworthiness. I binged on guilt and shame and punished myself for it. I did it all while still achieving and with a smile on my face, even as I was being consumed by untruths. Just like a functional addict.

Risky behavior includes the usual suspects, but many more of our actions—and at times, non-actions—lead us in the opposite direction of our purpose. At best, it's counterproductive. At its worst, it's unhealthy and dangerous. Do you silence your voice? Do you keep relationships that don't provide growth or support? Do you consume lies from others? Are you being honest with yourself? Take the time to discover your risky behaviors. It's only when you view your life through the lens of truth that you can evaluate, reconcile, and correct.

Life Storms

The majority of the country has been put it in its place due to Mother Nature flexing her muscle. Snowfall and dangerously frigid temperatures sent cities to their knees as schools, businesses, and interstates shut down for two days. 2014 is a force and it's only week one.

Intentions are at an all-time high every January. Resolution fever takes over so everyone is eating better, working out, reading more, living in the moment, etc. Resolutions aren't a bad idea. Whatever inspires positive change is beneficial. The problem is that resolutions are hard to sustain if they aren't motivated by more than the flip of the calendar. The reason for the change has to be larger than habitual thought and behavior. Even when motivation is high, circumstances impact the success of a lifestyle change. As 2014 has already proven, circumstances can change drastically and quickly. How will you handle your plans when life doesn't seem to cooperate?

When you decide to make progress, life will not necessarily roll out the red carpet. You may have to push, pull, drag, and kick your way to improvement. This isn't because life is conspiring against you or because you made a wrong choice. At times, we are living out consequences of our past. At times, there are more lessons. At times, life simply happens. Whatever the case, taking your life from good to great is a lifestyle and will require a lifestyle change. It will require commitment, again and again. What is not beneficial is wasting energy convincing yourself that life is being cruel. No matter what is thrown your way, focus your attention on what is in your control. Focus on your decisions, your actions, and the messages you repeat to yourself. When storms come—and they will—adjust, make preparations, stand your ground, and remain committed to your success.

Read last week's post, Stay the Course.

Stay the Course

As we reflect on this year's choices and outcomes, many of us will make plans for 2014. December 31 seems to naturally encourage us to pursue change. Everywhere we look and listen people are writing and discussing resolutions. However, every year isn't one of correction or redirection. The passage of time or a life season can indicate a need for resolve more than a need for change. There are phases of our lives when we are required to firmly continue with the plan(s) we have set.

My year has been filled with repeated tests of healthy boundaries. Occasions presented themselves and I had a choice to make—I could relent and weaken my resolve or I could stand by my decision and grow. The greatest lesson I learned this year was to stand by my choices, even when others didn't understand, even when others didn't approve, and even when others resorted to using guilt as a tactic. Negative reactions and conflict are not cause to jump ship or justification for an alternate plan. The reactions I received externally, both positive and negative, forced me to seek clarity internally. What I discovered was that my life track was indeed the best one for me. The road to greatness will have moments of doubt, disappointment, and solitude, but I learned that I would always have what and who I needed as long as I remained on the right course.

Life is filled with changes. At times change is not necessarily an actionable one, but a mindset. As this year comes to a close, think about your life path. You may need to redirect your focus and make better choices. However, if you have made positive changes, stand by them. If you have connected with people who appreciate who you are and support where you are going, stand by them. If your life is already on the path to professional fulfillment and personal triumph then I implore and encourage you to remain strong and committed to stay the course.

Read the last post, Space to Walk.

Evolution of Dreams

While having a conversation about what I wanted to be when I was a kid, I remembered lining up my stuffed animals (and sometimes my less than amused brother) to impart my seven-year-old wisdom. My childhood fascination with teaching was solely based on the perceptions and limited knowledge of a second grader. I’m pretty sure I wanted to be a teacher just so I could write on a chalkboard and tell people what to do.

