Unlearn

One of the most gratifying moments in the life of a parent—or proud aunt—is hearing a child read for the first time. Learning to read will remain with that child for life and open a world previously inaccessible. There are other lessons we learn that impact the way we view the world and ourselves. Like reading, these lessons can shape the way we experience life. While they can be as influential as learning to read, not all lessons are positive or true. For that reason, some of the most important lessons are the ones we unlearn.

I spent a significant part of my adolescence in church. There were morning services, afternoon services, Bible studies, rehearsals, special events, and social gatherings. I credit my church upbringing with giving me a sense of community, teaching me to trust and have faith, and introducing me to values. However, according to those same teachings, what I heard every Sunday was the only truth, judgment was justified when it was collective, and pursuing an afterlife was more important than living this one. As I traveled the world and heard the teachings of global spiritual leaders, my mind shifted. I realized that I wanted a life more than a lifestyle. It led me on a journey that expanded my idea of community and taught me that my values weren’t attached to words on a page. I recognized that the teachings I heard did not hold the only truths in this world. I rejected the notion that I could judge others, or stand by and condone judgment by my presence. I grew the moment I unlearned what was detrimental to me becoming authentic, free, and whole.

You may have been taught that diversity should be feared or regarded as less. Unlearn it. You may have learned that asking questions is a sign of distrust or disrespect. Unlearn it. Maybe you were told that you weren’t enough. Unlearn it. Perhaps you were taught that no one with your last name, skin tone, or from your neighborhood could do what you dream. Unlearn it. It’s possible that experiences taught you that you weren’t powerful, had no worth, or that you deserved every negative encounter that entered your life. Unlearn it. You are indeed powerful. You do have worth. You deserve peace, joy, and love. Whatever you’ve been taught that has been weighing you down, holding you back, and stifling your life, set it free.

Work Through Your Fears

Fight fear instead of running from it.

Every October there is an abundance of movies, activities, and products designed to elicit fear. For nearly a month we are treated with countless opportunities to be scared. We can sit in a theater and test our nerves for 120 minutes. We can nervously walk through haunted houses, laughing at our friends for screaming like children and hoping they don't hear us when we do the same. Fear is a multibillion dollar industry.

Outside of entertainment, fear is most often a deterrent. When we're afraid we run. We create as much distance as possible between ourselves and whatever is causing us to be scared. However, there are times when what we fear most is exactly what we need to embrace.

I spent a significant amount of energy investing in an unrestrained lifestyle. I took pride in having the ability to travel—and at times relocate—whenever I wanted. My understanding of living liberated was limited. Freedom is complex, though. It is not simply the ability to have choices. It is not merely the absence of commitment. While I was able to hop on planes and rack up passport stamps, I was also avoiding, hoarding, and hiding.

What I needed most was what I feared most. I needed to stop avoiding setting healthy boundaries. I needed to stop hoarding my hurt. I needed to stop hiding behind my smiles. Before I could be free I had to experience safety, something I lost long ago. Feeling safe required me to expose all that I had been avoiding, hoarding, and hiding. My freedom was directly tied to my greatest fear. I needed to trust so that I could learn to feel safe because without feeling safe I couldn't be free.

What do you desire most for your life? Happiness? Love? Peace? Freedom? Your greatest desire is connected to your greatest fear. It will stretch your mental strength, test your emotional intelligence, and challenge everything you know. When you work through your fear—and it is work—you will discover a better, stronger, and fuller you. You will find yourself as you were created and intended to be, living the life you desire most.

Read last week's post, Change the Message.

Vulnerability

I am not afraid of much. I embrace change. I have lived in more states than some visit. I have kayaked during a deluge, zip lined over a rain forest, and hiked down a mountain after dark. There is something, however, that can make my heart race, cause me to break out into a sweat, and turn my stomach. The physiological response I get from the mere thought of it has influenced my relationships and halted my growth. I would rather jump out of an airplane or ride in a race car during the Indy 500 than be vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is frightening. Sharing your life and experiences makes you feel as if you’ve handed over an arsenal of how to hurt you in the worst way imaginable. The thought of being emotionally open with others releases a floodgate of tormenting questions. Will they use this information against me? Will they share it with someone? Will they minimize my hurt? Will this change their perception of me? Will they think my story is too sordid and painful and walk away? Will this change our relationship?

Experiencing anxiety at the thought of being vulnerable is normal. It is scary to allow someone into your intimate, emotional space. However, being vulnerable—in healthy circumstances—is beneficial and ultimately, necessary to your growth. Vulnerability can show you beauty and peace in their most sincere forms. It can strengthen relationships and provide a much-needed sense of community and support. In addition to forging a trust- and love-filled bond with others, being vulnerable leads you one step closer to freedom. The painful, emotional associations you've clutched are released. Hurts and fears no longer control your life and boss you around. Sharing your stories can give you the boost of power and confidence needed to move forward.

Vulnerability is not simple. It’s uncomfortable and scary. Yet, when you have loving people in your life who are committed to your well-being and truly value your relationship, it is far more advantageous to take that leap. Give yourself permission to release what has held you back. Invest in your relationships by trusting. Allow yourself to be wrapped in the support that you need, but have refused to accept. Step out of your own way, let go, and become one step closer to being completely free.

