Thank You

I haven't written a new post in a few weeks and it doesn't feel as unusual or induce the guilt that missing just a single week used to produce. In fact, it feels satisfying and freeing because I have been in a transition. For the last few months, as I would sit down to organize my thoughts, I realized that my voice changed and what I had to say no longer fit within the confines of my 3-4 paragraph format. I began to long for something more than Try-Umph provided.

I appreciate everyone who has been on this journey with me. Try-Umph has seen me through a voyage around the world, the loss of my father, a relocation to Michigan, a deeper appreciation for the growth needed in order to set and stand by healthy boundaries, a relocation to California, and intense gratitude at having the support of others as I experienced those changes. Yet part of me sought more. There were times I wanted to delve deeper, push further, and be more firm. I kept my language and tone soft and supportive when writing posts like News and More Strength when I wanted to spew out a string of words that would make a sailor blush because that's what I felt having to even to write such and get over so much.

Yet I fluctuated between not feeling ready and knowing that this was not the proper venue. I needed to wait for more and prepare for something else. I listened. I waited. I held off. I shared what would be helpful and encouraging, but reserved the rest because I knew more was on the horizon.

Whether you've been reading since 2011 or you've been sporadically checking out Try-Umph, thank you. I couldn't have reached as many people without you. It has been challenging, exciting, rewarding, strengthening, reassuring, and fun to force myself to write something worth sharing over the years and ultimately, to recognize that my life was worth sharing. Keep reading and passing on the posts that resonate with you. Encouragement is timeless and we all need it over and over and over again. 

Continue taking responsibility for your choices and making good ones. Continue believing in your worth and value. Continue intentionally living a life of purpose, love, peace, and triumph. I promise to do the same.

Sincerely,

Myla Denise

Live Up

For more years than I care to admit, I handed the responsibility of my emotional health to others. I desperately wanted to believe that those who told me they loved me were looking out for my best interests. Sadly, my best interests clashed with what they wanted so the direction they were leading me contradicted where I needed to go. It wasn't until I grew strong enough and developed the confidence to trust my judgment that I took responsibility for my emotional health and began to live honestly.

I was one of those kids who hated to be yelled at and punishment was not my friend. I wanted to make the adults in my life happy and people-pleased to a fault. As I grew older, I was no longer at risk of getting into trouble, yet the self-sacrificing behavior continued. I realized it wasn't trouble that I had been avoiding all of those years, but disappointing others. In trying to live according to their expectations, I was holding myself back and failing to live up to the expectations I had for myself.

People tell me to settle down, have children, lower my guard, and relax my boundaries. They rationalize these directives using fear and guilt, but what they are really saying is, "Do what I did," or "Stop living your life in a way that I lacked the confidence to even consider." Instead of internalizing their fears and regrets, I've accepted that my life is not conventional because my heart's desires are not conventional. Instead of trying to fit into the notion of what others believe or want, I've learned to trust my instincts, live fully, and not apologize for it. Working through my fear of disappointing others and ultimately, losing their support has taught me two life-altering, freeing lessons:

• it is much more detrimental to live a life that I find disappointing and
• I will always have the support I need because those who honestly love me will always remain.

Not everyone will comprehend the course of your life. That does not necessarily mean that they wish to see you fail. Some are simply not capable of comprehending your future because it exists in a space that they cannot fathom. Your life choices are yours and you have to live with the consequences in a way that no one else will. Develop the strength and confidence to trust your judgment. When you live honestly, you usher in people who will support and love you honestly, and there is nothing fearful, nor disappointing in that.

Growth

One of the most fascinating things about being an aunt is watching my nieces and nephew grow. I have held them as infants, giggled as they maneuvered their first steps, winced as they got cuts and scrapes from playing outdoors, and laughed with them as they developed more thoughtful senses of humor. At times I miss the days before they were too big and independent for me to scoop them up in my arms, but it brings me joy to witness their growth.

Every single thing that lives is destined for growth. What doesn't grow individually dies or collectively becomes extinct. Physical growth is easier for people to accept because they expect it. When a baby is born, the expectation is for her to develop into a toddler, then a child, then a teenager, and finally, an adult. The expectation is for her to grow taller, stronger, and more independent. What is the expectation, though, after? What happens to the expectation of growth in adults?

