What You Deserve

All of us have experienced hurt at the hands of someone else. Hurt could have resulted from a harsh comment, a betrayal, a refusal to be an advocate, or even an assault. Often times, we can rationalize that we were hurt because someone else made the decision to be hurtful. Yet even when we are aware that the hurt we experienced was unwarranted or undeserved, instead of rejecting the negativity, we ingest it. What we know is in direct conflict with what we feel.

For years I hoarded the hurt that others inflicted. I told myself repeatedly that what I experienced wasn't my fault, but I still managed to believe that something within me led others to treat me with less than kindness. The only rationale that made sense was that I brought something out in others and that the problem was internal, not external. Digesting the negativity of others further complicated my healing process. I had to learn to work through my pain without being consumed by it.

In last week's post on personal loyalty, you learned that you are not required to live out affinities inherited from any aspect of your past. Just as you can actively choose to pursue new loyalties, you are not required to carry the negativity that others have presented to you. If you had an overly critical or under engaged parent, that isn't a reflection of you. If you have had an unfaithful partner or partners, that isn't an indication of your worth. If your neighbor, employer, child, spouse, or even a stranger is unkind to you that doesn't mean you deserve cruelty. When you are mistreated or simply not fully appreciated, it is not your responsibility to take ownership of the blame for the abuse or neglect.

Taking responsibility for being abused or neglected is accepting that you are the reason it happens or that you deserve it. Over time, you seek out and are attracted to those who confirm your belief and the establishment of a pattern perpetuates what you feel about yourself. Instead of evaluating why you are drawn to certain personality types, you believe that you are being treated in hurtful ways because you deserve to be hurt. You do not deserve to be hurt! You are not required to live your life accepting hurt. You are not bound by the characteristics that the actions of others may suggest. While what you allow to remain in your life may be in question, what you deserve has never been.

Personal Loyalty

At eighteen-years-old I left for college and started learning about myself in ways that I didn't anticipate. One such lesson came as I paid more attention to my grocery shopping habits. While getting things like toothpaste and dishwashing detergent I was immediately drawn to certain brands. I became interested in the reasoning behind my automatic choices, but the only answer I came up with was that I bought what was familiar to me. I had no personal loyalty to any of the brands I chose beyond mirroring my parents' shopping habits.

Thinking of my imposed brand loyalty led me to consider my choices outside of the grocery store. If I'd been willing to purchase household items solely because it's what my parents bought, what other decisions had I surrendered? What other areas of my life had I let the past choose for me? What else was I loyal to without even realizing it?

 

Your childhood experiences greatly influence how you live as an adult. Fortunately, you have the option to repeat or repel and learn from your past. As you create normalcy for yourself, your partner, and/or your child(ren), it is wise to consider what types of loyalties are influencing your behavior.

You may have grown up in a balanced, healthy environment. In that circumstance, recreating as much of the positivity you experienced is ideal. For most, though, there are portions of your experiences that will require a bit more work. Having a parent who expressed more criticism than concern does not mean that you are destined to be in relationships with critical people. Make another choice. A parent leaving does not dictate that you will always be in relationships with unavailable people. Make another choice. An abusive past does not equate to an abusive future. Make another choice.

You have the option and responsibility to exercise loyalty to characteristics, actions, and people who make you feel the most supported, cared for, and loved. You no longer have to be loyal to what someone else selected for you. You now have the power to choose. Replace mindless, repetitive choices with intentional ones. You cannot control what has already happened, but you can positively shape your future by developing and strengthening personal loyalties that are most beneficial to you and for you.

Tough Decisions

I attempt to base all of my decisions—even the seemingly mundane ones—on whether or not I'm being authentic to myself and my vision. Pursuing authenticity isn't easy, though. I get exhausted with it. There are moments when it seems too hard and complicated to be so intentional. There are even times when I wonder, "Just this once it will not be that big of a deal. It will not make that much of an impact if I falter today." Once I start bargaining and pleading, I have to remind myself that following ease and short-sighted comfort will only lead me to frustration and disappointment and neither of those are part of my plan.

