Thank You

I haven't written a new post in a few weeks and it doesn't feel as unusual or induce the guilt that missing just a single week used to produce. In fact, it feels satisfying and freeing because I have been in a transition. For the last few months, as I would sit down to organize my thoughts, I realized that my voice changed and what I had to say no longer fit within the confines of my 3-4 paragraph format. I began to long for something more than Try-Umph provided.

I appreciate everyone who has been on this journey with me. Try-Umph has seen me through a voyage around the world, the loss of my father, a relocation to Michigan, a deeper appreciation for the growth needed in order to set and stand by healthy boundaries, a relocation to California, and intense gratitude at having the support of others as I experienced those changes. Yet part of me sought more. There were times I wanted to delve deeper, push further, and be more firm. I kept my language and tone soft and supportive when writing posts like News and More Strength when I wanted to spew out a string of words that would make a sailor blush because that's what I felt having to even to write such and get over so much.

Yet I fluctuated between not feeling ready and knowing that this was not the proper venue. I needed to wait for more and prepare for something else. I listened. I waited. I held off. I shared what would be helpful and encouraging, but reserved the rest because I knew more was on the horizon.

Whether you've been reading since 2011 or you've been sporadically checking out Try-Umph, thank you. I couldn't have reached as many people without you. It has been challenging, exciting, rewarding, strengthening, reassuring, and fun to force myself to write something worth sharing over the years and ultimately, to recognize that my life was worth sharing. Keep reading and passing on the posts that resonate with you. Encouragement is timeless and we all need it over and over and over again. 

Continue taking responsibility for your choices and making good ones. Continue believing in your worth and value. Continue intentionally living a life of purpose, love, peace, and triumph. I promise to do the same.

Sincerely,

Myla Denise

Space

We have been convinced that spaciousness is supreme. We dream of owning a huge house with as many bathrooms as bedrooms, a three-car garage, on land large enough to house a compound. In addition to our mega complex for more spacious things, personal space is also valued at such a premium that airlines and rail lines charge more money for it. Space is a hot commodity that has changed what we want and the way we live, travel, and interact with one another.

When I moved to Michigan in 2012, I moved into a large apartment, by myself. While it was often convenient and comfortable, I didn't need all of that space and having it did not always serve me well. It was great when I had overnight guests. It was not great when I felt alone. It seemed to amplify the loneliness and bounce it off of every wall for me to hear over and over again. That space also enabled me to keep things I should have released, purchase things I didn't need, and shut the door on all of those things so I didn't have to look at them or deal with them.

In addition to the drawbacks associated with physical space, there's another element of space that I subscribed to that was more detrimental—emotional space. Keeping emotional space, distance, did not always serve me well either. I developed emotional distance for the same reason that most do—because the actions of a few destroyed my ability to trust. When I did discover my support system, which was solid, genuine, and fully committed to my well-being, I was too embarrassed, ashamed, and flat out terrified to truly let people in to what I deemed my overwhelming, complicated emotional vault.

Being distant from others produced outcomes that contradicted what I wanted. Space gave my mind room to wander to horrible places, replaying scenes of my history of trauma. Space allowed me to get lost in the negative messages I repeated to myself. Space made me feel alone and undeserving of the support, acceptance, and love I needed. All of the emotional work I'd done to create a sense of safety and peace was evaporating in that space. Space was not what I needed. I needed connection. I needed people right there, up close and personal, not just telling me I had their support, but demonstrating it, repeatedly. I didn't need more space, I needed less. Much less.

When we have space, we have extra room for miscellaneous things—all the stuff that has no specific place and at times, no value. We put it in a spare room and shut the door so that we can maintain attachments that need to be severed without having to see the impact of those unhealthy attachments. We give ourselves so much space that it prevents others from getting close enough to witness our emotional clutter, making it impossible for them to help us clear it out.

Does space provide you with convenience and comfort or has it become an enabler? Have you given those you trust, those who have proven their commitment to your well-being, access to fully support you? Are you being honest with them? Are you being honest with yourself?

Assess the space in your life. Make necessary adjustments. All of the support you need will be there. Don't be afraid to let people in. Don't be afraid to get close. We were designed to be connected and have relationships. It is when those connections and bonds are broken that we feel disrupted, abandoned, and unloved. Space is not always the answer. At times, space is the problem.

