Space

We have been convinced that spaciousness is supreme. We dream of owning a huge house with as many bathrooms as bedrooms, a three-car garage, on land large enough to house a compound. In addition to our mega complex for more spacious things, personal space is also valued at such a premium that airlines and rail lines charge more money for it. Space is a hot commodity that has changed what we want and the way we live, travel, and interact with one another.

When I moved to Michigan in 2012, I moved into a large apartment, by myself. While it was often convenient and comfortable, I didn't need all of that space and having it did not always serve me well. It was great when I had overnight guests. It was not great when I felt alone. It seemed to amplify the loneliness and bounce it off of every wall for me to hear over and over again. That space also enabled me to keep things I should have released, purchase things I didn't need, and shut the door on all of those things so I didn't have to look at them or deal with them.

In addition to the drawbacks associated with physical space, there's another element of space that I subscribed to that was more detrimental—emotional space. Keeping emotional space, distance, did not always serve me well either. I developed emotional distance for the same reason that most do—because the actions of a few destroyed my ability to trust. When I did discover my support system, which was solid, genuine, and fully committed to my well-being, I was too embarrassed, ashamed, and flat out terrified to truly let people in to what I deemed my overwhelming, complicated emotional vault.

Being distant from others produced outcomes that contradicted what I wanted. Space gave my mind room to wander to horrible places, replaying scenes of my history of trauma. Space allowed me to get lost in the negative messages I repeated to myself. Space made me feel alone and undeserving of the support, acceptance, and love I needed. All of the emotional work I'd done to create a sense of safety and peace was evaporating in that space. Space was not what I needed. I needed connection. I needed people right there, up close and personal, not just telling me I had their support, but demonstrating it, repeatedly. I didn't need more space, I needed less. Much less.

When we have space, we have extra room for miscellaneous things—all the stuff that has no specific place and at times, no value. We put it in a spare room and shut the door so that we can maintain attachments that need to be severed without having to see the impact of those unhealthy attachments. We give ourselves so much space that it prevents others from getting close enough to witness our emotional clutter, making it impossible for them to help us clear it out.

Does space provide you with convenience and comfort or has it become an enabler? Have you given those you trust, those who have proven their commitment to your well-being, access to fully support you? Are you being honest with them? Are you being honest with yourself?

Assess the space in your life. Make necessary adjustments. All of the support you need will be there. Don't be afraid to let people in. Don't be afraid to get close. We were designed to be connected and have relationships. It is when those connections and bonds are broken that we feel disrupted, abandoned, and unloved. Space is not always the answer. At times, space is the problem.

Not That Special

One of the hardest lessons we learn comes at the hands of others, but we serve as accomplices. It doesn't matter how young we are when that lesson first arrives or how many times it repeats, we are still surprised and hurt when it comes around again, as if history hadn't already whispered, tapped us, then shouted, shoved, and finally thrown a brick at us prior. We promise we will never allow it again...until someone else comes along and we consider ourselves much more special (and less rational) than we should.

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them." That phrase is both simple and profound. I've used it to validate my choices, evaluate relationships, and protect myself. Yet my validating, evaluating, and protecting self still wanted to be more—more unique, more deserving, and quite frankly, more special than the truth. I believed that someone wouldn't treat me the same way that s/he treats everyone else because our relationship, i.e., me, was special. I thought I was special enough to have a more genuine and loving version of someone who may not have even cared to be more genuine or more loving.

If someone is unkind to others, the day will come when she is unkind to you. If someone is careless with other people's feelings, he will have moments when he is careless with yours. The person who gossips, exaggerates, is inconsiderate, disappoints, lies on, ignores, or is selfish with others doesn't do so because everyone, except you, deserves it. When you hear that first whisper, listen. When you feel that gentle tap, take heed. Don't wait for the shout or the shove—and certainly not the brick—to believe people when they show you who they are.

Sense of Self

I am a reformed trust tester. I would purposely share something relatively harmless—something that if my friends/test takers told someone else or didn't respond in a way that I deemed desirable wouldn't be soul crushing. While there is wisdom in being selective, I was testing people who had been in my life for more than a decade! I was testing people who had already proven that they were committed to the relationship. What I couldn't see was that my need to test revealed more about my inability to trust my own judgment and what I thought of myself than those I was testing.

