Movement

Movement is a common, constant part of life. Babies move from crawling to walking—although some try running before walking. Children move from elementary to middle to high school. Adults hopefully move from blaming others for their actions to taking responsibility for them. How we move depends on our state of mind. When we're panicked our movements are rushed and frantic. We miss red flags, ignore reason, and attach ourselves to those who encourage our compulsions. When we're intentional our movements are controlled. We are more aware of our direction, we plan instead of react, and we attach ourselves to those who encourage progression. How we move is most often related to one emotion—fear.

I know about moving. As an adult I have moved seven times to five states. Why I moved was directly related to whether I was escaping or advancing. How I moved, the way I did it, was just as important.

Since moving to Santa Barbara, the question I'm asked most often is some variation of what brought me here. When I answer, it is clear that every aspect of this move was intentional. I wasn't in a situation that demanded change. I wasn't escaping. I wasn't fearful. The absence of desperation, panic, and fear allowed me to open my mind and patiently seek out an opportunity that was tailor-made for me, at the perfect time.

No matter what phase of life you're in, movement will remain a part of it and how you move is a reflection of your emotional state. When fear leads, your mind is clouded and confined. When fear leads, your decisions are reactionary. When fear leads, you live to avoid your worst imaginations. When fear leads, you don't. It's time to stop giving fear all of the power. Relax your mind from confinement. Make choices that lead you in an intentional, progressive direction. Attach yourself to those who encourage your growth instead of your deviations. If you want to move through life with certainty and purpose, you can't do it while holding hands with worry and fear.

Honest View

It doesn't matter how many times I fly, if I am seated next to a window I take at least one picture of the clouds. I consider my view of the world and want to capture it as a reminder of my vision at that moment. On my most recent flight I took a photo and quickly decided it wasn't good enough simply because the wing of the plane snuck into view. As I prepared to take another photo of the same scene, slightly to the right, I asked myself why I needed to recreate the same moment with an unobstructed view. Even with the wing, it was a beautiful sight, yet I judged my picture, something used for reflection, through the critical eye of perfection. How come I couldn't just accept my view honestly and completely?

Digital photography and photo editing makes it hard to detect if what we see is indeed what we get. The adage "pictures don't lie" is no longer true. Pictures lie and then lie some more. We can even edit the photos we take on our phones, from our phones. The problem with this constant need to only broadcast perfection is that it leaves us with the impression that there is no room nor desire for anything else, none of the characteristics that make us unique and none of the things that highlight a certain phase in our lives or given moment in time. Our refusal to see life as it is prevents us from understanding and appreciating where we are, where we've been, and where we are capable of going. Without an authentic look at the present, at best, we will only haphazardly stumble into the future.

Perfection is not what compels your loved ones to love you. Those only interested in a falsified perspective are not worthy of your concern nor your time. Those who do love you, love you because they see you, completely. They love who you are and not some edited image that you portray. Perfection is not the driving force of self-love, either. Self-love is pure and genuine. Self-love is consistent. Self-love is unconditional. However, before you can love yourself you have to see yourself, authentically and without apology. Then, you can let others see you, authentically and without apology. Your life is a beautiful compilation of moments, emotions, and circumstances that deserves to be fully appreciated and recognized in all of its complexity, even when something you didn't anticipate sneaks into the picture.

Lens of Truth

I am a reformed liar and there was a time when I wouldn't have even been honest about that. I portrayed more than I lived because pretending seemed less complicated, less painful, and less frightening. When flashes of reality snuck past the surface I ran back to the perceived safety of the closet containing all of my secrets and slammed the door. I told myself that the lying I did was acceptable—yet another lie—because I wasn't hurting anyone. Yet that was the most detrimental untruth because I was hurting myself.

There is something extremely terrifying about honesty. It's the reason so many clichés, expressions, songs, poems, books, shows, and films are centered around the truth—hiding it or finding out about it. Most of us have convinced ourselves or have been persuaded by others that certain areas of our lives are better concealed or easier to deal with if we don't actually deal. The problem is that we can never grow into our fullest selves without first being aware of who we are. We can never reach where we're going if we aren't first honest about where we've been. We can never heal if we don't acknowledge that we hurt.