Sense of Self

I am a reformed trust tester. I would purposely share something relatively harmless—something that if my friends/test takers told someone else or didn't respond in a way that I deemed desirable wouldn't be soul crushing. While there is wisdom in being selective, I was testing people who had been in my life for more than a decade! I was testing people who had already proven that they were committed to the relationship. What I couldn't see was that my need to test revealed more about my inability to trust my own judgment and what I thought of myself than those I was testing.

Eventually, I transitioned and was no longer dropping pieces of my heart and seeing how those pieces were handled. I graduated to opening up and expectantly waiting for signs of abandonment. Any slight variation—and I didn't care how slight—in my interactions with others sent me heart first into an insecurity tailspin. My writer's imagination would go into hyperdrive. Scenarios filled my brain, all ending with me being deserted, explaining why our interactions changed. I expected others to walk away because that is what I felt I deserved. I expected them to be overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain because I was overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain. I expected others to treat me with the same impatience and harsh judgment that I reserved for myself. My relationships, no matter how strong or well-intentioned, could not grow until I dealt with the way that I related to myself.

It is vital to take a candid evaluation of your most important relationship. Elements of how you think of yourself are sprinkled throughout your life and your relationships with others are no exception. The health of all of your relationships is dependent on and intertwined with the health of your relationship with yourself. Essentially, your external relationships are a reflection and an extension of your internal health. When you have a healthy sense of self your relationships with others become stronger, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love because you are strong, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love.

Investments

All of us have investments and we invest with the hope of receiving a benefit. We purchase homes, cars, clothing, jewelry, stocks, and bonds expecting that they will provide us with use or increased value over time. In addition to financial investments, we personally invest our time and energy into others. Unfortunately, most of those investments aren't purely intentional and many of us fail to realize that who we have been devoted to has brought more detriment than benefit.

Our relationships are one of our greatest investments. Who we choose to spend our most precious assets with—time, energy, trust, care, and love—contributes to our mental and emotional well-being. While we don't consider relationships to be transactional (i.e., I do for you, you do for me), those who occupy an intimate space in our lives should add value, not diminish nor deplete it.

Are those you are closest to and allow into your space benefitting you with support, consistency, safety, reassurance, respect, and love? Or do you constantly question their intentions, have to defend your choices, fight disappointment, and need to rebuild your sense of worth after you engage with them? Does your circle of support feel strong, reliable, and genuine or does it have weak spots, holes, and conditions? As you consider your answers also reflect on what your contributions have been to your investments. How and to whom have you devoted your time and energy? Are your choices based on authentic and mutual commitment and care or have you been persuaded by guilt and obligation?

Your mental stability matters. Your emotional state matters. Your feelings matter. Anything concerning you matters and is greatly influenced by the relationships you choose. Devote your time to those who share your mission for your life, support your heart, and positively contribute to your well-being. Financial investments are intended to build wealth. Your personal investments should build you.

Bigger

In addition to some minor lifestyle adjustments, living with vitiligo has required a mental shift. For a brief time, I was using this visible skin condition to explain away some things and make excuses not to do others. If I was overlooked for anything from a job to a romantic interest it had to be the vitiligo. My inclination to be outgoing and friendly would be choked by fear of rejection due to the inconsistencies of my skin tone. The confidence it takes to interview for a job would be snuffed out by the mere thought of a potentially awkward look and even more awkward handshake as people try to determine whether or not what they see is contagious. Vitiligo became the thing that I tried to not only hide, but also hide behind. Fortunately for me, life had bigger plans.

Since being diagnosed in 2006, life has taken me on an incredible journey that included relocating from the West Coast to the Midwest, traveling around the world by sea, relocating again, and more traveling, both personally and professionally. Between the moves, interviews, vacations, and conferences, I was constantly meeting and interacting with people. I was so busy living, adjusting, and readjusting to life that I didn't worry or question what others thought. I needed to think bigger about my life and that meant experiencing life as bigger than what I could see.

