A Moment

Birds are distinguishable to most by their ability to fly. When we see a feathered and beaked animal walking in the grass or swimming on a pond, it never crosses our minds that because it isn't flying at the time it isn't a bird. We accept that its behavior at any given moment does not change what it is. Unfortunately, we don't give ourselves the same courtesy. Instead, we convince ourselves that we are somehow less than because of an assessment made at a moment in time, a moment purposefully chosen to confirm what we believe.

We have certain characteristics that we accept as our own. For example, we may identify with being strong, kind, intelligent, and creative. Yet there are moments when we feel less than strong, unworthy of being considered kind, far from intelligent, and uninspired. Situations can temporarily deplete us so we have bouts with emotions that leave us to question if we are truly made up of the characteristics that we've attached ourselves to or have accepted. However, feeling anything temporarily—sadness, impatience, dependence, etc.—does not equate to permanence. Who are you is determined by more than your feelings and actions at a random moment in time, especially when the moment you have selected to assess yourself is one where you feel furthest from your center.

A moment of weakness does not make you weak. A creativity block does not make you unimaginative. A crack in your armor does not make you less of a fighter. Your feelings and how you express them at any given moment does not change who you are. Your thoughts and actions at any given moment do not change who you are. Even when you feel needy, cranky, selfish, whiny, or weak, you are made up of more. All moments, your best, your worst, and your everyday make you intricate and complex, always beautiful, always growing, and always evolving.

Accountability Partners

Someone I trust asked me a series of questions that left me tense and emotional. Her questions demanded more of me than most. She did not allow me to get away with what others do. My trust in her gave her the freedom to ask more of me and my commitment to personal development led me to fully engage in the conversation rather than retreat. 

One of the greatest benefits of relationships is obtaining accountability partners. In addition to being sources of encouragement, accountability partners guide us through phases of introspection, personal development, and emotional growth. Sadly, we have been told by others, taught by past hurts, or a combination of the two that we should not or cannot be vulnerable enough for an accountability partner. When asked about our dreams we allow insecurity to answer for us. When asked about our hopes we provide shallow explanations. When given the chance to be vulnerable we shut down. When insecurity answers for us, we cannot be truthful. When we only provide shallow explanations, we don't explore the deepest, most authentic parts of ourselves. When we shut down, we don't experience the beauty of trust. We prevent ourselves from the most meaningful aspects of relationships and from discovering the most powerful parts of ourselves.

The conversation I mentioned was uncomfortable. I didn't like how I felt nor did I like feeling that way in front of someone else. Yet I needed to experience it. My undeniable discomfort provided me with an awareness that I would not have discovered on my own. It took someone else—someone that I trust and someone with the strength to hold me accountable—to illustrate an area of my life that requires more of me, more conversation, more attention, and more work. 

Accountability partners are essential to your personal development and emotional growth. If you have been told or taught that you can't be vulnerable, learn a new lesson. If your insecurities speak louder than you do, strengthen your voice. If you have been too afraid to move beyond shallow conversation, push yourself to discover the deep end. If you have always shut down, it's time to open up. Don't miss out on one of the greatest benefits of human connection because of habit, temporary discomfort, and fear.

These Are the Times

Considering the end of the year approaching, I wanted to write something extra this week. I wanted to write something that was so positive that everyone who read it would leave feeling fully encouraged. I wanted to write a post that readers could tell their friends, "You have to see this!" I wanted to write a great message in preparation for the new year. However, if I'm being honest, 2014 knocked the wind out of me. Sure, there have been wonderfully fabulous times. I visited beautiful cities with the beautiful people with whom I share my life. I have grown stronger. I told my story publicly without turning into an emotional wreck. I have laughed loudly, eaten well, loved hard, and been extremely grateful. Still, this year has been a force. As I stare at this blinking cursor, I wonder where I will find enough encouragement and sunshine to share while I am yet trying to catch my breath.

