Prove Them Wrong

Last week I attended a college basketball game. Early in the first half, a point guard from the visiting team attempted a long-range shot. In addition to it being highly contested, he miscalculated and the ball missed the entire rim. Fans of the home team immediately yelled, "Air ball! Air ball! Air ball!" For the remainder of the game, any time he touched the ball, no matter where he was on the court and whether he was in position to shoot or not, the crowd erupted in a chorus of, "Air ball! Air ball! Air ball!"

This collective attempt to distract players is normal in sports and can be extremely effective. Without proper coaching, focus, and confidence, a well guarded shot or simple miscalculation can impact a player's performance for the duration of a game. Experienced players master tuning out distractions, regardless of how noisy, relentless, and personal they become.

You may feel as if life is a lot like those fans. The shots you've taken may have been highly contested, miscalculated, or a combination of both, and each time you try again, life reminds you of your air ball moments. As soon as you build enough courage to go back out there, someone—at times, even you—is screaming what you perceive to be your worst moments and attributes. Quitter! Dropout! Unemployable! Divorced! Damaged! Victim! Abandoned! Convict! Angry! Depressed! Broken! Failure! Worthless! Unlovable!

How do you quiet the yelling? How can you make progress when you are continuously reminded of your worst? How do you stop the yelling when you believe it more than anyone else? You quiet the yelling with action. You make progress by focusing on one play, one task, one goal at a time. You stop believing the yelling by remaining engaged with and committed to improving your life, for life. 

Your goals may have been contested. Try again. You may have taken some incredibly wild shots. Own that and learn from it. But never, ever, ever, ever give up. Unlike with a game, your refusal to show up will not stop the hate-filled, destructive mantras. When you no longer try, you concede and behave in ways that confirm the worst of what you think of yourself. Instead of confirming the taunts, prove them wrong.

As for that particular game, the player who threw that errant shot remained present and a valuable member of his team. By the end of the game he was the third leading scorer and more importantly, his team won. He didn't allow ridicule to stop him and you don't have to let life's ridicule and reminders to stop you. Get back out there and prove them wrong.

A Moment

Birds are distinguishable to most by their ability to fly. When we see a feathered and beaked animal walking in the grass or swimming on a pond, it never crosses our minds that because it isn't flying at the time it isn't a bird. We accept that its behavior at any given moment does not change what it is. Unfortunately, we don't give ourselves the same courtesy. Instead, we convince ourselves that we are somehow less than because of an assessment made at a moment in time, a moment purposefully chosen to confirm what we believe.

We have certain characteristics that we accept as our own. For example, we may identify with being strong, kind, intelligent, and creative. Yet there are moments when we feel less than strong, unworthy of being considered kind, far from intelligent, and uninspired. Situations can temporarily deplete us so we have bouts with emotions that leave us to question if we are truly made up of the characteristics that we've attached ourselves to or have accepted. However, feeling anything temporarily—sadness, impatience, dependence, etc.—does not equate to permanence. Who are you is determined by more than your feelings and actions at a random moment in time, especially when the moment you have selected to assess yourself is one where you feel furthest from your center.

A moment of weakness does not make you weak. A creativity block does not make you unimaginative. A crack in your armor does not make you less of a fighter. Your feelings and how you express them at any given moment does not change who you are. Your thoughts and actions at any given moment do not change who you are. Even when you feel needy, cranky, selfish, whiny, or weak, you are made up of more. All moments, your best, your worst, and your everyday make you intricate and complex, always beautiful, always growing, and always evolving.

What Do You Believe?

Opinions constantly infiltrate our lives. They are stated, written, repeated, shared, misinterpreted, and repeated again. Opinions can be constructive, positive, and destructive. Opinions are offered on what we wear, what we buy, where we live, how we live, and even about our character. We certainly have emotional reactions upon hearing the opinions of others, especially those we have a personal relationship with, but opinions are only allowed to make an impact if we believe them.

You may have heard that you’re inadequate. Someone may have said you’re not attractive enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, etc. While hearing unkindness hurts, you are still faced with the decision to either believe the criticism or disregard it. Words don’t penetrate your soul unless you believe them to be true. What you believe about yourself is far more important and carries much greater consequences than what others say about you.

In addition to giving weight to the opinions of others, you also hold opinions of yourself based on history. Experience can speak much louder than words. Your past may have taught you to believe that you are insufficient, illegitimate, or unworthy, and caused you to trust in those falsehoods. Whether you encountered child abuse, neglect, abandonment, or abusive adult friendships/relationships, you are more than how you’ve been treated. What you believe about yourself needs to be developed internally, based on the truth.

The truth is you are more than what others have said to and about you. You are more than any err in judgment or shortcoming. You are more than how others have treated you. You are more than your past. You are more than your circumstances. You are simply more. It's time for you believe it.

Esteem Yourself

Self-esteem is fairly simple to define, yet complicated to apply. It is essentially the manner that we consider ourselves. It is an assessment of our worth. Sadly, many people relinquish undue leverage to just one aspect of their lives when evaluating their value and allow external entities to adversely influence what should be generated internally.

We typically give one or two glaring aspects of ourselves too much weight when considering how we esteem ourselves. To illustrate, think of how many people attribute a sense of worth based on their outward appearance. Physical characteristics tend to carry heavy precedence over how we think of ourselves. If you believe you are physically inadequate or that you don’t measure up to some arbitrary standard of beauty, you may use that as justification to regard yourself as less. Less what? Less deserving, less desirable, less valuable, less worthy. Whether you are short or tall, full-figured or thin, have long or short hair, it doesn’t deem you to be less anything. You matter. You have worth. Your value is not solely tied to one aspect of who you are. Your physical traits are merely a part of you and they aren’t even the most valuable part.

The way you look doesn’t reveal anything about how kind, loving, or generous you are. It doesn’t reveal whether or not you are a good listener, friend, or caregiver. It says nothing about your sense of humor, tolerance, or compassion. Your physical attributes cannot be the totality of your source of self-esteem just as none of your personality traits can cancel out the others. You are a complete person and how you view yourself should be based on a complete picture. Don’t lessen how much you esteem yourself by dismissing or minimizing all of the amazing qualities that define you.

Equally damaging as it is to consider your worth solely on the way you look—or any other single characteristic—it is detrimental for you to give someone or something else the power to dictate how you value yourself. Maybe someone made comments that confirmed your own insecurities. Maybe your family has jokingly teased you for years about something that has made you caused you to become self-conscious. Maybe you were mistreated or abused. Either of these scenarios can lead you to carry a low sense of self-worth. However, you are capable of a mental alteration. If you find yourself replaying hurtful statements made by others, try replacing those hurtful statements with the truth, not their truth. If painful memories have you convinced that you are worthless, consider the possibility that you survived for a purpose. People with a purpose aren’t worthless, and if you are still living, you have purpose.

The value you place on your life will influence your decision-making and eventually determine the course of your life. It’s entirely too important for you to base your assessment of yourself on one aspect of your life. When considering your worth, consider your life in it’s entirety—not just your physical traits, a major regret, or even a series of bad choices. Your life adds up to more. You are more. Your self-esteem is too pivotal to be left in the hands of others or to be surrendered to your past. Give yourself the consideration you deserve. You are so worth it.