I am in no way suggesting that if given the choice to have vitiligo that I would have willingly signed up for it, but living with it has demanded that I become a stronger version of myself. Life has required me to step out from behind the fear and stop hiding. I have developed true confidence which does not originate from external characteristics. Confidence, like strength, courage, peace, and self-love, comes from within and it took having a big, visible skin condition to show me how much bigger my life really was.

Life will require you to step up and be bigger. Life can take what you didn't plan for and show you that you contain more strength than you thought. While you may not have selected portions of your path for yourself, it all has the potential to stretch you. Life could present an illness, a loss, the opportunity to become a parent/guardian, a relocation, the responsibility of taking care of an aging parent, or relationship changes. Once you have given yourself time to feel, accept and adjust, trust that your new life will bring with it new strength, new perspective, and new purpose. Your life cannot expand and grow until you are willing to expand and grow. Once that happens, you will understand that your purpose is bigger and contains more than you can see.

The Golden Rule

You've heard the adage 'treat others the way you want to be treated' countless times. It's the Golden Rule and typically, it is great advice. It is both a normal expectation and an admirable quality to base your consideration of others on how you want to be considered. What happens, though, when how you want to be treated is not equal to how you deserve to be treated?

Relationships are one of the most important aspects of life. In your connections you find support, understanding, healing, love, and essentially, a reflection of yourself. Those who love you make the choice to be a part of your life and include you in theirs. It's a commitment. Even when the love is there, though, if you take that love or the people giving it for granted and ignore their needs and become distant, doubt begins speaking louder than trust. Your loved ones will question if they are in the relationship, or feeling a level of openness and safety all by themselves.

How you feel about yourself impacts how you treat those you love. If you don't think you're deserving of honesty, support, and care then your behavior will reflect that and you will sabotage your relationships and what you need. Rather than lean into your support, because you don't trust it and don't believe you deserve it, you pull back. Without realizing it, you treat your loved ones in the way you think you should be treated and in this instance, it's less than what all of you deserve.

In order to fully understand the sentiment behind treating others the way you would like to be treated you have to also understand how you should be treated. You may know that you don't deserve to be abused, lied to, cheated on, betrayed, or ignored because those are extremes. Those are easy to identify and reject. There are more subtle behaviors that you also don't deserve. You don't deserve to open up to someone and have him/her retreat. You don't deserve to consistently prove yourself trustworthy because of the actions of another. You don't deserve to have to face difficulty alone. You don't deserve to want an embrace and not feel vulnerable enough to ask for or accept one. You don't deserve to feel like you are in a relationship of any kind by yourself and neither does anyone you love.

Emotions can be scary. Depending on others to be there when you need them can be terrifying. Yet imagine how it feels for your significant other, parents, children, siblings, or close friends to have to deal with the normal fears of trusting and letting go combined with your refusal to trust them and let go. When you fully understand, appreciate, value, and love you then, and only then, can you truly understand, appreciate, value and love others.

Loving After

Social media sites are filled with memes and quotes promoting that we only trust ourselves. The logic behind it is that if we don't trust others then we can't be hurt by others. While it's understandable to interpret hurt as a side effect of trust, it is not a wise lifestyle choice. Trusting only self can reduce the likelihood of being hurt by others, but it is a guarantee of a life that is greatly reduced.

We have all been hurt by someone we love yet we are still charged with loving after. Loving after hurt is difficult. Trusting after disappointment is a challenge. We fear those emotions and make it our business to ensure we don't feel them again. Walls come up. Boundaries are set. We do whatever we can to prevent replicating the same scenario. We convince ourselves that we were hurt because we trusted, because we opened up, and because we loved. We conclude that we can prevent future hurt by not trusting, not opening up, and not loving.

One major problem with disconnecting from others is related to how much we trust ourselves. When we are hurt by someone we trust we start the blame game and ultimately, point a finger back at ourselves. This determination not to trust others does not address the negative feelings we develop toward ourselves after having trusted and being betrayed. We tell ourselves lies and since we have sentenced ourselves to isolation, we don't have anyone to build us out of this self-defeatist, detrimental thought pattern. We repeat negative self talk, and the one person we depend on, the one we trust solely, self, cannot be trusted.