The closet containing my secrets, where I perceived safety because it didn't require me to expose my hurt, was harmful. It felt comfortable, but it was stifling and suffocating. It was only through the lens of truth that I could acknowledge the negative impact of hiding my pain and open the door. It was only through the lens of truth that I could see the dark cloud of dishonesty choking the life out of me. It was only through the lens of truth that I could bear to be brave enough to fully live. It was only through the lens of truth that I could tell my story and trust that I would survive telling it as I continue to survive living with it.

Sense of Self

I am a reformed trust tester. I would purposely share something relatively harmless—something that if my friends/test takers told someone else or didn't respond in a way that I deemed desirable wouldn't be soul crushing. While there is wisdom in being selective, I was testing people who had been in my life for more than a decade! I was testing people who had already proven that they were committed to the relationship. What I couldn't see was that my need to test revealed more about my inability to trust my own judgment and what I thought of myself than those I was testing.

Eventually, I transitioned and was no longer dropping pieces of my heart and seeing how those pieces were handled. I graduated to opening up and expectantly waiting for signs of abandonment. Any slight variation—and I didn't care how slight—in my interactions with others sent me heart first into an insecurity tailspin. My writer's imagination would go into hyperdrive. Scenarios filled my brain, all ending with me being deserted, explaining why our interactions changed. I expected others to walk away because that is what I felt I deserved. I expected them to be overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain because I was overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain. I expected others to treat me with the same impatience and harsh judgment that I reserved for myself. My relationships, no matter how strong or well-intentioned, could not grow until I dealt with the way that I related to myself.

It is vital to take a candid evaluation of your most important relationship. Elements of how you think of yourself are sprinkled throughout your life and your relationships with others are no exception. The health of all of your relationships is dependent on and intertwined with the health of your relationship with yourself. Essentially, your external relationships are a reflection and an extension of your internal health. When you have a healthy sense of self your relationships with others become stronger, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love because you are strong, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love.

Accountability Partners

Someone I trust asked me a series of questions that left me tense and emotional. Her questions demanded more of me than most. She did not allow me to get away with what others do. My trust in her gave her the freedom to ask more of me and my commitment to personal development led me to fully engage in the conversation rather than retreat. 

One of the greatest benefits of relationships is obtaining accountability partners. In addition to being sources of encouragement, accountability partners guide us through phases of introspection, personal development, and emotional growth. Sadly, we have been told by others, taught by past hurts, or a combination of the two that we should not or cannot be vulnerable enough for an accountability partner. When asked about our dreams we allow insecurity to answer for us. When asked about our hopes we provide shallow explanations. When given the chance to be vulnerable we shut down. When insecurity answers for us, we cannot be truthful. When we only provide shallow explanations, we don't explore the deepest, most authentic parts of ourselves. When we shut down, we don't experience the beauty of trust. We prevent ourselves from the most meaningful aspects of relationships and from discovering the most powerful parts of ourselves.

The conversation I mentioned was uncomfortable. I didn't like how I felt nor did I like feeling that way in front of someone else. Yet I needed to experience it. My undeniable discomfort provided me with an awareness that I would not have discovered on my own. It took someone else—someone that I trust and someone with the strength to hold me accountable—to illustrate an area of my life that requires more of me, more conversation, more attention, and more work. 

Accountability partners are essential to your personal development and emotional growth. If you have been told or taught that you can't be vulnerable, learn a new lesson. If your insecurities speak louder than you do, strengthen your voice. If you have been too afraid to move beyond shallow conversation, push yourself to discover the deep end. If you have always shut down, it's time to open up. Don't miss out on one of the greatest benefits of human connection because of habit, temporary discomfort, and fear.

Power of a Selfie

Technology has altered how we connect, even down to our language. Just a few years ago the word selfie would have conjured up confusion, but now it's a fairly common term. There are countless pictures on social media sites of self-portrait photos and they have an added entertainment value because many of them unintentionally capture something humorous in the background. When the subject of a picture is also the one performing the action of taking the picture, the focus is not on the background. In a selfie, the full setting appears in the end product—the image—even if that isn't the intent. When we focus our attention on ourselves, the impact extends far beyond what we intend and what we can see.

