The Choice

Most are inclined to offer opinions on everything. Without being prompted people blurt out their judgments on music, fashion, television shows, movies, current events, and even the way you live your life. Although annoying, it is typically harmless. However, there are occasions when opinions can be a hindrance. When people offer opinions on highly charged situations in which you are not confident or when people you love want you to do what is not in your best interest, it can be an exhausting, emotional battle. It's important to remember that the choice is always yours.

When it comes to your relationships, someone always has something to say about who should or shouldn't be there. This isn't meant to negate the value of the opinions of others. There are times when you need others to illuminate what you fail or refuse to recognize and see. However, decisions ultimately come down to your choice and you should always choose to live well.

When someone hurts you, you owe it to yourself to do the necessary work so that you don't harbor that hurt. Call it forgiveness, reconciling, or moving on, but no matter the term, do what's needed so that the effects of the hurt aren't compounded by your refusal to release. What is absolutely not required when you forgive, reconcile, or move on is for you to place yourself in the same circumstances or in the company of those who hurt you. Reconcile the incident and move forward, but healing does not constitute that you have to return to the relationship. There are some circumstances when the hurt is larger and has made more of an impact than the bond itself.

Someone else deciding to stay does not mean you have to stay. Someone pleading for you to return does not mean you have to return. Hearing promises does not mean you have to believe those promises. Feeling like you don't have the strength to refuse does not mean you cannot find the strength to refuse. You have options. You can move past the incident and reconcile the relationship or you can move past both the incident and the relationship. The choice is always yours.

Extend Grace

People are flawed and wear their wounds like undergarments. That's why we have to grace those we love with forgiveness when their disappointments, misconceptions, and hurts overshadow their ability to be considerate, understanding, and loving. However, we need to recognize the difference between extending grace and overextending ourselves.

I used to live a lie. I put a smile on my face, forced myself to be in the company of people I shouldn't, and convinced others that my smile reflected how I felt. This lie stemmed from another—I believed that no one could or would want to care for me if they knew the depth of my brokenness. Who wants to be around the girl with such a troubled start?

I tried to hide not only the influence of my childhood, but that it even happened. Part of the problem was I'd been taught that offenses were to be forgiven rather than worked through. While I know its value, forgiveness should not be used as a means to ignore the truth and perpetuate hurt. My focus to forgive offenses rather than work through them limited my growth. Instead of pursuing peace I pursued "proof" of forgiveness—my smile and the ability to be in the company of those who hurt me. Fortunately, I don't live that lie anymore. While I extend grace to those who have hurt me in deed or by encouraging my silence, I no longer overextend myself by proving my level of forgiveness with unhealthy tests or by remaining in the company of those who inflicted such pain.

All of us carry remnants of our pasts that cloud our judgment. All of us are capable of making mistakes, even with those we love. We are not to seek perfection from others. We are to seek consideration, authenticity, kindness, and understanding and be considerate, authentic, kind, and understanding to ourselves. Just as we extend grace to others, we need to extend grace to ourselves by not giving so much that we lose sight of who we are and forfeit the essence within us all in the name of forgiveness.

Read last week's post, It's Your Choice.