In a dream world, when a new year starts, all that plagued you in the past ends. You hit a magic reset button with the flip of the calendar. This is life, though, and there is no reset button. Difficulty and uncertainty will try to cuddle up next to you and make themselves at home. Circumstances and challenges don't care about your resolutions or promises to get it right this time. Life is not interested in making you comfortable. Life is instead always leading you—leading you to become more than you imagine, with greater purpose than you believe, and with more love than you feel you deserve. For that reason, these times of uncertainty aren't intended to rock your foundation so hard that you give up. These are the times that rebuild that foundation and help you discover the truth. These are the times when you step out of the comfort of where and who you've always been and step closer to where and who you are destined to become. These are the times you evolve.

Even with all that you have to be grateful for, maybe you feel like this year, or even the last few years, have knocked the wind out of you. Maybe you discovered that someone who said s/he would always support you had conditions on that support. Maybe someone you love became ill or passed away. Maybe your sense of security or safety was shaken by a job loss or traumatic event. In either circumstance(s), these are the times when you rebuild your foundation. These are the times when you discover and affirm your truth. These are the times when you step out of what was and up toward who you were destined to become. These are the times when you catch your breath and take that first step.

Growth

One of the most fascinating things about being an aunt is watching my nieces and nephew grow. I have held them as infants, giggled as they maneuvered their first steps, winced as they got cuts and scrapes from playing outdoors, and laughed with them as they developed more thoughtful senses of humor. At times I miss the days before they were too big and independent for me to scoop them up in my arms, but it brings me joy to witness their growth.

Every single thing that lives is destined for growth. What doesn't grow individually dies or collectively becomes extinct. Physical growth is easier for people to accept because they expect it. When a baby is born, the expectation is for her to develop into a toddler, then a child, then a teenager, and finally, an adult. The expectation is for her to grow taller, stronger, and more independent. What is the expectation, though, after? What happens to the expectation of growth in adults?

The measure of an adult is attached to responsibility. On the surface, growth is evidenced by building a family and a career with pay raises and title changes. Adulthood comes with countless lessons, but because we are no longer measuring height changes or advancing in school each year, after we start a family and a career, we unfortunately expect stagnation.

Being an adult is more than building externally. Structures cannot stand if all of the attention is placed on their exterior. The foundation must be solid. The interior must be strong enough to support the weight of the structure itself, but also the impact of age and the stress of external forces. For that reason, as adults, our most important area of growth is internal.

Maybe the conversations and activities that once entertained or sustained you are becoming mundane. Maybe you realized that those who support you only provide support on conditions. Maybe where you are professionally does not provide the same satisfaction or excitement that it did initially. Maybe your life plan, including the people in it, needs an adjustment or an overhaul. Your first responsibility, as an adult, is to pay attention. Listen to those internal bells and alarms that indicate a need for change. Next, be strong enough, responsible enough, and adult enough to accept and grow into who you are becoming from within.

The Walkway

On a recent trip to the airport I witnessed a toddler less than excited about his day. He cried as the family received boarding passes. He cried as the family went through security. He cried as the family walked between concourses. His last fit amused me as it was a representation of the way that many go through life. He stood on a moving walkway, facing the opposite direction while repeatedly screaming, "I don't want to go!"

Life can be difficult, but in the difficulty exists opportunities to grow into larger, fuller versions of ourselves. At the time that these types of situations arrive it's not comfortable or desired. We feel that life is conspiring against us and go through periods of denial, anger, grief, confusion, and sadness. However, we always have a choice. We can choose to focus on classifying situations as fair or unfair, consequence or punishment, or we can choose to invest in our lives and use challenges to extend into more than we imagined. We can stretch ourselves, trust our inner circle, discover the source of our peace, and learn just how strong we are when we need strength most.

Maybe you are in the middle of one of those situations, one leading you to question everything and trust nothing. Maybe you feel like you are being tested in every area of your life or you are facing difficulty in one area with such intensity that you can't imagine an end or even relief. Whether you decide to turn your attention toward growth or turn your back on it and scream all the way, life will react much like that moving walkway the unhappy toddler was on—life will guide you toward the best version of yourself. You can turn away, close your eyes, scream, or even run in the opposite direction, but life will continue to take you toward achieving your best self. Use your energy to walk in the direction of your best self, not against it.