We were designed for connection. We rely on relationships for growth, support, and love. Without human connection we remain stagnant, feed ourselves untruths, and become distanced from our purpose. Loved ones bring our lives joy and pick us up when we falter. Loved ones push us when we would rather lie down and sulk. Loved ones remind us of ourselves, especially all of the wonderful qualities that we dismiss or fail to acknowledge. Loved ones help us sift through harmful self talk and rebuild what has been broken. The key is for us is to select the loved ones committed to making the journey of loving after hurt and disappointment one of support, encouragement, and yes, trust.

Unlearn

One of the most gratifying moments in the life of a parent—or proud aunt—is hearing a child read for the first time. Learning to read will remain with that child for life and open a world previously inaccessible. There are other lessons we learn that impact the way we view the world and ourselves. Like reading, these lessons can shape the way we experience life. While they can be as influential as learning to read, not all lessons are positive or true. For that reason, some of the most important lessons are the ones we unlearn.

I spent a significant part of my adolescence in church. There were morning services, afternoon services, Bible studies, rehearsals, special events, and social gatherings. I credit my church upbringing with giving me a sense of community, teaching me to trust and have faith, and introducing me to values. However, according to those same teachings, what I heard every Sunday was the only truth, judgment was justified when it was collective, and pursuing an afterlife was more important than living this one. As I traveled the world and heard the teachings of global spiritual leaders, my mind shifted. I realized that I wanted a life more than a lifestyle. It led me on a journey that expanded my idea of community and taught me that my values weren’t attached to words on a page. I recognized that the teachings I heard did not hold the only truths in this world. I rejected the notion that I could judge others, or stand by and condone judgment by my presence. I grew the moment I unlearned what was detrimental to me becoming authentic, free, and whole.

You may have been taught that diversity should be feared or regarded as less. Unlearn it. You may have learned that asking questions is a sign of distrust or disrespect. Unlearn it. Maybe you were told that you weren’t enough. Unlearn it. Perhaps you were taught that no one with your last name, skin tone, or from your neighborhood could do what you dream. Unlearn it. It’s possible that experiences taught you that you weren’t powerful, had no worth, or that you deserved every negative encounter that entered your life. Unlearn it. You are indeed powerful. You do have worth. You deserve peace, joy, and love. Whatever you’ve been taught that has been weighing you down, holding you back, and stifling your life, set it free.

Work Through Your Fears

Fight fear instead of running from it.

Every October there is an abundance of movies, activities, and products designed to elicit fear. For nearly a month we are treated with countless opportunities to be scared. We can sit in a theater and test our nerves for 120 minutes. We can nervously walk through haunted houses, laughing at our friends for screaming like children and hoping they don't hear us when we do the same. Fear is a multibillion dollar industry.

Outside of entertainment, fear is most often a deterrent. When we're afraid we run. We create as much distance as possible between ourselves and whatever is causing us to be scared. However, there are times when what we fear most is exactly what we need to embrace.

I spent a significant amount of energy investing in an unrestrained lifestyle. I took pride in having the ability to travel—and at times relocate—whenever I wanted. My understanding of living liberated was limited. Freedom is complex, though. It is not simply the ability to have choices. It is not merely the absence of commitment. While I was able to hop on planes and rack up passport stamps, I was also avoiding, hoarding, and hiding.

What I needed most was what I feared most. I needed to stop avoiding setting healthy boundaries. I needed to stop hoarding my hurt. I needed to stop hiding behind my smiles. Before I could be free I had to experience safety, something I lost long ago. Feeling safe required me to expose all that I had been avoiding, hoarding, and hiding. My freedom was directly tied to my greatest fear. I needed to trust so that I could learn to feel safe because without feeling safe I couldn't be free.

What do you desire most for your life? Happiness? Love? Peace? Freedom? Your greatest desire is connected to your greatest fear. It will stretch your mental strength, test your emotional intelligence, and challenge everything you know. When you work through your fear—and it is work—you will discover a better, stronger, and fuller you. You will find yourself as you were created and intended to be, living the life you desire most.

Read last week's post, Change the Message.

Tell Yourself

Friday morning I got in a cab and headed to the airport. Once I arrived, my cab driver didn't have enough cash to give me change nor could he process a credit card payment. I ran into the airport only to discover that the ATM was out of money. I would have to find another ATM in order to pay my fare, but that meant I could be charged extra for the mileage and time. Still, I walked out thinking, "It doesn't matter. You're going to Spain today."