Our desires are influenced by experience. As we mature and interpret life through a more collective lens, our direction changes. We react and adjust based on history and cognition. When I learned that becoming a teacher required more than writing on a chalkboard and having a captive audience, I no longer wanted to become a teacher. When I was exposed to more career choices and compared them with my natural abilities and interests, I changed my mind. When I was exposed to international travel and developed a love of creative writing, my desires became more complex. All of this—learning, exposure, comparisons, development, and understanding self—combined to create a new dream.

As we grow our dreams grow. However, doubt and discouragement tag along because we assume a change in direction constitutes a mistake or an err in judgment. Change does not equate to an error. We are not designed to be forever satisfied by the same things. When we grow so does our vision and our ability to accept that we have the right to dream.

In addition to thinking that change comes as a result of a mistake we need to correct, we also have to contend with a lack of deservedness. Somehow we have relinquished our ability to accept that we deserve happiness and fullness. The mere thought of taking our lives from good to great—or even from repetitious and bland to exciting and colorful—turns us into self-defeating, overly critical, negative persuaders. We think we're not young enough, not smart enough, not worthy enough, and ultimately, not deserving enough to exist in a world better than our today. Please know that is absolutely not true. You are enough. You are smart enough. You are worth it. You do deserve it. You deserve to grow, achieve more, and step into greater.

It may be late, but it’s not too late. It may be difficult, but it’s not impossible. It may require a financial or time commitment, but the way you currently live already requires a commitment. Why not commit to exceptional instead of settling for acceptable? Change is good, but it must begin with you changing your mind. You’ve grown, matured, and experienced life; let your dreams do the same.

Spiritual Freedom

Hassan II Mosque, Casablanca, Morocco

As Semester At Sea celebrates Founder’s Day this week, I remain grateful for my first experience with the program in February of 1999. Thirteen years later, I’ve seen the world, but it’s my world that has changed. There are countless ways that I’ve grown, but one in particular has been achieving a more authentic and free spiritual life.

Growing up I spent many, many, many hours in church and had a love-hate relationship with our family’s level of commitment. I thoroughly enjoyed the sense of community and I needed to believe in something greater than what my life had to offer at the time. On the other hand, in addition to questioning the relevancy and purpose of the many hours I attended, I started to question how we were applying the teachings of love. We loved people through certain challenges, ignored others, and condemned the rest. The more I traveled, the more I rejected that framework, along with a few other inconsistencies.

It is impossible to travel internationally and not feel your foundation shake. Being in Morocco during calls to prayer, listening to Archbishop Desmond Tutu deliver a compelling address in South Africa, and seeing the emotional impact of a belief system in India taught me more about spirituality than all of my years in buildings on Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings. Standing on the back deck of a ship and seeing nothing but the sun reflecting off of a seemingly endless ocean swaddled me in peace. Having a conversation with someone I’d been taught would spend an afterlife in an undesired place illustrated another possible ending to the story. If I could treasure a religious practice different than my own, be inspired by teachings that drastically differed from what I'd heard year after year, feel tangible peace on the back of a ship, and sense inner contentment radiating from those practicing beliefs I was taught to fear then I had to question everything and that was unnerving. How could I interrogate my foundation? Did I have the courage to walk this through? What if everything I knew was untrue?

What I learned is that tradition is not synonymous with spirituality. True spirituality comes from within. Following protocol and engaging in busyness by way of services and revivals to avoid life is not healthy nor a reputable sign of growth. True spirituality comes from an authentic desire to connect. I saw and felt a genuine desire for spiritual contentment in the lives of many people, in many countries, in different ways. None were inferior nor forged. How did my spiritual life change? I learned the invaluable lesson that my spiritual connection was not dependent on a physical location or someone’s else standard’s. It was only after I freed myself from performing traditional behaviors and expectations that I could engage in seeking truth and peace and be a living example of love.

A New Narrative

I get a kick out of hearing my grandmother talk about me as a toddler. She chuckles as she says that I didn’t need to be entertained and then shares examples of my independence. Her trip down memory lane usually ends with her telling me, “You’ve always been that way.” 

