Honest View

It doesn't matter how many times I fly, if I am seated next to a window I take at least one picture of the clouds. I consider my view of the world and want to capture it as a reminder of my vision at that moment. On my most recent flight I took a photo and quickly decided it wasn't good enough simply because the wing of the plane snuck into view. As I prepared to take another photo of the same scene, slightly to the right, I asked myself why I needed to recreate the same moment with an unobstructed view. Even with the wing, it was a beautiful sight, yet I judged my picture, something used for reflection, through the critical eye of perfection. How come I couldn't just accept my view honestly and completely?

Digital photography and photo editing makes it hard to detect if what we see is indeed what we get. The adage "pictures don't lie" is no longer true. Pictures lie and then lie some more. We can even edit the photos we take on our phones, from our phones. The problem with this constant need to only broadcast perfection is that it leaves us with the impression that there is no room nor desire for anything else, none of the characteristics that make us unique and none of the things that highlight a certain phase in our lives or given moment in time. Our refusal to see life as it is prevents us from understanding and appreciating where we are, where we've been, and where we are capable of going. Without an authentic look at the present, at best, we will only haphazardly stumble into the future.

Perfection is not what compels your loved ones to love you. Those only interested in a falsified perspective are not worthy of your concern nor your time. Those who do love you, love you because they see you, completely. They love who you are and not some edited image that you portray. Perfection is not the driving force of self-love, either. Self-love is pure and genuine. Self-love is consistent. Self-love is unconditional. However, before you can love yourself you have to see yourself, authentically and without apology. Then, you can let others see you, authentically and without apology. Your life is a beautiful compilation of moments, emotions, and circumstances that deserves to be fully appreciated and recognized in all of its complexity, even when something you didn't anticipate sneaks into the picture.

Not That Special

One of the hardest lessons we learn comes at the hands of others, but we serve as accomplices. It doesn't matter how young we are when that lesson first arrives or how many times it repeats, we are still surprised and hurt when it comes around again, as if history hadn't already whispered, tapped us, then shouted, shoved, and finally thrown a brick at us prior. We promise we will never allow it again...until someone else comes along and we consider ourselves much more special (and less rational) than we should.

Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them." That phrase is both simple and profound. I've used it to validate my choices, evaluate relationships, and protect myself. Yet my validating, evaluating, and protecting self still wanted to be more—more unique, more deserving, and quite frankly, more special than the truth. I believed that someone wouldn't treat me the same way that s/he treats everyone else because our relationship, i.e., me, was special. I thought I was special enough to have a more genuine and loving version of someone who may not have even cared to be more genuine or more loving.

If someone is unkind to others, the day will come when she is unkind to you. If someone is careless with other people's feelings, he will have moments when he is careless with yours. The person who gossips, exaggerates, is inconsiderate, disappoints, lies on, ignores, or is selfish with others doesn't do so because everyone, except you, deserves it. When you hear that first whisper, listen. When you feel that gentle tap, take heed. Don't wait for the shout or the shove—and certainly not the brick—to believe people when they show you who they are.

Quotes and Clichés

I am a fan of inspiring quotes. I enjoy discovering new ways to encourage myself. Quotes are great when they serve their purpose of inspiring positive thinking or positive action, but be careful not to disguise a cliché as a source of encouragement.

What one person considers encouraging may be considered mediocre to someone else. The key is to determine what uplifts or benefits you. What quotes or mantras do you find yourself repeating? Do any of them create action or empowerment within you? Do you find yourself simply repeating quotes that your favorite teacher or the most positive person you know says? Inspiration is personal. Inspiration is tied to internal desires, goals, and personality traits. What one person finds uplifting may simply get a shrug from another. This doesn't indicate simplicity or complication. It merely suggests that we are motivated on a personal level, not a collective one.

Quotes I often hear people say don't motivate me. It doesn't mean they are not inspiring to the people who say them. All it means is that I am not motivated to think or act differently when I hear those particular quotes. This doesn't mean I am without recourse. It is my responsibility to discover my own source of motivation. It is my responsibility to seek out inspiration that truly moves me. Consider the things you say to yourself most often. Are they habitual sayings of no substance? Do you say them to excuse your responsibility? Are you excusing bad behavior or inaction? If your encouraging quotes mirror clichés and have stopped eliciting a response from you maybe it's time for you to find new quotes that are more in line with who you are becoming and how you wish to grow.