Read last week's post, Need Evolution.

Big Enough

Amusement parks are filled with energy. Kids and kids-at-heart are excited as they play games, eat confections, and of course, ride roller coasters. Amusement parks also breed anxiety, disappointment, and tears. Many of the kids are at the awkward stage of not being tall enough for certain rides. Adults know that the child who is just inches too short will get to experience terrified bliss soon enough, but all that child cares about is that moment. Safety reasons or not, all that child wants is to be big enough right now! As we get older, we grow taller, but we have the same mentality. Even when it's for our own good, we never want to hear that we aren't big enough—mentally or emotionally—for anything.

As a teenager, I was well aware that I was expected to go to college, earn a living, get married, and have children. I also knew that there were levels to achieving each goal. Aspects of that plan would reveal themselves in their proper time. Much like at an amusement park, I needed to grow before I could experience certain facets of life. I needed to create a pattern of wise decisions so that I could learn to trust myself. I needed to discover the difference between those committed to walk with me and those who would simply walk. I needed to understand what kind of person I wanted to grow into and focus my energy working in that direction. Having awareness of expectations or desired outcomes is not the same as being ready for those expectations or outcomes. Awareness is not an indication of a timetable—it is intended to give guidance and focus. 

You may feel that you've been standing in line, waiting to be measured or prepared to prove that you are big enough for the ride. Perhaps you feel ready to start that business or handle the responsibilities of a promotion. Maybe you wonder why you're not someone's spouse by now or not living in that dream home or in the life you envisioned years ago. You might have developed frustration and impatience as you look at others enjoying the park and riding everything that you've been waiting to experience. Don't get lost in comparisons and watching others. Your life will unfold in a time that is most appropriate and best for you. Tomorrow's outcome will be a reflection of choices and decisions you've made today so create a pattern of wise decisions to help you learn to trust yourself, discover who walks with you, and understand who you are growing into so your actions reflect your direction. When the time comes for you to stand up and be measured, you'll be confident that you are indeed big enough for the ride designed specifically for you.

The Challenge

Most days I wake up jovial. I wake up thankful to see another day so I view everything else as extra. The sun rise is extra. The roof over my head is extra. The clothes to choose from, job to go to, good morning text messages—all extra. There are other days that require more effort. I am still grateful, but in the midst of my gratitude something else tugs on me. Years ago I ignored the tugging. I ignored it because I felt guilty for being anything less than grateful. Yet it didn’t stop tugging, or go hide in a corner, or quietly leave the room. It would sit there tapping its foot, folding and unfolding its arms, impatiently waiting me out. I would try to cover it with more declarations of gratitude and it would clear its throat, shift its weight and eventually, throw a chair across the room and knock me over.

For many years I struggled with the concept of conflicting emotions. I thought it was impossible for me to be grateful and feel sad or be strong, but have bouts with weakness. As you can imagine, this didn’t bring me genuine gratitude or true strength. I was more confused than grateful and more oblivious than strong. I was defenseless because I couldn’t fight what I failed to acknowledge. I had to learn that a scuffle with sadness or weakness did not negate my being optimistic and strong. An occasional struggle is not a reflection of character—how you handle your struggle is a reflection of character.

Here’s the awesome part. I felt the tug of sadness and discontent because I had grown. I was more conscious of the instability and could no longer ignore what had been in my space the entire time. Previously I was not perceptive enough to sense its presence. As I grew, my level of awareness increased. The more I matured, the more I could discern sadness until finally, it felt large enough to knock me over. My sadness wasn’t growing, though, I was.

You face new challenges as you grow because your emotional state becomes more sensitive to instability. Whether your primary challenge is sadness, anger, disappointment, loneliness, grief, guilt, shame, or fear, as you grow, it will become impossible for you to ignore it. Over time what was a quiet nagging will start to ring in your ears. What was once slightly annoying will become intolerable. That’s the bad news. The good news, though, is that your challenge isn’t growing, you are. You are the one that is getting stronger. You are the one that has more influence. You are the one that will have the last word. Appreciate the growth. Stand up to the challenge. It is time.