We all change as a result of growth. Knowing we need to engage in a lifestyle change is not enough, though. For instance, when we decide to eat healthier or start an exercise regiment the change does not end with making that decision. After our minds are made up we must begin the perpetual process of changing our lives to support that decision. Eating that first healthier meal doesn't constitute eating healthy. Going to gym or on that run the first time doesn't make anyone a workout regular or a runner. It is the repeated action that indicates change. Tough decisions aren't tough because we only have to decide once. Tough decisions are so challenging and painstaking because they have to be made continually. Again and again, we have to choose between long-term benefits and short-lived satisfaction. It is the repeated act of choosing that makes the pursuit of authenticity, healthy eating habits, physical fitness, and emotional wellness so difficult and for some seemingly unattainable.

Emotional wellness is evasive for so many. Our emotional health is consistently tested and there are many reasons why we often fail those tests. How many times have we known that a relationship was no longer serving us well yet we did nothing? How long have we known that our lifestyle wasn't producing our best self, but ignored that knowledge? For me, the answers to those questions are "too many times" and "for far too long." What I knew differed greatly from how I behaved. One day I had enough. I was tired of making excuses for actions that did not serve me well or produce my best self. It was time to make a tough decision and stand by that decision daily.

What tough decision(s) are you facing? What have you known you needed to do, but avoided putting into action? I had to stop forcing myself to be in the company or in situations that made me feel less than who I am. Although I was certain that this decision would positively impact every area of my life, there have been occasions when I wanted go back on my promise. Even recently, I wanted to give in, but I have to remind myself that I made a decision to be authentic and my actions must continuously reflect my decision. It isn't always easy. It doesn't always produce immediate positive feelings. Some days you will think it's too hard. However, there is nothing more valuable and no cause more worthy than producing your best, healthiest self.

Discover Who You Are

Flic en Flac, Mauritius

I went through a phase of reading inspirational books with a spiritual slant. One of the terms that resonated with me most was transparency. Everyone described as transparent had openly and unapologetically shared her story, in all its glory and heartbreak. Reading these uplifting anecdotes and seeing the impact the authors made in the lives of others created a desire in me to do the same. I challenged myself to be transparent. However, I gave myself a charge I didn't fully understand. My focus was external and transparency is an internal journey.

On my misguided road to transparency I repeatedly told my story and could see the impact that a shared or similar background created. Sadly, it was rehearsed and I was on emotional autopilot. I told the story repeatedly with no emotional connection. I recited details, but lacked feeling. I told myself it was just getting easier to tell with the passage of time, but the truth was that I wasn't pursuing transparency, I was running from it. I convinced myself that reading the script of my life was synonymous with being open. Delivering the story was easier than engaging with my story. Stating the facts didn't demand attention. I detached so instead of being transparent—what I claimed I wanted—I was becoming emotionally impenetrable. It is impossible to make a real connection with anyone while failing to connect with self.

Eventually, I was no longer satisfied simply telling my story because I wanted to share my story. I grew tired of existing under the illusion of openness. I wanted to be open. I wanted to be transparent, honestly this time, so I had to start with me. I had to connect with my own story first.

An object is considered to be transparent when light can reflect or pass through it. Think of water, glass, air, and windows. You can see through them and when there's light, the light passes through. The same is true with us. When we make a commitment to self-discovery and are willing to connect to and engage with our truth then others can see us clearly and more importantly, we can clearly see ourselves and let our own light shine through.

Transform Your Life

I love watching shows that feature tattoo coverups. I am quite amused by the horrible tattoos and the stories affiliated with them, but I am equally impressed by the creative talent of the tattoo artists. While that is enough to justify being entertained for a half hour, there’s another reason that I am so fascinated with tattoo coverup shows. It is nearly therapeutic to see representations of bad decisions transformed into meaningful works of art.

Each day we make decisions. Some are mundane like deciding what to wear or eat, who we’ll call or which street to take. Other decisions—those involving relationships, childrearing, education, and career choices—can cause anxiety. In either case, we deliberate knowing that some consequences of our decisions are irreversible and carry lifelong implications. However, that information is only useful to us today, as we consider future choices. Punishing ourselves over decisions we’ve already made is not useful, beneficial, nor wise. We simply need to start today.