Eventually, I transitioned and was no longer dropping pieces of my heart and seeing how those pieces were handled. I graduated to opening up and expectantly waiting for signs of abandonment. Any slight variation—and I didn't care how slight—in my interactions with others sent me heart first into an insecurity tailspin. My writer's imagination would go into hyperdrive. Scenarios filled my brain, all ending with me being deserted, explaining why our interactions changed. I expected others to walk away because that is what I felt I deserved. I expected them to be overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain because I was overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain. I expected others to treat me with the same impatience and harsh judgment that I reserved for myself. My relationships, no matter how strong or well-intentioned, could not grow until I dealt with the way that I related to myself.

It is vital to take a candid evaluation of your most important relationship. Elements of how you think of yourself are sprinkled throughout your life and your relationships with others are no exception. The health of all of your relationships is dependent on and intertwined with the health of your relationship with yourself. Essentially, your external relationships are a reflection and an extension of your internal health. When you have a healthy sense of self your relationships with others become stronger, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love because you are strong, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love.

Investments

All of us have investments and we invest with the hope of receiving a benefit. We purchase homes, cars, clothing, jewelry, stocks, and bonds expecting that they will provide us with use or increased value over time. In addition to financial investments, we personally invest our time and energy into others. Unfortunately, most of those investments aren't purely intentional and many of us fail to realize that who we have been devoted to has brought more detriment than benefit.

Our relationships are one of our greatest investments. Who we choose to spend our most precious assets with—time, energy, trust, care, and love—contributes to our mental and emotional well-being. While we don't consider relationships to be transactional (i.e., I do for you, you do for me), those who occupy an intimate space in our lives should add value, not diminish nor deplete it.

Are those you are closest to and allow into your space benefitting you with support, consistency, safety, reassurance, respect, and love? Or do you constantly question their intentions, have to defend your choices, fight disappointment, and need to rebuild your sense of worth after you engage with them? Does your circle of support feel strong, reliable, and genuine or does it have weak spots, holes, and conditions? As you consider your answers also reflect on what your contributions have been to your investments. How and to whom have you devoted your time and energy? Are your choices based on authentic and mutual commitment and care or have you been persuaded by guilt and obligation?

Your mental stability matters. Your emotional state matters. Your feelings matter. Anything concerning you matters and is greatly influenced by the relationships you choose. Devote your time to those who share your mission for your life, support your heart, and positively contribute to your well-being. Financial investments are intended to build wealth. Your personal investments should build you.

The Choice

Most are inclined to offer opinions on everything. Without being prompted people blurt out their judgments on music, fashion, television shows, movies, current events, and even the way you live your life. Although annoying, it is typically harmless. However, there are occasions when opinions can be a hindrance. When people offer opinions on highly charged situations in which you are not confident or when people you love want you to do what is not in your best interest, it can be an exhausting, emotional battle. It's important to remember that the choice is always yours.

When it comes to your relationships, someone always has something to say about who should or shouldn't be there. This isn't meant to negate the value of the opinions of others. There are times when you need others to illuminate what you fail or refuse to recognize and see. However, decisions ultimately come down to your choice and you should always choose to live well.

When someone hurts you, you owe it to yourself to do the necessary work so that you don't harbor that hurt. Call it forgiveness, reconciling, or moving on, but no matter the term, do what's needed so that the effects of the hurt aren't compounded by your refusal to release. What is absolutely not required when you forgive, reconcile, or move on is for you to place yourself in the same circumstances or in the company of those who hurt you. Reconcile the incident and move forward, but healing does not constitute that you have to return to the relationship. There are some circumstances when the hurt is larger and has made more of an impact than the bond itself.

Someone else deciding to stay does not mean you have to stay. Someone pleading for you to return does not mean you have to return. Hearing promises does not mean you have to believe those promises. Feeling like you don't have the strength to refuse does not mean you cannot find the strength to refuse. You have options. You can move past the incident and reconcile the relationship or you can move past both the incident and the relationship. The choice is always yours.

Life's Best

Since graduating from college I have lived in Maryland, Virginia, California, Indiana, and now I've returned to Michigan. My contact list is varied and over the years relationships have divided into categories of a solely historical context, some level of interaction, or an increasingly important relationship. Many times busyness and distance gets the blame when people drift apart, but I own the right and responsibility for prioritizing and ensuring that those who belong in my circle remain there.