Even though I would still prefer jumping out of a plane or going 200 mph on the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, I made a promise to press through my temporary heart racing, outbreak of sweat, and turning stomach to invest in myself enough to be vulnerable. I made this promise because being healthy has become much more important to me than being comfortable. In order to live a life of freedom I have to do what is required to be free.

It's Not Political, It's Personal

Relocating from Indianapolis to Kalamazoo left me without a television for seven days. I didn’t find it catastrophic, but I did miss my daily morning news fix. Now that I’m more informed in the mornings I wonder if I wasn’t saved some heartache last week. After tuning back in I’ve found that the political spin taking place on social issues has made me question the soul of this country.

There are several public debates taking place about extremely private issues. Laws are being considered that will impact personal freedoms. These freedoms are being questioned based on religious beliefs and morality. I have purposefully refrained from publicly expressing my stance on these volatile issues, but I believe that we all have the right to mandate our behavior based on religious beliefs. Yet when government makes following a religious belief a matter of law it is no longer personal and belief no longer dictates behavior. The avoidance of breaking federal law dictates behavior, not the desire to be moral. More importantly, though, our choice to conduct ourselves under the direction of religious doctrine does not include forcing that same doctrine on others. Where is the choice and love in that?

It grieves me to think that those proposing such monumental changes will never be directly impacted by them. They will never be denied equal rights and benefits because of who they love. They will never have to testify in front of a room full of people about the worst moment of their lives. They will never have to live in the jarring reality of life after a rape resulting in pregnancy. How is it then that they have the right to make that decision for those who will? 

No matter what I elect to dictate my choices, I cannot justify mandating my behavior, lifestyle, and actions on anyone else, let alone the rest of the country. I am deeply saddened to see such emotional issues driving so many apart instead of binding us together. We’ve stepped back in time to incorporate different forms of ‘acceptable’ discrimination and tell an entire gender that they can’t, aren’t smart enough, or can’t be trusted enough to make their own decisions. I thought history taught us better and hoped we simply knew better.

Voting on these issues will impact an election, but they’ll impact the lives of our friends, neighbors, coworkers, siblings, daughters, sons, and grandchildren more. The outcome will mark a significant change in our country’s history, but will also determine the direction of our future. These debates will have political implications, but the personal ones are far greater. I am so grieved because I don’t have to quote some convincing statistic or read a catchy headline to place a face with a story. I already lived the story with people I love. I know those who do not have equal rights, who have been raped—and can adequately define it without the help of someone who hasn’t—and who have raised children resulting from rape. When I think of the choices that have or could have been stripped from them, in addition to the choices they’ve already lost, it hurts my heart. These potential policy changes aren’t political, they are personal. Extremely personal. For all of those I love and admire I am going to vote, but I may have to turn off the news until November if I am to hold on to the hope that we will grow into ‘the land of the free and the home of the brave’.

This isn’t intended to be a political post, just one that will encourage thoughtful reflection. One that will lead us to ask some fundamental questions about intention and truth. One that will help us to understand that hurting individuals hurts us collectively.

The Power to Choose

Having options moves most into trepidation and angst. So many are afraid to make the wrong choice that they would actually prefer not having to choose. However, having options can be the greatest source of liberation you’ll ever experience.

While in high school I only applied to three colleges. Not one of them was my dream school. My dream school was across the country, expensive, and in my teenage mind, too difficult to pursue. I used distance and finances as excuses not to try. I didn’t want to make a difficult choice so I didn’t allow the more expensive, ambitious, and exciting school to even be an option. I allowed my fear to make that decision for me. After reflecting on that experience, I promised myself to make my own decisions.

When you find yourself facing major decisions, don’t give fear a louder voice than your own. Fear isn’t kind or considerate. If you permit it to lead your choices, fear will eventually rule over you. See choices as opportunities, not threats. When facing a range of options, treat it as freedom instead of confinement. When given several courses of action, allow your mind the space it needs to be receptive instead of unresponsive.

Having the freedom to choose grants you with the ability to elevate your life. What’s even more terrifying than having to make a decision? Having no options. What’s even more frightening than having the freedom to create an amazing, exciting life track? Not having the freedom to live life larger and fuller than it is today. Embrace the power associated with having choices. It is your ticket to living the life of your dreams.

Transparency

Transparency is something I feared before I fully understood it. I knew that it required a level of openness and honesty that made me uncomfortable so I wasn’t interested. I was content being ultra-selective with who would experience transparent Myla, what I would be transparent about, and when. While we need to exercise wisdom when it comes to sharing our emotions with others, it is possible to take caution too far and miss out the benefits that come with being free from the fear of opening up.

I consider myself friendly and open to new friendships, but I have simultaneously been guarded. It is easy for me to build a level of trust where others feel they can share, but much harder for me to return the favor. There was a time in my life when I would put people through a test to see how they would react to hearing a safer revelation before I felt comfortable sharing the one(s) that really needed to be released. Truthfully, I was seeing how their reaction made me feel about myself. If they provided a reaction that was too similar to my own negative self talk then I could go no further in sharing with them. The problem with this emotional testing is that I was not allowing myself the relief that accompanies placing my trust in someone nor the liberation that comes from freeing self from unhealthy feelings.

