Big Enough

Amusement parks are filled with energy. Kids and kids-at-heart are excited as they play games, eat confections, and of course, ride roller coasters. Amusement parks also breed anxiety, disappointment, and tears. Many of the kids are at the awkward stage of not being tall enough for certain rides. Adults know that the child who is just inches too short will get to experience terrified bliss soon enough, but all that child cares about is that moment. Safety reasons or not, all that child wants is to be big enough right now! As we get older, we grow taller, but we have the same mentality. Even when it's for our own good, we never want to hear that we aren't big enough—mentally or emotionally—for anything.

As a teenager, I was well aware that I was expected to go to college, earn a living, get married, and have children. I also knew that there were levels to achieving each goal. Aspects of that plan would reveal themselves in their proper time. Much like at an amusement park, I needed to grow before I could experience certain facets of life. I needed to create a pattern of wise decisions so that I could learn to trust myself. I needed to discover the difference between those committed to walk with me and those who would simply walk. I needed to understand what kind of person I wanted to grow into and focus my energy working in that direction. Having awareness of expectations or desired outcomes is not the same as being ready for those expectations or outcomes. Awareness is not an indication of a timetable—it is intended to give guidance and focus. 

You may feel that you've been standing in line, waiting to be measured or prepared to prove that you are big enough for the ride. Perhaps you feel ready to start that business or handle the responsibilities of a promotion. Maybe you wonder why you're not someone's spouse by now or not living in that dream home or in the life you envisioned years ago. You might have developed frustration and impatience as you look at others enjoying the park and riding everything that you've been waiting to experience. Don't get lost in comparisons and watching others. Your life will unfold in a time that is most appropriate and best for you. Tomorrow's outcome will be a reflection of choices and decisions you've made today so create a pattern of wise decisions to help you learn to trust yourself, discover who walks with you, and understand who you are growing into so your actions reflect your direction. When the time comes for you to stand up and be measured, you'll be confident that you are indeed big enough for the ride designed specifically for you.

Internal Directives

Working for a study abroad program affords me with many opportunities to get to know people from various backgrounds with a wide range of aspirations and perspectives. In the last two weeks I have had conversations with more people than I can count. Yet one theme seems to surface repeatedly during the majority of those conversations and that is timing and purpose.

You may be doing a job that you are grateful to have, but lacks inspiration. You may think your daily life is mundane or that what you do from day-to-day is insignificant. You may have much greater aspirations than what your life currently displays. You still must consider that there are times when you will be placed in a holding pattern for preparation and to ensure that when your life flourishes it is at the right time.

In the last two years there were several moments when I craved a life change. I felt restless and the desire for me to flee was growing by the day. Yet even stronger than my desire for change I felt that I was being directed to wait. I knew that something was developing and if I acted out of impatience I could negatively alter the course of my life. Was it easy to simply wait? No! Were there days when I wondered if that internal directive to wait was incorrect? Absolutely. How did I know that waiting was the answer? I knew because when I took the time to listen inwardly what I heard did not mimic or shadow my fickle and flighty emotions. No matter how I felt I heard the same directive–wait.

If you are growing increasingly frustrated take some time to listen–really listen. You’ll know that you’ve tapped into more than your sometimes untrustworthy emotions if what you’re being directed to do isn’t completely wrapped up in how you feel. On the days I wanted to interject a change that I knew wasn’t in my best interest I was taunted by impatience. Yet as frustrated as I was, it does not compare to the gratitude I feel being where I am at this time, for this purpose. Find out what life is directing for you and then have the courage and determination to follow through.

Holding Pattern

I took my first graduate school course in July 2009. When I started, I was very enthusiastic about my future. I was writing creatively and looking forward to obtaining a master’s degree. As school began to take precedence in my life, the things I loved—traveling, spending time with family and friends, and writing creatively—took a back seat. As a result, my life became unfamiliar to me. As I went through the process of obtaining my degree, I felt as if I was in a holding pattern and suddenly, that fire I had about my future started to fade. It went from a blazing, excited, rambunctious inferno, to a neatly contained simmer. I began to wonder what happened to me. I am now one class and a thesis approval away from completing my degree and that slow simmer has been turned up significantly.

What happened to me along the way is my big picture goal got lost in the shuffle of all of those papers I had to write and all the books I had to read. If you find yourself pursuing a necessary and desired long-term goal, there will be times when all you can see are small and seemingly insignificant pieces of the puzzle. Keep pushing. There will be days when you wonder if you are making any progress. Persevere. There might even be moments when you question whether that long-term goal—like graduate school—is taking you on a detour from your larger purpose.  Fight through that uncertainty. 

As I look back over the last two years I realize a few things. One, two years is not that long. I’m nearly finished with my program and now I wonder where the time went. Two, what I learned about reading has helped me not only become a more critical reader, but a much more aware writer as well. Three, what I discovered about myself during those two years will be vital to my professional and personal future. I might not have felt that fire burning as significantly while I was going through the process, but now that I’m coming out on the other side, it is so back on! Push, pull, force yourself through that holding pattern. Do whatever you have to do to rekindle that fire you have for your life. It’s a great feeling and it is so worth it.