The measure of an adult is attached to responsibility. On the surface, growth is evidenced by building a family and a career with pay raises and title changes. Adulthood comes with countless lessons, but because we are no longer measuring height changes or advancing in school each year, after we start a family and a career, we unfortunately expect stagnation.

Being an adult is more than building externally. Structures cannot stand if all of the attention is placed on their exterior. The foundation must be solid. The interior must be strong enough to support the weight of the structure itself, but also the impact of age and the stress of external forces. For that reason, as adults, our most important area of growth is internal.

Maybe the conversations and activities that once entertained or sustained you are becoming mundane. Maybe you realized that those who support you only provide support on conditions. Maybe where you are professionally does not provide the same satisfaction or excitement that it did initially. Maybe your life plan, including the people in it, needs an adjustment or an overhaul. Your first responsibility, as an adult, is to pay attention. Listen to those internal bells and alarms that indicate a need for change. Next, be strong enough, responsible enough, and adult enough to accept and grow into who you are becoming from within.

Interpretations

Last week someone asked me if I’d ever been married. When I responded that I hadn’t he asked, “What’s wrong with you?” A few replies went through my mind, most not appropriate to share. Instead of whipping out a sharp retort, I laughed. While I found it an insensitive question, snapping at him would have confirmed what he thought—that something was wrong with me—and may have revealed that I believed it. I decided not to take his interpretation of my life as my own. He chose to view my being single as an indication of a deficiency or error, I did not.

We have all used the words and actions of others as an excuse to confirm what we believe about ourselves. It was easy for me not to latch onto the negativity associated with my relationship status because I genuinely do not believe anything is wrong with me being single. I have not met anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not a fault, just a fact. However, it’s not so simple with other areas of my life.

Living through the lens of an adult survivor of child abuse, there are days when I interpret how someone else treats me as confirmation of what I deserve. As a child, instead of considering that I was abused because others had a problem, I internalized the negative treatment. Over the years, I've used it to confirm an extremely destructive thought—I deserve it. When someone said or did something harmful or hurtful, I would tap right back into that “logic” and use it as proof that I deserve to be mistreated.

Your reactions to the words and behaviors of others are a reflection of what you think of yourself. When someone does or says something that you deem to be negative, intentionally consider what you will do with that information before you digest it. Without making a conscious decision to reject it, you will more than likely accept it as truth. Do not take ownership of someone else’s behavior. While you are responsible for who you allow into your life and what significance they hold, you cannot control their actions. S/he didn’t cheat on you because you deserve infidelity. You weren’t neglected because you deserve neglect. You weren’t talked down to because you're worthless. Do not use other people’s choices to confirm and strengthen negative self-talk. When you know the truth—that you deserve respect, care, attention, and love—you can interpret your place in the world honestly and with clarity.

What You Deserve

All of us have experienced hurt at the hands of someone else. Hurt could have resulted from a harsh comment, a betrayal, a refusal to be an advocate, or even an assault. Often times, we can rationalize that we were hurt because someone else made the decision to be hurtful. Yet even when we are aware that the hurt we experienced was unwarranted or undeserved, instead of rejecting the negativity, we ingest it. What we know is in direct conflict with what we feel.

For years I hoarded the hurt that others inflicted. I told myself repeatedly that what I experienced wasn't my fault, but I still managed to believe that something within me led others to treat me with less than kindness. The only rationale that made sense was that I brought something out in others and that the problem was internal, not external. Digesting the negativity of others further complicated my healing process. I had to learn to work through my pain without being consumed by it.

In last week's post on personal loyalty, you learned that you are not required to live out affinities inherited from any aspect of your past. Just as you can actively choose to pursue new loyalties, you are not required to carry the negativity that others have presented to you. If you had an overly critical or under engaged parent, that isn't a reflection of you. If you have had an unfaithful partner or partners, that isn't an indication of your worth. If your neighbor, employer, child, spouse, or even a stranger is unkind to you that doesn't mean you deserve cruelty. When you are mistreated or simply not fully appreciated, it is not your responsibility to take ownership of the blame for the abuse or neglect.

Taking responsibility for being abused or neglected is accepting that you are the reason it happens or that you deserve it. Over time, you seek out and are attracted to those who confirm your belief and the establishment of a pattern perpetuates what you feel about yourself. Instead of evaluating why you are drawn to certain personality types, you believe that you are being treated in hurtful ways because you deserve to be hurt. You do not deserve to be hurt! You are not required to live your life accepting hurt. You are not bound by the characteristics that the actions of others may suggest. While what you allow to remain in your life may be in question, what you deserve has never been.

