Transform Your Life

I love watching shows that feature tattoo coverups. I am quite amused by the horrible tattoos and the stories affiliated with them, but I am equally impressed by the creative talent of the tattoo artists. While that is enough to justify being entertained for a half hour, there’s another reason that I am so fascinated with tattoo coverup shows. It is nearly therapeutic to see representations of bad decisions transformed into meaningful works of art.

Each day we make decisions. Some are mundane like deciding what to wear or eat, who we’ll call or which street to take. Other decisions—those involving relationships, childrearing, education, and career choices—can cause anxiety. In either case, we deliberate knowing that some consequences of our decisions are irreversible and carry lifelong implications. However, that information is only useful to us today, as we consider future choices. Punishing ourselves over decisions we’ve already made is not useful, beneficial, nor wise. We simply need to start today.

You may have made questionable choices that have had long-term consequences. No matter the reasons for making those choices, your life is not too far gone. As long as you have tomorrow you have the ability to redirect. If you are willing, you can change your course. When you have the motivation and stamina needed to simply continue, you can change your life. Just as someone can walk into a tattoo parlor to cover an image that no longer depicts who s/he is, you can reconfigure the parts of your life that do not reflect who you’ve become. If an artist can take something permanent and unappealing and use its features to develop something aesthetically and emotionally pleasant, you can transform your life to more adequately reflect its complete and complex beauty.

What You Deserve

The way that we treat one another is the result of a combination of factors. In just one relationship there are two people who interpret things differently and will base their actions on how they view the relationship, the significance of the relationship, their histories, and how they feel about themselves. With all of those variables it's no wonder we often misinterpret the actions of others and misunderstand ourselves.

When someone we care for hurts us it leaves an impression. We want to determine if the hurt was intentional or not. We want to know if it will happen again. We also want to know what we did to cause the hurtful word or action. While it's healthy to engage in self-reflection, far too many of us internalize how we're treated in detrimental ways.

A friend of mine recently sent me a gift and I thought it was sweet and considerate of her. Not once did I assume that she took the time to mail me a gift because of a quality I possessed. She sent me a gift because she's considerate. Logical thought process, right? Ironically, when those we care for treat us in a way that is less than desirable, we interpret that situation differently. We don't consider the combination of factors that influence a relationship and we fail to connect the hurt with the other person. Instead, we flirt with notions of self-destructive feedback. How s/he treated me is a reflection on me. If I was mistreated it's because I deserve it. While self-reflection is beneficial, internalizing negativity is dangerous because we make connections with those who justify our perceptions. We seek out relationships that confirm what we think deserve.

Consider your circle. With whom do you spend the majority of your time? How do you feel when they're around? If you have a healthy and responsible sense of self then the people with whom you spend the majority of your time provide you with both affirmations and space to grow. They celebrate your victories yet encourage progress. If your circle is not affirming or encouraging or does not provide you with space to grow then it's time to think about the areas of your life that you seek validation. What you think you deserve is reflected in your relationship choices because you surround yourself with those who validate your impressions. What does your circle reveal concerning what you think you deserve and how you feel about yourself?

Reflection

Reflection is a powerful and necessary part of self-discovery. Unfortunately, few of us engage in self-reflection because it requires a level of honesty that we fear. In order for reflection to be effective we have to ask ourselves some tough questions and dig deep for the real answers. It's only when we get to the truth that we can live out our truth.

I used to put those close to me through a trust test. I’d reveal a nugget of information and evaluate their reaction before believing I had evidence that I could and should divulge more. I’m not exactly sure what constituted a passing reaction, but this method brought me comfort for a while. Eventually, as I desired to be more authentic, my comfort dissolved. All that time I assumed that those trust tests revealed something about those I examined. The truth? My need to test trust revealed more about me. Why did I think that was necessary? What was I hoping to avoid or confirm? How would those I loved feel if they knew I was testing them? Why did I feel the need to test the people I carefully chose to be a close part of my life?

Asking questions and forcing myself to give truthful answers was not easy. I convinced myself that I was testing trust because I needed confirmation that I could trust them. That was easier to accept than the truth. I gave others my trust test because I didn’t trust my choices and I didn't trust my choices because I doubted self-worth. Imagine my surprise. I was the one person I felt I could trust yet I was engaging in this ridiculous behavior because I couldn't even trust my own relationship choices or my worth.

Take the steps and time necessary to do some self-reflection. Not only will you be granted with clarity to make better choices, but you'll also know what areas of your life require your attention and as a result, you'll improve your relationships with others, as well as yourself. Ever since I discovered my lack of trust in self and worth I have been able to focus on improving the areas that need work instead of the areas that felt safer to work on. Not only do I feel better and more clear, but my relationships are better and richer.

Your Own Place

My parents grew up in the same city. Over the years I repeatedly heard their fond memories and tons of remember-when stories. My view of that same location is different from that of my parents. The same place where they've seen a pleasant backdrop to their coming-of-age story, I see pain and loss. 

The place my family loves and loves visiting is one that is has become increasingly difficult for me to return. They are flooded with nostalgia and longing; I feel anxiety and heartache. They perceive their beloved hometown as a breath of fresh air; I find it difficult to breathe. I tried convincing myself to experience the city in the same light as my family. I thought it would be easier to comply and not rock the boat. What I had to learn, despite any misunderstanding or pressure—whether intentional or not—is that I am not required to thrive in the same places as others.