My grandmother’s reflection is harmless, but the narratives people recite can usher in stagnation. Repeatedly hearing what we’ve always done or who we’ve always been may lead us to believe that we are unable to create a new narrative for ourselves, even when we desire change. Maybe you were told you have always been a quitter. Perhaps people constantly remind you that you made bad relationship or financial decisions. Even if some truth exists in the reminders of others, even if you are certain that your behavior supports those statements, you still have the power to create a new narrative.

One of the greatest benefits of tomorrow is the ability to create change. You are not required to meet expectations based on the past. Maybe you quit more than you should. Maybe your past is filled with questionable relationship or financial choices. No matter what your past reveals, you have the power to create a different future. You do not have to live out the familiar, old, and repetitive narrative that others—including you—insist on replaying. Give yourself the room you need to grow. Create change by believing you are capable of change. Create change by creating a new narrative of yourself, for yourself.

Internal Change

The last two years have left me searching for more than what my day-to-day life presented. I wasn’t unhappy, but I felt that there had to be more. The nomad within was screaming for me to pack up and relocate. However, before I could commit to making a major life change I had to discover what my soul was searching for and consider whether or not moving could provide it.

What we need isn’t always obvious. We have to do a little digging and probing. We have to ask ourselves what it is that we are truly after. For example, if I wanted to leave Indiana because I was tired of winter, it would not make sense for me to move to Illinois. It sounds ridiculous, but many of us have made similar decisions. Have you ever made a lifestyle change, but after time passes you find yourself faced with the same type of people or the same circumstance? You end a destructive relationship only to step right into another destructive relationship with someone new. You relocate to get away from negative influences, but find yourself surrounded by people who are just like the ones you left. You have changed your external world, but you haven’t changed.

Changing the scenery will be ineffective if the scenery isn’t the real issue. At certain points in my life relocating was an easier option than doing the work, being honest, and finding out what was causing the discomfort or desire to flee. When we change the external, the internal doesn’t automatically change with it. Internal changes require more. Internal changes are harder. Internal changes force us to face truth. Internal changes are uncomfortable and scary.

After spending some time listening inwardly, I understood why I was frustrated. The level of excitement about my future started to fade. Instead of discovering what I could do to get excited about my life again I entertained an easier route. I thought, 'Surely I can get excited again if I live in a new city.' However, the change I craved was an internal change. The frustration I felt was not related to where I lived but how I lived. Now that I am aware of what I need, I am focused and better equipped to pursue it. 

When you are faced with a repeating source of frustration try not to rely on your usual list of things-to-do. If you have recurring discontentment consider some serious self-reflection. Get to the root of the frustration. It may be difficult and uncomfortable, but increasing your quality of life is absolutely worth it.

Change Requires Action

It is difficult and scary to initiate change. Change requires stepping into the unknown and that can be intimidating. The alternative, though, is worse. Imagine waking up, day after day, in the same rut. Imagine never progressing. Never improving. Never growing. Never expanding. Imagine your life today being as good as it will ever get. Does that sound appealing? For most, that is an emphatic no.

While I am grateful for my life as it is at this moment, I want to be better, wiser, more giving, more loving, and make more of an impact. That all sounds great, but I cannot and will not achieve any level of improvement—no matter how great my intentions are—by merely thinking about it. If I really want to improve, at some point, my thoughts must develop into action.

If you find that you’ve been stuck, that’s the bad news. The good news is that you do not have to remain stuck. You can change your life as soon as today! Consider the areas of your life that you would like to improve. Write them down. Think about the steps needed to make progress, keeping in mind that any step you take toward your goal is progress. If you want to go back to school, start researching programs. If you want a new job, update your resume and begin your job search. If you want to save more money, slightly increase the dollar amount that is automatically transferred into your savings account(s). The key is to put action, no matter how seemingly small, behind your desires. Whether you realize it or not, when you do not act, you are making a decision. You are deciding that change is too hard and that you are not worth the effort. Please know that while change is difficult, it is not impossible, and more importantly, please trust that you are absolutely worth every effort it takes to make your life better.