As time passes, I am increasingly selective with how and with whom I spend it. A few years ago, though, guilt directed my behavior and led me into situations that were not only unwanted, but did not even feel right. Now I am guided by the pursuit of peace. My choices are not always understood or even appreciated, but it is more important to be honest than to gain approval. It is better to be healthy than pleasing. It is more beneficial to be at peace rather than nurse confusion. Has it been easy? Not always, but the alternative, taking time and attention away from those who have proven that they have my best interests at heart and support all of me, is not fair nor desired. My life is much more full, free, and pleasant since I've intentionally nurtured sustaining relationships instead of trying to force life into draining ones.

Your relationships are vital. They can usher in life's best. They can provide support, encouragement, belonging, consistency, affection, joy, laughter, safety, security, companionship, and love. Alternatively, unhealthy relationships can reduce life's best by bringing in anxiety, distress, uncertainty, stress, heartache, disappointment, jealousy, conflict, and hatred. History is not enough. A bloodline is not enough. The presumed absence of guilt is not enough. Good intentions are not enough. The fear of being alone is not enough. None of those are enough to prevent you from ushering in life's best by way of the people that you allow into your space.

Whether with relatives, friends, or friends who choose to be family, it is both your responsibility and privilege to distinguish which relationships bring you life and which ones diminish it. Once you make that determination, you owe it to yourself to feed healthy relationships and not permit the unhealthy ones to consume you. 

The Golden Rule

You've heard the adage 'treat others the way you want to be treated' countless times. It's the Golden Rule and typically, it is great advice. It is both a normal expectation and an admirable quality to base your consideration of others on how you want to be considered. What happens, though, when how you want to be treated is not equal to how you deserve to be treated?

Relationships are one of the most important aspects of life. In your connections you find support, understanding, healing, love, and essentially, a reflection of yourself. Those who love you make the choice to be a part of your life and include you in theirs. It's a commitment. Even when the love is there, though, if you take that love or the people giving it for granted and ignore their needs and become distant, doubt begins speaking louder than trust. Your loved ones will question if they are in the relationship, or feeling a level of openness and safety all by themselves.

How you feel about yourself impacts how you treat those you love. If you don't think you're deserving of honesty, support, and care then your behavior will reflect that and you will sabotage your relationships and what you need. Rather than lean into your support, because you don't trust it and don't believe you deserve it, you pull back. Without realizing it, you treat your loved ones in the way you think you should be treated and in this instance, it's less than what all of you deserve.

In order to fully understand the sentiment behind treating others the way you would like to be treated you have to also understand how you should be treated. You may know that you don't deserve to be abused, lied to, cheated on, betrayed, or ignored because those are extremes. Those are easy to identify and reject. There are more subtle behaviors that you also don't deserve. You don't deserve to open up to someone and have him/her retreat. You don't deserve to consistently prove yourself trustworthy because of the actions of another. You don't deserve to have to face difficulty alone. You don't deserve to want an embrace and not feel vulnerable enough to ask for or accept one. You don't deserve to feel like you are in a relationship of any kind by yourself and neither does anyone you love.

Emotions can be scary. Depending on others to be there when you need them can be terrifying. Yet imagine how it feels for your significant other, parents, children, siblings, or close friends to have to deal with the normal fears of trusting and letting go combined with your refusal to trust them and let go. When you fully understand, appreciate, value, and love you then, and only then, can you truly understand, appreciate, value and love others.

Loving After

Social media sites are filled with memes and quotes promoting that we only trust ourselves. The logic behind it is that if we don't trust others then we can't be hurt by others. While it's understandable to interpret hurt as a side effect of trust, it is not a wise lifestyle choice. Trusting only self can reduce the likelihood of being hurt by others, but it is a guarantee of a life that is greatly reduced.

We have all been hurt by someone we love yet we are still charged with loving after. Loving after hurt is difficult. Trusting after disappointment is a challenge. We fear those emotions and make it our business to ensure we don't feel them again. Walls come up. Boundaries are set. We do whatever we can to prevent replicating the same scenario. We convince ourselves that we were hurt because we trusted, because we opened up, and because we loved. We conclude that we can prevent future hurt by not trusting, not opening up, and not loving.

