Space

We have been convinced that spaciousness is supreme. We dream of owning a huge house with as many bathrooms as bedrooms, a three-car garage, on land large enough to house a compound. In addition to our mega complex for more spacious things, personal space is also valued at such a premium that airlines and rail lines charge more money for it. Space is a hot commodity that has changed what we want and the way we live, travel, and interact with one another.

When I moved to Michigan in 2012, I moved into a large apartment, by myself. While it was often convenient and comfortable, I didn't need all of that space and having it did not always serve me well. It was great when I had overnight guests. It was not great when I felt alone. It seemed to amplify the loneliness and bounce it off of every wall for me to hear over and over again. That space also enabled me to keep things I should have released, purchase things I didn't need, and shut the door on all of those things so I didn't have to look at them or deal with them.

In addition to the drawbacks associated with physical space, there's another element of space that I subscribed to that was more detrimental—emotional space. Keeping emotional space, distance, did not always serve me well either. I developed emotional distance for the same reason that most do—because the actions of a few destroyed my ability to trust. When I did discover my support system, which was solid, genuine, and fully committed to my well-being, I was too embarrassed, ashamed, and flat out terrified to truly let people in to what I deemed my overwhelming, complicated emotional vault.

Being distant from others produced outcomes that contradicted what I wanted. Space gave my mind room to wander to horrible places, replaying scenes of my history of trauma. Space allowed me to get lost in the negative messages I repeated to myself. Space made me feel alone and undeserving of the support, acceptance, and love I needed. All of the emotional work I'd done to create a sense of safety and peace was evaporating in that space. Space was not what I needed. I needed connection. I needed people right there, up close and personal, not just telling me I had their support, but demonstrating it, repeatedly. I didn't need more space, I needed less. Much less.

When we have space, we have extra room for miscellaneous things—all the stuff that has no specific place and at times, no value. We put it in a spare room and shut the door so that we can maintain attachments that need to be severed without having to see the impact of those unhealthy attachments. We give ourselves so much space that it prevents others from getting close enough to witness our emotional clutter, making it impossible for them to help us clear it out.

Does space provide you with convenience and comfort or has it become an enabler? Have you given those you trust, those who have proven their commitment to your well-being, access to fully support you? Are you being honest with them? Are you being honest with yourself?

Assess the space in your life. Make necessary adjustments. All of the support you need will be there. Don't be afraid to let people in. Don't be afraid to get close. We were designed to be connected and have relationships. It is when those connections and bonds are broken that we feel disrupted, abandoned, and unloved. Space is not always the answer. At times, space is the problem.

Investments

All of us have investments and we invest with the hope of receiving a benefit. We purchase homes, cars, clothing, jewelry, stocks, and bonds expecting that they will provide us with use or increased value over time. In addition to financial investments, we personally invest our time and energy into others. Unfortunately, most of those investments aren't purely intentional and many of us fail to realize that who we have been devoted to has brought more detriment than benefit.

Our relationships are one of our greatest investments. Who we choose to spend our most precious assets with—time, energy, trust, care, and love—contributes to our mental and emotional well-being. While we don't consider relationships to be transactional (i.e., I do for you, you do for me), those who occupy an intimate space in our lives should add value, not diminish nor deplete it.

Are those you are closest to and allow into your space benefitting you with support, consistency, safety, reassurance, respect, and love? Or do you constantly question their intentions, have to defend your choices, fight disappointment, and need to rebuild your sense of worth after you engage with them? Does your circle of support feel strong, reliable, and genuine or does it have weak spots, holes, and conditions? As you consider your answers also reflect on what your contributions have been to your investments. How and to whom have you devoted your time and energy? Are your choices based on authentic and mutual commitment and care or have you been persuaded by guilt and obligation?

Your mental stability matters. Your emotional state matters. Your feelings matter. Anything concerning you matters and is greatly influenced by the relationships you choose. Devote your time to those who share your mission for your life, support your heart, and positively contribute to your well-being. Financial investments are intended to build wealth. Your personal investments should build you.

Life's Best

Since graduating from college I have lived in Maryland, Virginia, California, Indiana, and now I've returned to Michigan. My contact list is varied and over the years relationships have divided into categories of a solely historical context, some level of interaction, or an increasingly important relationship. Many times busyness and distance gets the blame when people drift apart, but I own the right and responsibility for prioritizing and ensuring that those who belong in my circle remain there.