Over the last few years I made a commitment to live honestly. I knew that this commitment would be challenging. When I decided to take a serious look in the mirror my focus was self-improvement so every aspect of my life came into view. It wasn't enough for me to live honestly when it was comfortable and convenient to live honestly. I had to look at the whole setting—the totality of my life. Once I made the appropriate and necessary changes to the areas requiring my immediate attention, my focus extended and I was faced with increasingly difficult choices and many of them involved my relationships.

When I committed to authenticity, my truth impacted those around me. I knew some relationships would be strengthened and others would falter. Instead of placing my attention on the relationships that would not grow as I did, I made a conscious decision to reinforce relationships with those who would support me throughout. After I shifted my focus I felt strong enough to stand with those who would unconditionally stand with me. My decision to live my truth meant recognizing the truth about those around me.

When we improve, we require those around us to make a choice—accept and encourage our growth or long for what was. The mirror we place in front of ourselves also reflects those closest to us. As we pay close attention to what is shown in our reflection, we also see the people around us with improved clarity. Some will live in the truth with us and others will step out of the frame.

Read last week's post, Extend Grace.

Tough Decisions

I attempt to base all of my decisions—even the seemingly mundane ones—on whether or not I'm being authentic to myself and my vision. Pursuing authenticity isn't easy, though. I get exhausted with it. There are moments when it seems too hard and complicated to be so intentional. There are even times when I wonder, "Just this once it will not be that big of a deal. It will not make that much of an impact if I falter today." Once I start bargaining and pleading, I have to remind myself that following ease and short-sighted comfort will only lead me to frustration and disappointment and neither of those are part of my plan.

We all change as a result of growth. Knowing we need to engage in a lifestyle change is not enough, though. For instance, when we decide to eat healthier or start an exercise regiment the change does not end with making that decision. After our minds are made up we must begin the perpetual process of changing our lives to support that decision. Eating that first healthier meal doesn't constitute eating healthy. Going to gym or on that run the first time doesn't make anyone a workout regular or a runner. It is the repeated action that indicates change. Tough decisions aren't tough because we only have to decide once. Tough decisions are so challenging and painstaking because they have to be made continually. Again and again, we have to choose between long-term benefits and short-lived satisfaction. It is the repeated act of choosing that makes the pursuit of authenticity, healthy eating habits, physical fitness, and emotional wellness so difficult and for some seemingly unattainable.

Emotional wellness is evasive for so many. Our emotional health is consistently tested and there are many reasons why we often fail those tests. How many times have we known that a relationship was no longer serving us well yet we did nothing? How long have we known that our lifestyle wasn't producing our best self, but ignored that knowledge? For me, the answers to those questions are "too many times" and "for far too long." What I knew differed greatly from how I behaved. One day I had enough. I was tired of making excuses for actions that did not serve me well or produce my best self. It was time to make a tough decision and stand by that decision daily.

What tough decision(s) are you facing? What have you known you needed to do, but avoided putting into action? I had to stop forcing myself to be in the company or in situations that made me feel less than who I am. Although I was certain that this decision would positively impact every area of my life, there have been occasions when I wanted go back on my promise. Even recently, I wanted to give in, but I have to remind myself that I made a decision to be authentic and my actions must continuously reflect my decision. It isn't always easy. It doesn't always produce immediate positive feelings. Some days you will think it's too hard. However, there is nothing more valuable and no cause more worthy than producing your best, healthiest self.

Authentic Self

My close friends have to deal with frequent expressions of love and gratitude. I'm guilty of sending cards, emails, and text messages repeatedly saying how much I appreciate and value their presence in my life. I do this because it’s important. I am committed to their well-being so in addition to providing companionship, I take the role of encourager and uplifter seriously. I don’t want anyone in my inner circle to ever doubt their significance or importance.

Over the years I've questioned if my unsolicited, love-induced messages were misunderstood or simply too much. On the surface, expressions of love should be easily absorbed, yet most have been hurt by someone they trusted, making it difficult to comprehend and accept genuine, no-strings-attached emotional affection. I wondered if my freedom shined a light on their confinement in expressing or accepting love. Considering a larger landscape I thought about scaling back. The last thing I wanted for my loved ones was to cause uncomfortable feelings. Or so I thought.

As I contemplated changing my behavior, I dug a little deeper. Love-based relationships will have periods of nudging, working, and healing and building. Genuine relationship requires nudging people out of their comfort zones in order to be better. Patience leads us to walk with others as they work through conflict and pain. Devotion encourages collaborative emotional healing and building. As long as love remains at the core, these periods of strengthening will create healthier individuals and as a result, healthier relationships.