One major problem with disconnecting from others is related to how much we trust ourselves. When we are hurt by someone we trust we start the blame game and ultimately, point a finger back at ourselves. This determination not to trust others does not address the negative feelings we develop toward ourselves after having trusted and being betrayed. We tell ourselves lies and since we have sentenced ourselves to isolation, we don't have anyone to build us out of this self-defeatist, detrimental thought pattern. We repeat negative self talk, and the one person we depend on, the one we trust solely, self, cannot be trusted.

We were designed for connection. We rely on relationships for growth, support, and love. Without human connection we remain stagnant, feed ourselves untruths, and become distanced from our purpose. Loved ones bring our lives joy and pick us up when we falter. Loved ones push us when we would rather lie down and sulk. Loved ones remind us of ourselves, especially all of the wonderful qualities that we dismiss or fail to acknowledge. Loved ones help us sift through harmful self talk and rebuild what has been broken. The key is for us is to select the loved ones committed to making the journey of loving after hurt and disappointment one of support, encouragement, and yes, trust.

Space to Walk

On a snowy day, I was walking to my apartment building. It was 25 degrees so I was in a hurry to get inside, but a man and what I assumed were his sons caught my eye. The father and oldest son walked on the shoveled sidewalk. Their path was easy and clear. The youngest son, while going in the same direction, took a different path at his own pace. This little guy choose to walk in the grass. He had to step up higher to get through so he was slightly behind. He ran at times as he kicked through the fluffy snow. It was as if there was no other place he would rather be than on his whimsical walk.

I have this incessant desire to be supportive. If those I love need a word of encouragement or a shoulder to cry on, I want to be "Johnny on the spot." At times, that's appropriate. There are other times, though, when people need space to sift through their feelings. They need to process and listen inwardly in order to develop. At those moments, as much as I want to be right there, I have to love them enough to let them walk in their own space. I have to put my needs—and really, my insecurities and fears—aside and allow them to walk on their own even when I would prefer to walk with them.

We walk through life with others, but even when we're together emotionally, we're not always supposed to be directly side-by-side. We have to give those we love the space to walk. It can be difficult because we fear separation or we want to provide up close and personal support. However, just as the father gave his little boy the joy of walking through the snow, we can give our loved ones the satisfaction of self-reliance just by providing a little bit of space.

Read last week's post, The Spirituality of Natural Gifts.

Power of a Selfie

Technology has altered how we connect, even down to our language. Just a few years ago the word selfie would have conjured up confusion, but now it's a fairly common term. There are countless pictures on social media sites of self-portrait photos and they have an added entertainment value because many of them unintentionally capture something humorous in the background. When the subject of a picture is also the one performing the action of taking the picture, the focus is not on the background. In a selfie, the full setting appears in the end product—the image—even if that isn't the intent. When we focus our attention on ourselves, the impact extends far beyond what we intend and what we can see.

Over the last few years I made a commitment to live honestly. I knew that this commitment would be challenging. When I decided to take a serious look in the mirror my focus was self-improvement so every aspect of my life came into view. It wasn't enough for me to live honestly when it was comfortable and convenient to live honestly. I had to look at the whole setting—the totality of my life. Once I made the appropriate and necessary changes to the areas requiring my immediate attention, my focus extended and I was faced with increasingly difficult choices and many of them involved my relationships.

When I committed to authenticity, my truth impacted those around me. I knew some relationships would be strengthened and others would falter. Instead of placing my attention on the relationships that would not grow as I did, I made a conscious decision to reinforce relationships with those who would support me throughout. After I shifted my focus I felt strong enough to stand with those who would unconditionally stand with me. My decision to live my truth meant recognizing the truth about those around me.

When we improve, we require those around us to make a choice—accept and encourage our growth or long for what was. The mirror we place in front of ourselves also reflects those closest to us. As we pay close attention to what is shown in our reflection, we also see the people around us with improved clarity. Some will live in the truth with us and others will step out of the frame.

Read last week's post, Extend Grace.

Love You Through

I’m not a mother, but there are quite a few children in my life. There are moments when a simple gesture or phrase melts my heart and times when they have emotional meltdowns that send me hiding in my own quiet corner. In both cases—and every situation in between—my love doesn’t waiver. What I feel for them is not dependent on their best or worst. I love them through it.

