Give Back the Burden

I chuckle as I hear the children in my life saying the same things I once said. An adult would tell me to pick up a toy or dirty dish and my response would be, "But that's not mine." I believed that whoever left their toy or dirty dish should be the one to pick it up. There are occasions when I wish I had kept that simple, childlike logic.

As we become adults we develop an unhealthy tendency to take other people's stuff—stuff that doesn't belong to us—as our own. Someone hurts us and we pick up that hurt—and the assumptions of why we were chosen for it—and lug all of that around like our favorite accessory. We take other people's negativity, sadness, guilt, shame, and dysfunction. We not only take it, we own it. We carry the baggage for so long that it becomes a part of us. We don't even recognize that the tension we clutch can be released as soon as we set it free—as soon as we decide to set ourselves free.

Someone's choice to mistreat you says nothing about your worth and everything about his/her inability to value it. Someone's abusive actions may be shameful, but that shame is not yours. That negativity, put it down. That sadness, relinquish it. That guilt, let it go. That shame, give it back. You were never required to pick up and lug the heaviness of others as your own. Let go of the weight that was never intended for you to carry. Give back the burden. Give it all back. It's not yours. It never was.

Read last week's post, Clarity.

What You Deserve

All of us have experienced hurt at the hands of someone else. Hurt could have resulted from a harsh comment, a betrayal, a refusal to be an advocate, or even an assault. Often times, we can rationalize that we were hurt because someone else made the decision to be hurtful. Yet even when we are aware that the hurt we experienced was unwarranted or undeserved, instead of rejecting the negativity, we ingest it. What we know is in direct conflict with what we feel.

For years I hoarded the hurt that others inflicted. I told myself repeatedly that what I experienced wasn't my fault, but I still managed to believe that something within me led others to treat me with less than kindness. The only rationale that made sense was that I brought something out in others and that the problem was internal, not external. Digesting the negativity of others further complicated my healing process. I had to learn to work through my pain without being consumed by it.

In last week's post on personal loyalty, you learned that you are not required to live out affinities inherited from any aspect of your past. Just as you can actively choose to pursue new loyalties, you are not required to carry the negativity that others have presented to you. If you had an overly critical or under engaged parent, that isn't a reflection of you. If you have had an unfaithful partner or partners, that isn't an indication of your worth. If your neighbor, employer, child, spouse, or even a stranger is unkind to you that doesn't mean you deserve cruelty. When you are mistreated or simply not fully appreciated, it is not your responsibility to take ownership of the blame for the abuse or neglect.

Taking responsibility for being abused or neglected is accepting that you are the reason it happens or that you deserve it. Over time, you seek out and are attracted to those who confirm your belief and the establishment of a pattern perpetuates what you feel about yourself. Instead of evaluating why you are drawn to certain personality types, you believe that you are being treated in hurtful ways because you deserve to be hurt. You do not deserve to be hurt! You are not required to live your life accepting hurt. You are not bound by the characteristics that the actions of others may suggest. While what you allow to remain in your life may be in question, what you deserve has never been.