New Space

Last year I walked away from a regimented life of work and graduate school for a trip around the world. I left routine for wonder. I knew my semester-long journey would change me, but I had no idea it would send my previous life away for good. In addition to reaching the end of a wanderlust lover’s greatest dream, I also had the agonizing task of saying goodbye to my father. None of my life resembled what I left. I had traveled to fourteen countries in four months, but nothing felt as foreign as my return home. Everything was so different that I felt lost in the change. I wondered where I was and who I was in the new space.

Who we are is not where we live, where we work, nor is it solely wrapped up in the people in our lives. Who we are is the internal voice that is present at home, at work, and in the company of loved ones—and not-so-loved ones. We often get so focused on our day-to-day activities that who we are goes unheard. We can be so preoccupied performing roles and playing into expectations that who we are is silenced. Ironically, it is in unchartered territory that we are successful in discovering our most authentic self.

My life didn’t feel familiar, but the comfort of familiarity is the enemy of growth. Wading in the contentment of routine ushers in complacency and erodes motivation. This period of uncertainty and partial seclusion has been uncomfortable, challenging, and difficult, but it has also been freeing, insightful, and inspiring. I once longed for my routine, but I now love my deeper understanding and appreciation of independence. I hoped my relationships would remain the same, yet if they had, I wouldn't have been as grateful for the unexpected sources of support that have become my daily rays of sunshine. I initially wanted to recreate the life I left, but I have grown more driven to produce a life I wouldn’t dream of leaving. My life changes demanded me to change my life. I was never lost in the new space, I simply needed to grow in order to operate in it.

Let Love Lead

Someone I love sent a message that generated a response in me that was a bit smart-mouthed. Honestly, there was nothing ‘a bit’ smart-mouthed about it. The retort was intended to counter the sting that I felt. Before I replied, I took a moment to consider the purpose of sending such a response to someone I loved. Someone whose presence in my life was important to me. Someone with whom I’d shared many laughs and heart-felt discussions. Someone I learned to trust. Although a part of me was amused at the thought of that remark, I had to ask myself a serious question: Where was the love in that response?

It only takes a second for our lives to change. It only takes a single turn for us to walk down a path unintended. It only takes one hurtful comment to start to unravel what took years to build. How we speak to others is an indication of how we value relationships and ultimately, how we value ourselves.

I could have justified sending that comment. I could have used my hurt as an excuse to be careless—even for a second. However, I wanted to my response to come from a loving place, not a cruel place. Instead of sending a hasty, thoughtless message, I considered my friend’s feelings and circumstances. I considered my friend. I realized that she had no intention of offending me. She was simply being honest. More importantly, when I considered my own circumstances, I realized that I was being sensitive. Had I responded prematurely, my intent would have been hurtful and the sentiment I conveyed would have been dishonest. Reflecting rather than reacting taught me a vital lesson: It is imperative to let love lead instead of fleeting, fickle feelings.

Back to Basics

At some point most of us have assumed that a simplistic life is forced on others, not chosen. I know I did. Even worse, I thought that those with a collection of things—a large house, luxury cars, name-brand suits, and matching accessories—were the ones who had what I should seek. They represented the freedom of purchasing power and I believed that equated to success. In my adolescent mind, those without had to live without. I never considered that they elected to have less in order to gain more. 

I recently spent a few hours at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit in Conyers, Georgia, and it was an inspiring experience. The architecture and landscaping was stunning. Combined with seclusion, fresh air, and a gorgeous blue sky, it was hard not to feel at peace. It wasn’t long before I fully understood why monks opted to live a simple life. After letting go of the notion that simplicity isn’t always the equivalent of plain, backward, or ordinary, I saw their lives in their entirety. The simplistic lifestyle of a monk represented all of the ‘things’ I now strive for—purity, honesty, clarity, and peace.

Those with the wisdom to commit to a disciplined, contemplative life of community, service, and solitude gift themselves with the life that most of us reserve for special occasions. We plan elaborate vacations and sabbaticals to take a break from the trappings associated with the life that we claim to want. What if we could live in the same level of renewal and peace that we only occasionally think is important? What if we lived our lives with a constant focus on inner peace? What would we usher into our every day? Fulfillment? Freedom? Peace? While I'm not ready to become a monk I certainly understand the allure. After just a few hours observing their lifestyle and witnessing the light in their eyes, I have a deeper understanding of their motivation and a renewed desire to acquire less by becoming more.