All of us have struggles and some require years of emotional work and determination to overcome. Few of us feel confident to be genuine with others because we don’t trust that they will love us through the emotional work. We hide behind what we think they want to see or hear. We hide behind smiles and ideas. We live isolated and contrived lives. My challenge to you is to discover those who will love you through and then let them!

The first part of that challenge is not easy. For years I struggled to learn who was going to love me through hardship and who was simply waiting until I crossed the finish line to love me in celebration. I made some mistakes. I trusted words over actions. I gave more weight to what I wanted instead of what I needed. Although I made errors on whom to depend on, I compounded my own difficulty by then loving fearfully instead of freely. I instituted a blanket method of relationship. No matter what individuals had proven, everyone was treated the same. Everyone heard the same response. Everyone received the same smile. I threw everyone at the finish line and pushed myself into running the race alone.

Loving freely requires trust. Trust means being vulnerable, placing your confidence in someone else, and giving up control. Yes, all of that is extremely difficult, but it is no less emotionally taxing than forced loneliness. Maybe you’ve had this vision of who would be standing by your side, loving you through and the ones who have proven themselves aren’t the ones you pictured. Maybe you’ve been so busy chasing who isn’t there that you can’t see who has been standing beside you. Don’t allow the absence of someone cause you to miss the presence of anyone.

I think about the little people in my life. They can have a catastrophic, emotional outburst or get the disciplinary action of their young lives in front of me. Even still, just moments later, no shame nor guilt nor doubt prevents them from jumping in my face, asking me to take them for ice cream, or begging me to play some game. They have the confidence to know that I’ll love them through their outbursts and lapses in judgment. I challenge you to exercise the same level of wisdom by trusting those who have been purposed and have chosen to love you through your doubts, fears, heartaches, and difficulties.

What You Deserve

The way that we treat one another is the result of a combination of factors. In just one relationship there are two people who interpret things differently and will base their actions on how they view the relationship, the significance of the relationship, their histories, and how they feel about themselves. With all of those variables it's no wonder we often misinterpret the actions of others and misunderstand ourselves.

When someone we care for hurts us it leaves an impression. We want to determine if the hurt was intentional or not. We want to know if it will happen again. We also want to know what we did to cause the hurtful word or action. While it's healthy to engage in self-reflection, far too many of us internalize how we're treated in detrimental ways.

A friend of mine recently sent me a gift and I thought it was sweet and considerate of her. Not once did I assume that she took the time to mail me a gift because of a quality I possessed. She sent me a gift because she's considerate. Logical thought process, right? Ironically, when those we care for treat us in a way that is less than desirable, we interpret that situation differently. We don't consider the combination of factors that influence a relationship and we fail to connect the hurt with the other person. Instead, we flirt with notions of self-destructive feedback. How s/he treated me is a reflection on me. If I was mistreated it's because I deserve it. While self-reflection is beneficial, internalizing negativity is dangerous because we make connections with those who justify our perceptions. We seek out relationships that confirm what we think deserve.

Consider your circle. With whom do you spend the majority of your time? How do you feel when they're around? If you have a healthy and responsible sense of self then the people with whom you spend the majority of your time provide you with both affirmations and space to grow. They celebrate your victories yet encourage progress. If your circle is not affirming or encouraging or does not provide you with space to grow then it's time to think about the areas of your life that you seek validation. What you think you deserve is reflected in your relationship choices because you surround yourself with those who validate your impressions. What does your circle reveal concerning what you think you deserve and how you feel about yourself?

Relationship Choices

I share a ridiculous amount of text messages with three people I met in junior high school. When I think about the years that have passed, the life events that have shaped us, and how much we've grown since we carelessly walked the halls of Dwight Rich Middle School, I am touched by the close relationships that we continue to share. As a silly, unaware, needy twelve-year-old, I had no idea that those I met in junior high school would impact my life so intimately so many years later.

There have been countless posts, tweets, and email forwards about people being in our lives for either a reason or a season. While I see some truth in that notion, relationships are not that simplistic. A more accurate conclusion is that we make choices and our choices impact the length, depth, and significance of our relationships.

