Change from Pain

There was a time when I hoarded hurt. Depending on the day, I either convinced myself not to bother anyone with it or that I couldn't trust anyone with it. The truth was that I didn't feel strong enough to deal with it. I didn't feel strong enough to share, open up, trust, be vulnerable, nor approach the healing process. Eventually, the combination of the pain and self-inflicted isolation demanded more of me. I needed to stop hoarding hurt and start healing.

Hurt is a part of life that we all experience. The sources vary, but all hurt leads us to change. Some become hardened and refuse to feel or connect with others. Some become fragile and develop an inability to cope with day-to-day stress. Most of us land somewhere in the middle. We have a tough exterior and a soft center. We ignore how we feel until it becomes undeniable and we distract ourselves in the lives of others.

The hurt that you have experienced has changed you. It may have made you more cautious or intentional about the people you allow in your life. Maybe it has led you to be externally focused in giving to others or by feeding on the negativity of others. Maybe your hurt has led you to be brutally honest with everyone but self. Or maybe you avoid being truthful and free. It's possible that you aren't exactly sure how your hurt has changed you.

When you experienced neglect, disappointment, betrayal, a health challenge, loss, and/or trauma, it impacted your personality. It altered how you handled relationships. It shifted your outlook and perception. You may interpret that to mean a negative change or one that has made you somehow less of who you were prior. That does not have to be true.

Not every change resulting from pain has to be detrimental. Pain can lead you to be more considerate of others. Pain can encourage you to focus less time on superficial interactions so that you can engage in deeper, more meaningful relationships. Pain can lead you to living more honestly and freely. In order to move forward, pain demands more of you. Working through it will show you just how powerful, resilient, and strong you are. You may not always have control of the hurt that enters your life, but you can determine how that hurt will impact your life. The only thing more tragic than the pain that you have already endured would be to give your pain the power that was intended for you.

What You Deserve

All of us have experienced hurt at the hands of someone else. Hurt could have resulted from a harsh comment, a betrayal, a refusal to be an advocate, or even an assault. Often times, we can rationalize that we were hurt because someone else made the decision to be hurtful. Yet even when we are aware that the hurt we experienced was unwarranted or undeserved, instead of rejecting the negativity, we ingest it. What we know is in direct conflict with what we feel.

For years I hoarded the hurt that others inflicted. I told myself repeatedly that what I experienced wasn't my fault, but I still managed to believe that something within me led others to treat me with less than kindness. The only rationale that made sense was that I brought something out in others and that the problem was internal, not external. Digesting the negativity of others further complicated my healing process. I had to learn to work through my pain without being consumed by it.

In last week's post on personal loyalty, you learned that you are not required to live out affinities inherited from any aspect of your past. Just as you can actively choose to pursue new loyalties, you are not required to carry the negativity that others have presented to you. If you had an overly critical or under engaged parent, that isn't a reflection of you. If you have had an unfaithful partner or partners, that isn't an indication of your worth. If your neighbor, employer, child, spouse, or even a stranger is unkind to you that doesn't mean you deserve cruelty. When you are mistreated or simply not fully appreciated, it is not your responsibility to take ownership of the blame for the abuse or neglect.

Taking responsibility for being abused or neglected is accepting that you are the reason it happens or that you deserve it. Over time, you seek out and are attracted to those who confirm your belief and the establishment of a pattern perpetuates what you feel about yourself. Instead of evaluating why you are drawn to certain personality types, you believe that you are being treated in hurtful ways because you deserve to be hurt. You do not deserve to be hurt! You are not required to live your life accepting hurt. You are not bound by the characteristics that the actions of others may suggest. While what you allow to remain in your life may be in question, what you deserve has never been.