As time passes, I am increasingly selective with how and with whom I spend it. A few years ago, though, guilt directed my behavior and led me into situations that were not only unwanted, but did not even feel right. Now I am guided by the pursuit of peace. My choices are not always understood or even appreciated, but it is more important to be honest than to gain approval. It is better to be healthy than pleasing. It is more beneficial to be at peace rather than nurse confusion. Has it been easy? Not always, but the alternative, taking time and attention away from those who have proven that they have my best interests at heart and support all of me, is not fair nor desired. My life is much more full, free, and pleasant since I've intentionally nurtured sustaining relationships instead of trying to force life into draining ones.

Your relationships are vital. They can usher in life's best. They can provide support, encouragement, belonging, consistency, affection, joy, laughter, safety, security, companionship, and love. Alternatively, unhealthy relationships can reduce life's best by bringing in anxiety, distress, uncertainty, stress, heartache, disappointment, jealousy, conflict, and hatred. History is not enough. A bloodline is not enough. The presumed absence of guilt is not enough. Good intentions are not enough. The fear of being alone is not enough. None of those are enough to prevent you from ushering in life's best by way of the people that you allow into your space.

Whether with relatives, friends, or friends who choose to be family, it is both your responsibility and privilege to distinguish which relationships bring you life and which ones diminish it. Once you make that determination, you owe it to yourself to feed healthy relationships and not permit the unhealthy ones to consume you. 

Distress

At the start of the summer season, there is an increase in news reports on water safety. One of the most important notices is about the behavior of those who are drowning. Most assume that there will be screams and violent splashing, but those in distress while swimming barely make a sound or much movement. Unfortunately, people struggle silently while others watch, unaware of the desperation occurring below the surface.

We are constantly immersed in life. We make decisions today that will influence our future while simultaneously doing the emotional hard work of reconciling our past. We are surrounded by people who teach us difficult lessons, show us ourselves, and make us demonstrate love instead of simply say it. We try to make the life we face better than what we've left behind while remaining grateful and mindful of the present. It is a constant balancing act that tests our stamina, stretches our faith, and repeatedly proves and disproves what we have been taught and believe.

While it is easy and even understandable to be engrossed in your life, consider how you can show your loved ones that you support and truly see them. Don't wait for screaming or splashing from your spouse, parents, siblings, and friends to extend your hand and reach out. Signs of sadness may not match your expectations. Distress may not be as visible or cause as much of a commotion as you anticipate. Do not let someone you love feel as if s/he is drowning right in front of you simply because it doesn't appear as you imagine.

Let Love Lead

Someone I love sent a message that generated a response in me that was a bit smart-mouthed. Honestly, there was nothing ‘a bit’ smart-mouthed about it. The retort was intended to counter the sting that I felt. Before I replied, I took a moment to consider the purpose of sending such a response to someone I loved. Someone whose presence in my life was important to me. Someone with whom I’d shared many laughs and heart-felt discussions. Someone I learned to trust. Although a part of me was amused at the thought of that remark, I had to ask myself a serious question: Where was the love in that response?

It only takes a second for our lives to change. It only takes a single turn for us to walk down a path unintended. It only takes one hurtful comment to start to unravel what took years to build. How we speak to others is an indication of how we value relationships and ultimately, how we value ourselves.

I could have justified sending that comment. I could have used my hurt as an excuse to be careless—even for a second. However, I wanted to my response to come from a loving place, not a cruel place. Instead of sending a hasty, thoughtless message, I considered my friend’s feelings and circumstances. I considered my friend. I realized that she had no intention of offending me. She was simply being honest. More importantly, when I considered my own circumstances, I realized that I was being sensitive. Had I responded prematurely, my intent would have been hurtful and the sentiment I conveyed would have been dishonest. Reflecting rather than reacting taught me a vital lesson: It is imperative to let love lead instead of fleeting, fickle feelings.

Meaningful Friendship

We hold certain expectations for people because we learn who to count on for different things. We know who to go to for encouragement, giggles, travel adventures, venting sessions, a night out, a night in, dating advice, or a good debate. While this is healthy, we must be careful. Over time we can easily slip from appreciation to expectation and take those who invest in us for granted.