After finding an ATM and paying the taxi driver, I checked in for my flight. It was delayed, and continued to be delayed, for two hours. I am pretty good at passing time, but the airport I flew out of had less activity than I have in my apartment. Plus, I was facing an eight-hour flight so I didn't want to waste my reading and writing on the ground. Instead of grunting I told myself, "It doesn't matter. You're going to Spain today."

While it is great that I didn't get frazzled by the elongated cab ride, flight delays, or nearly missing my flight from Madrid to Santander--another blog for another time--what if I wasn't going to Spain that day? What if on a typical Friday I was met with challenges and delays out of my control? Did I need something as big and unusual as a 4,000 mile trip to help me keep life in perspective?

Life often presents us with detours and speed bumps. Even when we have done all we can to prepare and anticipate challenges, circumstances out of our control jerk us into back-up plans and at times, we need to create a back-up for our back-up. What mantra do you tell yourself to get you through the uncertain times? How do you encourage yourself through challenges and maintain proper perspective?

On Friday I was able to get through 24-hours of traveling hiccups and changes by telling myself I was going to Spain, but on a normal day, when I am simply planning to go to work, buy groceries, cook dinner, and pay bills, it is even more important for me to have a mantra to get through issues in the office, the sad phone call, unexpected expenses, health concerns, or rejection. In order to keep challenges in perspective I need to keep what is more important in my life at the forefront of my mind. While I spent more time in a cab and more money on the outbound trip than I expected, I still had the ability to travel. Although my flight didn't leave at the time it was scheduled, I was still going to have an amazing experience in country I'd never visited. Even though my day did not go exactly as planned, the end result was the same--I was going to embark upon a life-changing journey. How wasteful and sad would it have been if I allowed my journey to be hindered before it fully began?

Your journey is filled with a range of experiences. There will be excited times when you greatly anticipate what life has in store. There will be times when you are thankfully reaping the benefits of good decisions and hard work. There will also be times when you gracefully live out greatness when your choices could have warranted less. Just as often there will be moments when you are unsure, thrown off course, confused, and upset. Difficulty and relentless struggle can seem to follow you more closely than your shadow. You may feel stagnant and like you cannot make progress no matter what you do. During these challenging periods it is more important than ever that you remember not to lose focus or faith. You cannot spend more energy on 200 difficult miles of your journey when there's 4,000 miles in total. Do not get caught up in the preliminary pieces and uncertain moments when greatness lies just beyond your fears. Tell yourself, it doesn't matter. You are intended for more joy, fulfillment and love today, and it all begins with the messages you tell yourself and believe.

Love You Through

I’m not a mother, but there are quite a few children in my life. There are moments when a simple gesture or phrase melts my heart and times when they have emotional meltdowns that send me hiding in my own quiet corner. In both cases—and every situation in between—my love doesn’t waiver. What I feel for them is not dependent on their best or worst. I love them through it.

All of us have struggles and some require years of emotional work and determination to overcome. Few of us feel confident to be genuine with others because we don’t trust that they will love us through the emotional work. We hide behind what we think they want to see or hear. We hide behind smiles and ideas. We live isolated and contrived lives. My challenge to you is to discover those who will love you through and then let them!

The first part of that challenge is not easy. For years I struggled to learn who was going to love me through hardship and who was simply waiting until I crossed the finish line to love me in celebration. I made some mistakes. I trusted words over actions. I gave more weight to what I wanted instead of what I needed. Although I made errors on whom to depend on, I compounded my own difficulty by then loving fearfully instead of freely. I instituted a blanket method of relationship. No matter what individuals had proven, everyone was treated the same. Everyone heard the same response. Everyone received the same smile. I threw everyone at the finish line and pushed myself into running the race alone.

Loving freely requires trust. Trust means being vulnerable, placing your confidence in someone else, and giving up control. Yes, all of that is extremely difficult, but it is no less emotionally taxing than forced loneliness. Maybe you’ve had this vision of who would be standing by your side, loving you through and the ones who have proven themselves aren’t the ones you pictured. Maybe you’ve been so busy chasing who isn’t there that you can’t see who has been standing beside you. Don’t allow the absence of someone cause you to miss the presence of anyone.