A few relationships that I assumed would be lifelong have deteriorated and they did so because of a series of actions reflecting decisions we made. We actively participated in the relationship changing or ending. Someone decided not to extend him/herself. Someone decided not to make the investment. Someone decided not to forgive. Someone decided to wait until a later that never came to send that text message, make that phone call, or send that card. Someone decided that the passage of time or the memories created weren’t enough to carry the relationship into the next year. Someone decided that after subtracting the value of history, what was left wasn’t worth the effort it took to maintain the relationship.

What’s the difference between relationships that have deteriorated and those that have grown stronger over the years? Is it only a matter of growing in different directions? Is it simply because people are destined to be in one category or another? While I believe that my friendships are gifts from God, I also believe that my long-term relationships have lasted because we continually make choices. We choose to invest in each other and the emotional health of ourselves. We choose to extend ourselves and be vulnerable. We choose to tell people that they matter and that we care. We choose to send that text, pick up the phone, and send that card. We choose to make those in our lives feel appreciated, thought of, and loved, and we make those choices again and again.

As we approach Thanksgiving, it is the perfect time to not only think of those we are grateful for, but also to share our gratitude with them. I’m not referring to some blanket, generic, public post, either. Tell individuals that they are loved and appreciated. Take the time to share the warmth, goodness, and love you experience from the presence of others. Give thanks to those who make you feel the most thankful. Make the choice to actively maintain your supportive, positive, healthy, and loving relationships.

New Space

Last year I walked away from a regimented life of work and graduate school for a trip around the world. I left routine for wonder. I knew my semester-long journey would change me, but I had no idea it would send my previous life away for good. In addition to reaching the end of a wanderlust lover’s greatest dream, I also had the agonizing task of saying goodbye to my father. None of my life resembled what I left. I had traveled to fourteen countries in four months, but nothing felt as foreign as my return home. Everything was so different that I felt lost in the change. I wondered where I was and who I was in the new space.

Who we are is not where we live, where we work, nor is it solely wrapped up in the people in our lives. Who we are is the internal voice that is present at home, at work, and in the company of loved ones—and not-so-loved ones. We often get so focused on our day-to-day activities that who we are goes unheard. We can be so preoccupied performing roles and playing into expectations that who we are is silenced. Ironically, it is in unchartered territory that we are successful in discovering our most authentic self.

My life didn’t feel familiar, but the comfort of familiarity is the enemy of growth. Wading in the contentment of routine ushers in complacency and erodes motivation. This period of uncertainty and partial seclusion has been uncomfortable, challenging, and difficult, but it has also been freeing, insightful, and inspiring. I once longed for my routine, but I now love my deeper understanding and appreciation of independence. I hoped my relationships would remain the same, yet if they had, I wouldn't have been as grateful for the unexpected sources of support that have become my daily rays of sunshine. I initially wanted to recreate the life I left, but I have grown more driven to produce a life I wouldn’t dream of leaving. My life changes demanded me to change my life. I was never lost in the new space, I simply needed to grow in order to operate in it.

Let Love Lead

Someone I love sent a message that generated a response in me that was a bit smart-mouthed. Honestly, there was nothing ‘a bit’ smart-mouthed about it. The retort was intended to counter the sting that I felt. Before I replied, I took a moment to consider the purpose of sending such a response to someone I loved. Someone whose presence in my life was important to me. Someone with whom I’d shared many laughs and heart-felt discussions. Someone I learned to trust. Although a part of me was amused at the thought of that remark, I had to ask myself a serious question: Where was the love in that response?

It only takes a second for our lives to change. It only takes a single turn for us to walk down a path unintended. It only takes one hurtful comment to start to unravel what took years to build. How we speak to others is an indication of how we value relationships and ultimately, how we value ourselves.

I could have justified sending that comment. I could have used my hurt as an excuse to be careless—even for a second. However, I wanted to my response to come from a loving place, not a cruel place. Instead of sending a hasty, thoughtless message, I considered my friend’s feelings and circumstances. I considered my friend. I realized that she had no intention of offending me. She was simply being honest. More importantly, when I considered my own circumstances, I realized that I was being sensitive. Had I responded prematurely, my intent would have been hurtful and the sentiment I conveyed would have been dishonest. Reflecting rather than reacting taught me a vital lesson: It is imperative to let love lead instead of fleeting, fickle feelings.