Honor Yourself

My tolerance is typically high. Even when I think someone is being intentionally insensitive, I try not to hoard or internalize that insensitivity. Most of the time I am successful, but I received a message recently that pushed me off center. Instead of ushering in calm, I willingly and joyfully entertained clever responses with the purpose of making that person aware that his/her attempt to insert more significance in my life than s/he had was futile. I had to consider, though, if that was true, why was I exerting energy trying to prove it? Most importantly, would my fiesty and venomous retort honor me?

Most people treat us according to their perception of what we can do for them or whether they feel threatened by our behavior. Our perceptions and life choices can reveal similarities or differences in others that they admire or despise. In many cases, we impact others in ways that we are unaware of and would be surprised to discover. What happens, though, when we are treated with less than kindness? How do we remain committed to our peace of mind when others threaten it for reasons we are not fully aware?

I read that message repeatedly. I sent it to a few friends to compare their reactions so that I could determine if I interpreted it appropriately. They confirmed my suspicion—the message was not well-intentioned. Yet I still had a decision to make. Would I let his/her intentions, even if they were purely evil and I don't believe they were that far down the spectrum, change me by changing the way I normally deal with insensitivity? Would I let this one message push me from my center?

There may be occasions when you are the recipient of insensitivity and intentional rudeness. Someone may treat you in a way that is unjustified. Someone may displace negative feelings on you because you are a safe target. Someone may intentionally try to hurt you for no other reason than s/he is unhappy. It is not up to you to figure it out, diagnose it, or get even. What you are responsible for is honoring yourself. Honor yourself when others don't. Honor yourself when others don't try. Honor yourself when others don't understand. Honor yourself even when others don't care enough to honor themselves.

Accountability Partners

Someone I trust asked me a series of questions that left me tense and emotional. Her questions demanded more of me than most. She did not allow me to get away with what others do. My trust in her gave her the freedom to ask more of me and my commitment to personal development led me to fully engage in the conversation rather than retreat. 

One of the greatest benefits of relationships is obtaining accountability partners. In addition to being sources of encouragement, accountability partners guide us through phases of introspection, personal development, and emotional growth. Sadly, we have been told by others, taught by past hurts, or a combination of the two that we should not or cannot be vulnerable enough for an accountability partner. When asked about our dreams we allow insecurity to answer for us. When asked about our hopes we provide shallow explanations. When given the chance to be vulnerable we shut down. When insecurity answers for us, we cannot be truthful. When we only provide shallow explanations, we don't explore the deepest, most authentic parts of ourselves. When we shut down, we don't experience the beauty of trust. We prevent ourselves from the most meaningful aspects of relationships and from discovering the most powerful parts of ourselves.

The conversation I mentioned was uncomfortable. I didn't like how I felt nor did I like feeling that way in front of someone else. Yet I needed to experience it. My undeniable discomfort provided me with an awareness that I would not have discovered on my own. It took someone else—someone that I trust and someone with the strength to hold me accountable—to illustrate an area of my life that requires more of me, more conversation, more attention, and more work. 

Accountability partners are essential to your personal development and emotional growth. If you have been told or taught that you can't be vulnerable, learn a new lesson. If your insecurities speak louder than you do, strengthen your voice. If you have been too afraid to move beyond shallow conversation, push yourself to discover the deep end. If you have always shut down, it's time to open up. Don't miss out on one of the greatest benefits of human connection because of habit, temporary discomfort, and fear.

What You Deserve

All of us have experienced hurt at the hands of someone else. Hurt could have resulted from a harsh comment, a betrayal, a refusal to be an advocate, or even an assault. Often times, we can rationalize that we were hurt because someone else made the decision to be hurtful. Yet even when we are aware that the hurt we experienced was unwarranted or undeserved, instead of rejecting the negativity, we ingest it. What we know is in direct conflict with what we feel.

For years I hoarded the hurt that others inflicted. I told myself repeatedly that what I experienced wasn't my fault, but I still managed to believe that something within me led others to treat me with less than kindness. The only rationale that made sense was that I brought something out in others and that the problem was internal, not external. Digesting the negativity of others further complicated my healing process. I had to learn to work through my pain without being consumed by it.

In last week's post on personal loyalty, you learned that you are not required to live out affinities inherited from any aspect of your past. Just as you can actively choose to pursue new loyalties, you are not required to carry the negativity that others have presented to you. If you had an overly critical or under engaged parent, that isn't a reflection of you. If you have had an unfaithful partner or partners, that isn't an indication of your worth. If your neighbor, employer, child, spouse, or even a stranger is unkind to you that doesn't mean you deserve cruelty. When you are mistreated or simply not fully appreciated, it is not your responsibility to take ownership of the blame for the abuse or neglect.

Taking responsibility for being abused or neglected is accepting that you are the reason it happens or that you deserve it. Over time, you seek out and are attracted to those who confirm your belief and the establishment of a pattern perpetuates what you feel about yourself. Instead of evaluating why you are drawn to certain personality types, you believe that you are being treated in hurtful ways because you deserve to be hurt. You do not deserve to be hurt! You are not required to live your life accepting hurt. You are not bound by the characteristics that the actions of others may suggest. While what you allow to remain in your life may be in question, what you deserve has never been.

Who You Are

Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are believe them.” I typically think of this quote when trying to manage the expectations I have for others. This week, though, Angelou’s words took on a twist. I realized that my behavior also shows who I am and I should believe that as well.

There are several characteristics that we know we have and it is the combination of those characteristics that make us unique. For instance, I know that I enjoy solitude, I love to travel, and I am attracted to intellect and kindness. As a result, my life reflects my preferences. I actively make time for me to be in my own space. I have made traveling a priority and not simply a wish-list. I invest in relationships that mentally and emotionally provide a connection and growth potential. My choices are deliberate because I know who I am.

Some aspects of my character require me to make difficult choices. One has been my decision not to ingest negativity. I do not desire to be in the company of those who bring tension, constant complaints, and refuse to make progress. This decision has dictated that I back away from certain conversations and people. It’s not always easy, but it is necessary. This week I questioned if I was being too harsh until I considered Angelou’s quote. Not only should I believe others when they show me who they are, but I should also believe myself. I made a decision regarding negativity. My actions indicate that my decision is important to me. Refusing to consume negativity is a part of who I am.

What characteristics do you have? What have you done to embrace those traits and make them part of your lifestyle? Remember, your actions show others who you are. More importantly, though, your actions indicate who you are to someone far more significant. You.