You were not designed to live out your success story in the same place as others. It is possible for an identical situation—a career choice, a marital status, the decision to become a parent, a location, etc.—to produce very different, even opposite outcomes. An ideal position for one can be toxic for you. What can bring about the perfect circumstances for someone to flourish can siphon the oxygen from your dreams. The same city that tugs my family's heartstrings has broken mine.

Don’t force your experiences, talents, skills, and life story into someone else’s expectations or shadow. You have your own path and it was designed specifically for you. How, where, or when others thrive is not a predictor of your future. You were created to thrive in your own way, on your own time, and in your own place.

Be Your Advocate

While waiting to get my hair cut, I overheard a kid complaining. His mother said, “It’s just a haircut. It doesn’t hurt.” He responded, “Yes, it does!” The barber turned off the clippers, looked at them and said, “I know why it hurts. I’m so sorry. Let me get another pair.” I smiled as I realized that his actions taught me a lesson—by continuing to speak up this little boy prevented a needless uncomfortable experience. This child did not allow his mother’s doubt to convince him that his assessment was incorrect. 

How many times has someone’s reaction to your feelings made you question if those feelings were valid? How many times has someone led you to wonder if you were being more sensitive than the situation called for? Do you ignore your feelings and hope that the pain resolves itself? Or do you continue to acknowledge your discomfort like this little boy had the wisdom to do?

You are not responsible for convincing others that your pain is valid. You are not obligated to prove the depth of your hurt. You are not required to persuade anyone that your experiences have left you with triggers. You are responsible for advocating for yourself. Being an advocate for yourself means standing up for what you know is your truth. Those who support you will support you. You do not have to prove or assure others of what you know to be true. You simply need to walk in your truth.

Become your advocate. Be intentional with your recovery and progress. When life hands you a challenge, you have every right to acknowledge what you feel as you select a logical course of action to push you forward.

Self-Preservation

Many are so matted in people pleasing and displaying a public persona that they become negligent. They ignore sensibility and kindness to self in order to chase a positive reaction or to avoid a negative reaction from others. To be clear, this isn’t the same as generosity. This is generosity turned on its head.

For longer than I care to admit I was guilty of putting the desires of others before my own. At times, what they wanted was undeniably hazardous and unreasonable, but that didn’t stop me from trying to grant their wishes. I wanted to do what they expected—with a smile on my face—to avoid fallout and discomfort. Saying no seemed too disruptive. What I failed to acknowledge was just how disruptive I was being to myself. Thankfully, self-preservation stepped in and demanded more.

There are times when we are no longer allowed to do what we’ve always done. It can manifest as perpetual internal nagging or physical symptoms like chest discomfort, stomach pain, trouble breathing, fatigue, inability to concentrate, or nervous behaviors. Don’t ignore the signs. When we ignore the quiet, less explicit signs, we are (thankfully) hit with a louder or harder sign until we take notice. The key is to take notice and take action before the hit is too loud or too hard to be reversed.

If you’re people pleasing instead of practicing self responsibility or spending more energy portraying instead of discovering who you are, it's time to stop. People pleasing will only lead you on a path to more people pleasing. Portraying a persona will only lead you further away from your most fulfilled and authentic self. Failing to take care of yourself will always leave you feeling empty and insufficient. Change your course. Take the path to self-discovery and you'll find that those who genuinely love you are already pleased with you and will continue to be supportive as you reach the fullness of who you are.

Unreasonable Expectations

There are common needs in all relationships—love, support, and respect—but the types of expectations attached to each relationship differs. Our children have different expectations for us than our parents and those relationship expectations differ from that of our siblings and friends. In each relationship, we choose to meet those expectations or not. Our choice is usually made when we determine whether the expectations are reasonable.

For years I struggled with unreasonable expectations, even though I was confident that what was being asked was completely unhealthy. I muted the blaring alarms, bells, and whistles—keeping public peace while living in private chaos. I allowed family obligation and a desire to people please to repeatedly put me in unhealthy spaces. What resulted was unnecessary stress, high anxiety, and overly critical self-talk. As if that wasn't detrimental enough, my decision to meet these demands led to even more occasions for unreasonable expectations.

To distract myself from the red flags constantly in view I shifted my focus. I convinced myself that my stress, anxiety, and overly critical self-talk would diminish if those asking me to sacrifice my emotional health would acknowledge my efforts. I wanted them to say, “I know how hard you try to grant my unrealistic requests just so that I can be comfortable.” I thought that if they would admit that what they wanted from me was unreasonable then I would feel better about myself. Essentially, I wanted them to validate my self negligence because I could not.

There was nothing admirable or noble about me giving up my peace of mind. Absolutely nothing. I was accountable for my emotional health and I had been totally careless and frivolous with my most important relationship—the one I had with myself. It was no longer the fault of others for having those expectations. The problem was with me. It was my responsibility to say no. I needed to care enough for myself to stand up. All of the excuses I had—it's family, you've been doing this for so long already, you can handle it, etc.—were just as ridiculous as the requests. My life wouldn't change unless I had the courage to change. It had to begin with me.

 

All relationships come with responsibility, including the one you have with self. If others present you with unreasonable expectations you have a right to refuse. You may have been taught that self-care is selfish. It is not. You are worth more than willingly handing over your peace of mind. You deserve more than giving so much of yourself that there's nothing left. Your treatment of self demonstrates how you expect to be treated and indicates what you think you deserve. Be sure to set a reasonable, kind, healthy, and loving example.