Live Your Life

Lately, many of my conversations have centered on my decision to accept a temporary position with Semester At Sea. While most have expressed nothing but excitement, a few have focused on the risk involved with packing up my life, throwing caution to the wind, and walking away from normalcy for four months. A few have heard the news and immediately directed their attention on the uncertainty. Some saw the unknown as something to be feared. I noticed the contrast between how they perceived my situation and how I perceived it, yet I didn’t feel the need to persuade them. It isn’t my responsibility to defend my life; it’s my responsibility to fully live my life.

Everyone will not understand all of your choices. There will be times when you have to exercise faith in your abilities and make decisions based on your judgment. You may make choices that do not line up with the expectations of parents, family members, and friends. Sometimes you’ll even make choices that extend beyond the expectations you had for yourself. Expectations are helpful when they hold us accountable and prevent us from settling, but they are detrimental when they limit our perception and obstruct our view of a larger future. You are not required to defend your life. You are required to fully live it. Those who looked at my future and saw a road to risk and uncertainty were viewing my life through their lenses of fear, intimidation, and confinement. I don’t have to accept or play hostess to the fears and doubts of others and neither do you. Live your life well. That is the best and only defense you need to provide.

Who You Are

Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are believe them.” I typically think of this quote when trying to manage the expectations I have for others. This week, though, Angelou’s words took on a twist. I realized that my behavior also shows who I am and I should believe that as well.

There are several characteristics that we know we have and it is the combination of those characteristics that make us unique. For instance, I know that I enjoy solitude, I love to travel, and I am attracted to intellect and kindness. As a result, my life reflects my preferences. I actively make time for me to be in my own space. I have made traveling a priority and not simply a wish-list. I invest in relationships that mentally and emotionally provide a connection and growth potential. My choices are deliberate because I know who I am.

Some aspects of my character require me to make difficult choices. One has been my decision not to ingest negativity. I do not desire to be in the company of those who bring tension, constant complaints, and refuse to make progress. This decision has dictated that I back away from certain conversations and people. It’s not always easy, but it is necessary. This week I questioned if I was being too harsh until I considered Angelou’s quote. Not only should I believe others when they show me who they are, but I should also believe myself. I made a decision regarding negativity. My actions indicate that my decision is important to me. Refusing to consume negativity is a part of who I am.

What characteristics do you have? What have you done to embrace those traits and make them part of your lifestyle? Remember, your actions show others who you are. More importantly, though, your actions indicate who you are to someone far more significant. You.

Free Your Truth

All of us have had to live with at least one situation that has threatened to break us. It could have been a death, a divorce, an illness, being abandoned by a parent, a physical challenge, physical or sexual abuse, and the list goes on. We have all been shaken by a truth that is harsh, painful, and led us to doubt if we had the strength to endure. The important thing to ask ourselves is how we are living with that truth.

I’ve met quite a few people coping with their truth by refusing to cope. Some cover truth in a cloak of anger or sadness. Others push their truth in a corner and busy themselves with work, their children, or church activities. There are some who are so disturbed by their truth that they reject it. All of these “coping” mechanisms are temporary and will ultimately be met with demise. Truth is not meant to be concealed. That’s why lives are so negatively impacted when people deceive themselves and others. Health issues arise. Bad decisions are made. Relationships suffer. Our truth, as complicated and painful as it may be, is an extension of who we are and when we stifle our truth, we really stifle ourselves.

I am not at all suggesting that the world needs to know what your truth is, but you do. You need to know your truth, acknowledge it, and if it’s something that can and needs to be altered, put in the work to make that happen. If your truth is something a bit more absolute (someone has died, you are dealing with a past trauma, etc.), you still need to acknowledge it in order for you to work—and yes, it is work—through the emotions associated with it. To acknowledge it is not the same as to lie down and take it or to let it rule over you. To acknowledge your truth is to tell yourself, “Yes, this happened, but…” or “Yes, that occurred, and I felt ______, but…” You are the one who can conclude that sentence. You determine the direction your life takes. You decide how much that truth impacts your life. Don’t cover it. Don’t push it in a corner or under a rug. Set your truth free and in turn, you’ll be free.