Live Honestly

During my twenties people were overwhelmingly supportive of my nomadic nature. My independence and desire to see the world was often praised. As the years passed, what I needed in my twenties expanded, but reflected the same basic needs—peace and freedom. When I entered a new decade the perspective of my lifestyle changed in the eyes of others. To some, my independence started to look selfish and my desire to see the world resembled instability.

You have internal ambitions. What drives you isn’t any less significant or less meaningful than what drives others. You don’t exist to give your life meaning—your life already has meaning. Your life already matters. That’s why what you accomplish impacts the people in your life. Your triumphs instill inspiration in others because your life matters, not the other way around.

Those who have judged my life through their lenses of fulfillment taught me an incredible lesson. I am responsible for living honestly. I am responsible for pursuing what drives me most. What's important for me to achieve may be drastically different from what's important to you. There is no judgment in the difference.

What motivates you may not line up with the expectations of your friends and family. Don't deny yourself fulfillment. Your dreams matter because you matter. Have the courage to be honest. Be brave enough to pursue success on your terms. Living authentically will prove to provide all of the support you need.

Commitment

A momentous occasion took place this week. My grandparents celebrated sixty years of marriage. Sixty years! As I looked at all who gathered to wish them well, I couldn’t help thinking about how the decisions of two people have impacted so many. While there are many reasons why their lives have been so influential, one of the most notable has been their choice to live out their commitment.

You don’t have to go far to hear news of people opting out of commitments. Marriages don’t last. Student athletes transfer to different schools. Employees leave jobs and careers. Consumers trade in cars and electronics for the latest models. We are no longer encouraged or even expected to commit. When we are no longer satisfied or happy, we seek out new ways, people, and things to provide us with what we think we’re missing. I’m not suggesting that we never need to change our direction, but there are times when what we’re missing isn’t external. Sometimes we need to commit to ourselves in order to live our best lives.

My grandparents made a commitment to one another, their marriage, and their family. Sixty years later my family and I benefit because of their actions over the last 21,900 days. What would happen if you committed to anything for sixty years? What would you achieve for your family? What if you made a commitment to reach your greatest self for even sixteen years? I am grateful to my grandparents for making such a great choice. They committed to one another and that commitment is influencing lives more than sixty years after they said, “I do”.

Meaningful Friendship

We hold certain expectations for people because we learn who to count on for different things. We know who to go to for encouragement, giggles, travel adventures, venting sessions, a night out, a night in, dating advice, or a good debate. While this is healthy, we must be careful. Over time we can easily slip from appreciation to expectation and take those who invest in us for granted.

Think about your friendship gestures or the ways you express your love. Whether you show love with gifts, time, physical affection, encouragement, or with thoughtful deeds, you do so because you deem that particular expression to be valuable. You give what is valuable not because you don’t need it—you give it because it is your best.

Now, consider those in your life. They show their love in different ways. You may have a particular friend who gives amazing gifts or who sends cards just because. You may have another friend who is present to celebrate every occasion. There could be someone else who has a kind, inspiring word or a loving embrace even when you don’t know that you need it. In different ways, your friends give you what they deem to be valuable, not what they have in excess. Those who provide laughter need cheer. People who exude strength need to be strengthened. Listeners need to be heard. Those who provide meaningful friendship also need meaningful friendship.

Stand Firm

Athletes, actors, and entertainers live in the glow and heat of the spotlight. When they make a decision, whether it pertains to their career or not, there is a public reaction. If they succeed or fail, there is a spike in conversation on television, the radio, and online. Although the majority of us will never live with such an intense level of scrutiny, watching the fallout that celebrities face can serve to remind us of our need to stand firm when pursuing our dreams.

In order to live the life you seek, it is vital for you to keep your lifelong goals in the forefront of your mind. When you remain focused on your goals it increases the likelihood that you’ll make purposeful decisions. Maintaining focus will also decrease the likelihood that you will allow setbacks or critical comments to throw you off course. Equally important, if you focus on what you are working towards, you will not become complacent because some are enamored with everything you do. Sometimes you can be surrounded by so many well wishes that you start believing your own hype. Just as negative comments shouldn’t deter you, encouragement shouldn’t lessen your productivity.

Failure to stand firm can result in a shift in your behavior due to both criticism and compliments. Words of others cannot negatively impact your level of commitment or dedication. Whether people shout their doubts or sing your praises, stand firm in your pursuit. Glean only the useful information from what others believe about you and most importantly, stand firm in what you believe about yourself.