Permission to Heal

Perception influences how we face life's challenges. We understand the care and patience needed to cope with circumstances like loss, an injury, or an equal opportunity illness. These situations, and ones like them, are not attached to judgment so we give ourselves proper time and permission to heal. However, not all circumstances elicit the same reaction.

In 2011, my father died suddenly. I have given—and will continue to give—myself the space to acknowledge what I feel, talk about him, and do what is necessary to cope with his absence. I don't pretend or hide my hurt to make anyone, including myself, more comfortable because I don't see the need. There is no judgment attached to my grief. I haven't been so kind to myself in all situations, though, and as a result, I have complicated and extended my healing process.

I was sexually abused for seven years. The emotion tied to simply making that straightforward admission is exactly what made the road to recovery difficult and complex. Unlike grieving the loss of my father, shame and self-blame was connected to the abuse so I did everything I could to avoid facing its impact on my life. Instead of focusing energy and attention on pursuing peace and making emotionally healthy decisions, I tried to protect myself by ignoring its influence and I tried to protect others from my pain by hiding it. I muted my hurt and took on the unreasonable responsibility of making others comfortable with what I had to endure.

Maybe you have an issue that you've attached to shame, guilt, self-blame, or disappointment. Whether you are coping with the effects of child abuse, sexual assault, abandonment, neglect, domestic violence, infidelity, an eating disorder, an addiction, or a mental health issue, acknowledge your truth and work through the process of recovery. Release the judgment(s) attached to your circumstance. Detach from anyone or anything that hinders your healing. Let go of the notion that it's been long enough already. Free yourself from making others comfortable with what you had to endure. When you separate judgment from your circumstance, you can walk in your truth and give yourself permission to heal.

Risky Behavior

Engaging in risky behavior to avoid reality and numb pain is common. The usual suspects are violence, promiscuity, drugs, and alcohol. However, there are other risky behaviors that are easier to disguise, but just as detrimental.

As a teenager, I wasn't interested in violence, sex, drugs, or alcohol. I was interested in escaping so I focused my attention on an exit plan. On the surface, I was simply driven. However, my desire to flee was an indicator of my blatant refusal to deal with my reality and pain. I detested violence, but was unkind to myself. I didn't give in to sexual pressures, but I caved under the pressure of family expectation. I didn't take drugs, but my mind was clouded with a distorted sense of religious forgiveness. I didn't drink alcohol, but I devoured lies.

As I grew older, my risky behaviors grew also. I forced myself to be silent. I was promiscuous with my time and energy by maintaining unhealthy relationships in order to keep an illusion of peace. My drug of choice was negative self talk and thoughts of unworthiness. I binged on guilt and shame and punished myself for it. I did it all while still achieving and with a smile on my face, even as I was being consumed by untruths. Just like a functional addict.

Risky behavior includes the usual suspects, but many more of our actions—and at times, non-actions—lead us in the opposite direction of our purpose. At best, it's counterproductive. At its worst, it's unhealthy and dangerous. Do you silence your voice? Do you keep relationships that don't provide growth or support? Do you consume lies from others? Are you being honest with yourself? Take the time to discover your risky behaviors. It's only when you view your life through the lens of truth that you can evaluate, reconcile, and correct.