What You Deserve

The way that we treat one another is the result of a combination of factors. In just one relationship there are two people who interpret things differently and will base their actions on how they view the relationship, the significance of the relationship, their histories, and how they feel about themselves. With all of those variables it's no wonder we often misinterpret the actions of others and misunderstand ourselves.

When someone we care for hurts us it leaves an impression. We want to determine if the hurt was intentional or not. We want to know if it will happen again. We also want to know what we did to cause the hurtful word or action. While it's healthy to engage in self-reflection, far too many of us internalize how we're treated in detrimental ways.

A friend of mine recently sent me a gift and I thought it was sweet and considerate of her. Not once did I assume that she took the time to mail me a gift because of a quality I possessed. She sent me a gift because she's considerate. Logical thought process, right? Ironically, when those we care for treat us in a way that is less than desirable, we interpret that situation differently. We don't consider the combination of factors that influence a relationship and we fail to connect the hurt with the other person. Instead, we flirt with notions of self-destructive feedback. How s/he treated me is a reflection on me. If I was mistreated it's because I deserve it. While self-reflection is beneficial, internalizing negativity is dangerous because we make connections with those who justify our perceptions. We seek out relationships that confirm what we think deserve.

Consider your circle. With whom do you spend the majority of your time? How do you feel when they're around? If you have a healthy and responsible sense of self then the people with whom you spend the majority of your time provide you with both affirmations and space to grow. They celebrate your victories yet encourage progress. If your circle is not affirming or encouraging or does not provide you with space to grow then it's time to think about the areas of your life that you seek validation. What you think you deserve is reflected in your relationship choices because you surround yourself with those who validate your impressions. What does your circle reveal concerning what you think you deserve and how you feel about yourself?

Your Inner Circle

If you take inventory of my close friends you will recognize similarities. They are driven, independent, strong, considerate, and have a sparkling sense of humor. My friends and I push one another to pursue our dreams, love each other through life’s challenges, and laugh relentlessly. Think about your inner circle. Consider those with whom you spend the majority of your time. What similarities exist between your circle of friends and what do these similarities suggest about your personality?

If you find yourself surrounded by people who are always talking about what they are going to do, but rarely act, what does this imply about the steps you take—or don’t take—in your own life? If you and your friends spend happy hour being unhappy and complaining about every single thing imaginable, what does that indicate about your level of gratitude? If you are often in the company of gossips, what does that suggest about the type of information you seek to fill your mind? Your inner circle is a direct reflection of you. 

Sadly, some of us are more selective about material things than our relationships. I know someone who will only drive a Cadillac. I know someone else who only buys Coach purses. As a kid, I knew someone who would only purchase Nike shoes. If we can be that specific and certain about what kind of car we drive, what kind of purse we carry, and what kind of shoes we wear, surely we can stand to be a lot more careful about the company we keep. We are responsible for the influences that we allow in our lives, including the relationships we cultivate. Be mindful and take inventory of your inner circle.