I’m not suggesting that you tell everyone everything, but if you have people in your life who are trustworthy then trust them. Don’t test them. Don’t create a safe space for them to open up while you remain emotionally clogged. When you live a life of transparency you live a life of peace and sincerity. Those who cannot exist in a similar space of peace and sincerity will eventually bow out. Those that remain and embrace the more genuine you are the keepers. Don’t be afraid of freedom. Embrace it.

Declaration of Independence

As we celebrate America’s independence this week it is equally important to reflect and consider our personal victories and freedoms. Each of us has had to work to evolve into the person that stands today. For some the work consisted of earning an education, securing a job, and taking care of family. Others have had much more colorful journeys sprinkled with pain, loss, illness, abuse, and/or self-destructive behavior. No matter where your story falls, it is often helpful to take a moment to recognize—or maybe even declare for the first time—your independence from being ruled by negativity or a low sense of self-worth.

Most know whether they are an optimist or a pessimist. Some are prone to redirecting every situation toward the positive side of life and can find purpose in anything. Others are determined to use any negative or unfavorable circumstance as proof that the world is cruel and unforgiving. While I have witnessed and experienced situations that reflect more heartbreak and senselessness than most are aware, I maintain a belief that we have the ability to set the course of our lives by developing mental resilience, a hope-filled outlook, and loving ourselves enough to refuse anything less than love, respect, and support from others.

You may not be exactly where you’d like to be, but you are most certainly not where you were ten, five, or even two years ago. Maybe you can only see what you haven’t done or where your life has deficiencies and lack. Maybe you feel like where you are isn’t remotely close to what you pictured. The good news is that as long as there’s tomorrow, there’s hope. As long as there’s tomorrow, you can free yourself from whatever has previously held you back. As long as there’s tomorrow, you have the option to live a life independent of negative thoughts, unfulfilled relationships, and some of the side effects lingering from your past.

Make your own declaration of independence. This time next year, when you sit with family and friends to celebrate another year of America’s independence, you can also celebrate an independence of your own. You may have freed yourself from the presence of negative people, reduced or stopped your own negative self-talk, refused to allow fear to make decisions for you, or simply loved yourself enough to require more than what you previously permitted. When we make a conscious effort to free ourselves from negativity we gain the courage to pursue a life of fullness and satisfaction, and there is nothing more liberating than living life with joyful anticipation.

Free Your Truth

All of us have had to live with at least one situation that has threatened to break us. It could have been a death, a divorce, an illness, being abandoned by a parent, a physical challenge, physical or sexual abuse, and the list goes on. We have all been shaken by a truth that is harsh, painful, and led us to doubt if we had the strength to endure. The important thing to ask ourselves is how we are living with that truth.

I’ve met quite a few people coping with their truth by refusing to cope. Some cover truth in a cloak of anger or sadness. Others push their truth in a corner and busy themselves with work, their children, or church activities. There are some who are so disturbed by their truth that they reject it. All of these “coping” mechanisms are temporary and will ultimately be met with demise. Truth is not meant to be concealed. That’s why lives are so negatively impacted when people deceive themselves and others. Health issues arise. Bad decisions are made. Relationships suffer. Our truth, as complicated and painful as it may be, is an extension of who we are and when we stifle our truth, we really stifle ourselves.

I am not at all suggesting that the world needs to know what your truth is, but you do. You need to know your truth, acknowledge it, and if it’s something that can and needs to be altered, put in the work to make that happen. If your truth is something a bit more absolute (someone has died, you are dealing with a past trauma, etc.), you still need to acknowledge it in order for you to work—and yes, it is work—through the emotions associated with it. To acknowledge it is not the same as to lie down and take it or to let it rule over you. To acknowledge your truth is to tell yourself, “Yes, this happened, but…” or “Yes, that occurred, and I felt ______, but…” You are the one who can conclude that sentence. You determine the direction your life takes. You decide how much that truth impacts your life. Don’t cover it. Don’t push it in a corner or under a rug. Set your truth free and in turn, you’ll be free.

Smile Free

Smile Free

She smiles, but I know better

Bad choices are her drug

Accepting unhealthy connections

On an unquenchable quest for love

My heart fills with gratitude

Knowing that her past and mine are the same

Because my journey turned me toward the light

And she simply can’t walk through her pain

I am thankful to be centered and whole

Following the passage through my truth

Truth that I can recall and not crumble

Truth that gathers around her neck like a noose

I hope for the day when she stops pretending

That her pain hasn’t become her priest

The day when she can look at truth and really smile

Smile big and smile free

The 'she' in this poem refers to no one specific. I wrote it thinking of the many stories I've heard and people I've met who have had a childhood experience similar to my own, but years later can't seem to cope. I've met some where the lack of coping skills are obvious and they live destructive lives. I've met others where the impact is less obvious, but it is still present. This poem is for all of them, no matter where they fall on the spectrum.