Personal Loyalty

At eighteen-years-old I left for college and started learning about myself in ways that I didn't anticipate. One such lesson came as I paid more attention to my grocery shopping habits. While getting things like toothpaste and dishwashing detergent I was immediately drawn to certain brands. I became interested in the reasoning behind my automatic choices, but the only answer I came up with was that I bought what was familiar to me. I had no personal loyalty to any of the brands I chose beyond mirroring my parents' shopping habits.

Thinking of my imposed brand loyalty led me to consider my choices outside of the grocery store. If I'd been willing to purchase household items solely because it's what my parents bought, what other decisions had I surrendered? What other areas of my life had I let the past choose for me? What else was I loyal to without even realizing it?

 

Your childhood experiences greatly influence how you live as an adult. Fortunately, you have the option to repeat or repel and learn from your past. As you create normalcy for yourself, your partner, and/or your child(ren), it is wise to consider what types of loyalties are influencing your behavior.

You may have grown up in a balanced, healthy environment. In that circumstance, recreating as much of the positivity you experienced is ideal. For most, though, there are portions of your experiences that will require a bit more work. Having a parent who expressed more criticism than concern does not mean that you are destined to be in relationships with critical people. Make another choice. A parent leaving does not dictate that you will always be in relationships with unavailable people. Make another choice. An abusive past does not equate to an abusive future. Make another choice.

You have the option and responsibility to exercise loyalty to characteristics, actions, and people who make you feel the most supported, cared for, and loved. You no longer have to be loyal to what someone else selected for you. You now have the power to choose. Replace mindless, repetitive choices with intentional ones. You cannot control what has already happened, but you can positively shape your future by developing and strengthening personal loyalties that are most beneficial to you and for you.

Benefits of Independence

One of my favorite characteristics is independence. Independence frees us from the ties associated with depending on the external world to provide some of the very same things we can provide for ourselves. However, being independent does not suggest an existence that is void of relationship. Independence has made me even more grateful for my relationships. I am not relying on others for the things I should provide for myself which makes me a much better daughter/sister/friend. It is because I am independent that my relationships are healthy and purposeful.

I’ve never quite understood people not being able to function without the presence of someone else—particularly when the character of the ‘someone else’ does not seem to matter. I’ve seen so many enter or remain in relationships that are unhealthy and unfulfilling simply because of the assumption that having someone is better than having no one. Witnessing these relationship train wrecks make me appreciate knowing that a negative somebody is far worse than having nobody.

Being independent frees you from engaging in discouraging, harmful, and destructive relationships. When you discover your independence you realize that you are able to function—and function quite well—without negative people or people who encourage the negative in you. People who do not support your development only add to your relationship roster and not to your life.

When I say I’m independent it doesn’t mean I don’t need people. It doesn’t suggest that my friends aren’t important to me. It doesn’t imply that I think people are replaceable. I am able to be independent partly because of the loving, positive, and encouraging people supporting me. Independence means that I take responsibility for my development and emotional health. Independence means that I am accountable for the choices that I make. Independence means that I am sensible about the company that I keep because those who are in my life have a purpose and add value to my life.

Live Your Life

Lately, many of my conversations have centered on my decision to accept a temporary position with Semester At Sea. While most have expressed nothing but excitement, a few have focused on the risk involved with packing up my life, throwing caution to the wind, and walking away from normalcy for four months. A few have heard the news and immediately directed their attention on the uncertainty. Some saw the unknown as something to be feared. I noticed the contrast between how they perceived my situation and how I perceived it, yet I didn’t feel the need to persuade them. It isn’t my responsibility to defend my life; it’s my responsibility to fully live my life.

Everyone will not understand all of your choices. There will be times when you have to exercise faith in your abilities and make decisions based on your judgment. You may make choices that do not line up with the expectations of parents, family members, and friends. Sometimes you’ll even make choices that extend beyond the expectations you had for yourself. Expectations are helpful when they hold us accountable and prevent us from settling, but they are detrimental when they limit our perception and obstruct our view of a larger future. You are not required to defend your life. You are required to fully live it. Those who looked at my future and saw a road to risk and uncertainty were viewing my life through their lenses of fear, intimidation, and confinement. I don’t have to accept or play hostess to the fears and doubts of others and neither do you. Live your life well. That is the best and only defense you need to provide.