You may have made questionable choices that have had long-term consequences. No matter the reasons for making those choices, your life is not too far gone. As long as you have tomorrow you have the ability to redirect. If you are willing, you can change your course. When you have the motivation and stamina needed to simply continue, you can change your life. Just as someone can walk into a tattoo parlor to cover an image that no longer depicts who s/he is, you can reconfigure the parts of your life that do not reflect who you’ve become. If an artist can take something permanent and unappealing and use its features to develop something aesthetically and emotionally pleasant, you can transform your life to more adequately reflect its complete and complex beauty.

What You Deserve

The way that we treat one another is the result of a combination of factors. In just one relationship there are two people who interpret things differently and will base their actions on how they view the relationship, the significance of the relationship, their histories, and how they feel about themselves. With all of those variables it's no wonder we often misinterpret the actions of others and misunderstand ourselves.

When someone we care for hurts us it leaves an impression. We want to determine if the hurt was intentional or not. We want to know if it will happen again. We also want to know what we did to cause the hurtful word or action. While it's healthy to engage in self-reflection, far too many of us internalize how we're treated in detrimental ways.

A friend of mine recently sent me a gift and I thought it was sweet and considerate of her. Not once did I assume that she took the time to mail me a gift because of a quality I possessed. She sent me a gift because she's considerate. Logical thought process, right? Ironically, when those we care for treat us in a way that is less than desirable, we interpret that situation differently. We don't consider the combination of factors that influence a relationship and we fail to connect the hurt with the other person. Instead, we flirt with notions of self-destructive feedback. How s/he treated me is a reflection on me. If I was mistreated it's because I deserve it. While self-reflection is beneficial, internalizing negativity is dangerous because we make connections with those who justify our perceptions. We seek out relationships that confirm what we think deserve.

Consider your circle. With whom do you spend the majority of your time? How do you feel when they're around? If you have a healthy and responsible sense of self then the people with whom you spend the majority of your time provide you with both affirmations and space to grow. They celebrate your victories yet encourage progress. If your circle is not affirming or encouraging or does not provide you with space to grow then it's time to think about the areas of your life that you seek validation. What you think you deserve is reflected in your relationship choices because you surround yourself with those who validate your impressions. What does your circle reveal concerning what you think you deserve and how you feel about yourself?

Reflection

Reflection is a powerful and necessary part of self-discovery. Unfortunately, few of us engage in self-reflection because it requires a level of honesty that we fear. In order for reflection to be effective we have to ask ourselves some tough questions and dig deep for the real answers. It's only when we get to the truth that we can live out our truth.

I used to put those close to me through a trust test. I’d reveal a nugget of information and evaluate their reaction before believing I had evidence that I could and should divulge more. I’m not exactly sure what constituted a passing reaction, but this method brought me comfort for a while. Eventually, as I desired to be more authentic, my comfort dissolved. All that time I assumed that those trust tests revealed something about those I examined. The truth? My need to test trust revealed more about me. Why did I think that was necessary? What was I hoping to avoid or confirm? How would those I loved feel if they knew I was testing them? Why did I feel the need to test the people I carefully chose to be a close part of my life?

Asking questions and forcing myself to give truthful answers was not easy. I convinced myself that I was testing trust because I needed confirmation that I could trust them. That was easier to accept than the truth. I gave others my trust test because I didn’t trust my choices and I didn't trust my choices because I doubted self-worth. Imagine my surprise. I was the one person I felt I could trust yet I was engaging in this ridiculous behavior because I couldn't even trust my own relationship choices or my worth.

Take the steps and time necessary to do some self-reflection. Not only will you be granted with clarity to make better choices, but you'll also know what areas of your life require your attention and as a result, you'll improve your relationships with others, as well as yourself. Ever since I discovered my lack of trust in self and worth I have been able to focus on improving the areas that need work instead of the areas that felt safer to work on. Not only do I feel better and more clear, but my relationships are better and richer.