I think about the little people in my life. They can have a catastrophic, emotional outburst or get the disciplinary action of their young lives in front of me. Even still, just moments later, no shame nor guilt nor doubt prevents them from jumping in my face, asking me to take them for ice cream, or begging me to play some game. They have the confidence to know that I’ll love them through their outbursts and lapses in judgment. I challenge you to exercise the same level of wisdom by trusting those who have been purposed and have chosen to love you through your doubts, fears, heartaches, and difficulties.

Authentic Self

My close friends have to deal with frequent expressions of love and gratitude. I'm guilty of sending cards, emails, and text messages repeatedly saying how much I appreciate and value their presence in my life. I do this because it’s important. I am committed to their well-being so in addition to providing companionship, I take the role of encourager and uplifter seriously. I don’t want anyone in my inner circle to ever doubt their significance or importance.

Over the years I've questioned if my unsolicited, love-induced messages were misunderstood or simply too much. On the surface, expressions of love should be easily absorbed, yet most have been hurt by someone they trusted, making it difficult to comprehend and accept genuine, no-strings-attached emotional affection. I wondered if my freedom shined a light on their confinement in expressing or accepting love. Considering a larger landscape I thought about scaling back. The last thing I wanted for my loved ones was to cause uncomfortable feelings. Or so I thought.

As I contemplated changing my behavior, I dug a little deeper. Love-based relationships will have periods of nudging, working, and healing and building. Genuine relationship requires nudging people out of their comfort zones in order to be better. Patience leads us to walk with others as they work through conflict and pain. Devotion encourages collaborative emotional healing and building. As long as love remains at the core, these periods of strengthening will create healthier individuals and as a result, healthier relationships.

Instead of changing my behavior I needed to decide what was worth more. Did I want to eliminate or reduce one of my favorite qualities in order to chase perceived comfort and ease? Or was it more important for me to remain my most authentic self and provide positive consistency to those who needed reassurance in goodness?

My choice was clear. I could do the greatest good by fully being my most authentic self—my open, vulnerable, silly, intentional, patient, giving, intelligent, curious, sometimes shy, sometimes overly sensitive, loves-hard self. When I commit to being authentic—even when it's uncomfortable, even when I'm uncertain of how it will be perceived—I give others the freedom and permission to fully be authentic, too.

Just as I have a role in the lives of those I love, your loved ones depend on you in order to maintain and grow. They need your support, comfort, consistency, and love in the way that only you can provide it. They need your stories, your laughter, your honesty, and your embrace. Without you, their lives would not be the same. Without you, their paths would be drastically altered. Don't discount your influence. Don't minimize your impact. Don't diminish your importance. In order for your loved ones to reach their best, they need you. They need you to be your most authentic self, in your wonderful, quirky, humorous, loving, and complex entirety.

Let Love Lead

Someone I love sent a message that generated a response in me that was a bit smart-mouthed. Honestly, there was nothing ‘a bit’ smart-mouthed about it. The retort was intended to counter the sting that I felt. Before I replied, I took a moment to consider the purpose of sending such a response to someone I loved. Someone whose presence in my life was important to me. Someone with whom I’d shared many laughs and heart-felt discussions. Someone I learned to trust. Although a part of me was amused at the thought of that remark, I had to ask myself a serious question: Where was the love in that response?

It only takes a second for our lives to change. It only takes a single turn for us to walk down a path unintended. It only takes one hurtful comment to start to unravel what took years to build. How we speak to others is an indication of how we value relationships and ultimately, how we value ourselves.

I could have justified sending that comment. I could have used my hurt as an excuse to be careless—even for a second. However, I wanted to my response to come from a loving place, not a cruel place. Instead of sending a hasty, thoughtless message, I considered my friend’s feelings and circumstances. I considered my friend. I realized that she had no intention of offending me. She was simply being honest. More importantly, when I considered my own circumstances, I realized that I was being sensitive. Had I responded prematurely, my intent would have been hurtful and the sentiment I conveyed would have been dishonest. Reflecting rather than reacting taught me a vital lesson: It is imperative to let love lead instead of fleeting, fickle feelings.