Instead of changing my behavior I needed to decide what was worth more. Did I want to eliminate or reduce one of my favorite qualities in order to chase perceived comfort and ease? Or was it more important for me to remain my most authentic self and provide positive consistency to those who needed reassurance in goodness?

My choice was clear. I could do the greatest good by fully being my most authentic self—my open, vulnerable, silly, intentional, patient, giving, intelligent, curious, sometimes shy, sometimes overly sensitive, loves-hard self. When I commit to being authentic—even when it's uncomfortable, even when I'm uncertain of how it will be perceived—I give others the freedom and permission to fully be authentic, too.

Just as I have a role in the lives of those I love, your loved ones depend on you in order to maintain and grow. They need your support, comfort, consistency, and love in the way that only you can provide it. They need your stories, your laughter, your honesty, and your embrace. Without you, their lives would not be the same. Without you, their paths would be drastically altered. Don't discount your influence. Don't minimize your impact. Don't diminish your importance. In order for your loved ones to reach their best, they need you. They need you to be your most authentic self, in your wonderful, quirky, humorous, loving, and complex entirety.

Live Honestly

During my twenties people were overwhelmingly supportive of my nomadic nature. My independence and desire to see the world was often praised. As the years passed, what I needed in my twenties expanded, but reflected the same basic needs—peace and freedom. When I entered a new decade the perspective of my lifestyle changed in the eyes of others. To some, my independence started to look selfish and my desire to see the world resembled instability.

You have internal ambitions. What drives you isn’t any less significant or less meaningful than what drives others. You don’t exist to give your life meaning—your life already has meaning. Your life already matters. That’s why what you accomplish impacts the people in your life. Your triumphs instill inspiration in others because your life matters, not the other way around.

Those who have judged my life through their lenses of fulfillment taught me an incredible lesson. I am responsible for living honestly. I am responsible for pursuing what drives me most. What's important for me to achieve may be drastically different from what's important to you. There is no judgment in the difference.

What motivates you may not line up with the expectations of your friends and family. Don't deny yourself fulfillment. Your dreams matter because you matter. Have the courage to be honest. Be brave enough to pursue success on your terms. Living authentically will prove to provide all of the support you need.

Get Real

Before we can experience true success we have to be honest with ourselves. That may seem like a no-brainer, but many of us waste energy and time chasing a job or an idea instead of chasing our dream. Chasing our dream is hard enough already with fear and doubt trying to clog our minds. We should not complicate matters by being untruthful with ourselves.

Just two years ago I was excited to start graduate school. I’d spoken to someone from admissions, researched the requirements, and started the application process. This may not surprise those of you who know that I graduated recently, but what you may find surprising is that I was preparing to start a master’s program in business, not in English. My undergraduate degree was in business so it seemed logical to pursue an advanced degree in business. The problem with this rationale is that I was making a decision based on a choice I’d made at eighteen-years-old. I failed to consider all that had happened in my life since I received my first degree. I didn’t think about how much I had changed since then. I was ignoring the sense of purpose I’d found in creative writing. I allowed the pursuit of a job to lead my actions instead of allowing the pursuit of self-fulfillment to direct my path.

I would like to encourage you to be your own advocate. Be honest with yourself when it comes to making major life decisions. Ask yourself a few key questions and don’t be afraid to be truthful. Is the direction you’re headed pointing you closer to your ultimate goal? Are you pursuing your purpose? Are you doing all you can to ensure your success or are you simply hoping for the best? Is your behavior indicative of your desire? 

I called a close friend and told her that I was preparing to start my MBA. Instead of being excited for me she asked, “Myla, in ten years, will you still be satisfied knowing that you have an MBA?” Without hesitation I said, “No.” She then asked, “Then why are you getting an MBA?” I was getting an MBA because I thought it was what I should do in order to get a job. She and I had been friends entirely too long for me to give her that weak answer, but that weak answer satisfied me because I wasn’t being honest with myself. I got so caught up in the activity of applying to graduate school that I didn’t bother asking if I was making the right choice. I am relieved and so happy that all of my MBA talk halted that day. Ask the questions. Get real in your answers. You’ll be so glad you did.