Think about your friendship gestures or the ways you express your love. Whether you show love with gifts, time, physical affection, encouragement, or with thoughtful deeds, you do so because you deem that particular expression to be valuable. You give what is valuable not because you don’t need it—you give it because it is your best.

Now, consider those in your life. They show their love in different ways. You may have a particular friend who gives amazing gifts or who sends cards just because. You may have another friend who is present to celebrate every occasion. There could be someone else who has a kind, inspiring word or a loving embrace even when you don’t know that you need it. In different ways, your friends give you what they deem to be valuable, not what they have in excess. Those who provide laughter need cheer. People who exude strength need to be strengthened. Listeners need to be heard. Those who provide meaningful friendship also need meaningful friendship.

Selfless Connections

Connections are increasingly vital. Everything from job searching to dating requires all of us to polish up on our interpersonal skills. Although our social connections have implications that far exceed what they used to, we are also ironically in a place where many are only making associations that are self-serving. While this type of networking has its place, how many of us take the time to selflessly be a source of inspiration to others?

By nature we are interconnected. At various phases of our lives we have benefitted from the presence of parents/guardians, peers and friends, and advisors or mentors. As we try to make our mark in the world we aren’t meant to solely surround ourselves with those who give to us. We are also meant to give and influence others without asking for anything in return. Whether it’s neighbors, church members, or even younger relatives, we should impart inspiration into others.

You may not think you have much to give, but encouragement and support make a major difference. If you have stumbled, made some mistakes, and bumped your head a few times, why not share the lessons you learned to make the journey of others less treacherous? If you pursued a career that is difficult, why not offer valuable expertise or guidance to someone aspiring to reach your level? Maybe you didn’t have a parent/guardian, older sibling, or mentor to help you transition into adulthood. Ensure that the young people in your life don’t share that same experience. Your care and concern is not only valuable in the lives of others, but you’ll also be filled with pride and gratification each time you witness someone you encourage overcome fears, pursue goals, and succeed. Uplift the young people in your life. Use your life to launch other lives. Your most meaningful connections often begin when you start from a place of selfless generosity.

Those Closest to You

I am baffled by the idea that we treat those closest to us the worst. Why would anyone choose to treat his/her family members and closest friends worse than others? Yet it is our assumption that our family and closest friends will always be around that allows for this irresponsible phenomenon.

We are often on our best behavior when meeting someone new or while at our places of employment and in other social settings. We don’t want outsiders to know how rude we can be, how careless we are with our words, or how much we take those we love for granted. We would be utterly ashamed if our neighbors, coworkers, church members, or our children’s friend’s parents heard how flippant we are with the feelings of those we live for.

My family will not stop being related to me and I am confident that I have lifelong friendships. Even still, I am not given a free pass to treat any of them as if their feelings are trivial. We treat people we’re closest to the worst because we believe in their unconditional love. We trust that they will judge us by the sum total of our actions and not isolated incidents. We hope that love is enough to lift us above our faults and thoughtlessness. We rely on our comprehensive intentions and character to cover our harsh tones and words. Yet how different would our homes and relationships be if we regarded our loved ones with the same level of reverence we reserve for those outside of our inner circle? What if we cared as much about how our parents, siblings, children, and long-established friends feel as we fear being judged by those who evaluate us solely by our actions? What if we treated our loved ones better?

Try being more cognizant of how you speak with and treat those you love. If it’s not fitting for your neighbor, church member, or coworker ask yourself why it’s appropriate for your spouse, sibling, parent, and/or children. It may be extremely difficult, but the testing of your patience will not compare to making your loved ones feel more loved.

Miracle of Mirrors

I often write about friendship because I have such an intense respect for its purpose and its capacity. When we feel inadequate friends reassure us. When we fail to focus friends nudge us in the right direction. When we become overly impressed with ourselves friends usher in balance. Through the eyes of a true friend we can see a complete depiction of ourselves.

Mirrors are a wonderful invention. They allow us to examine ourselves for imperfections. They help us to see what is missing, excessive, and out of place. Our friendships also serve the same function as mirrors. Our collective choice of friends reflect characteristics of ourselves, but individually, our friends reveal what we fail to closely inspect. Friends can point out the parts of our lives that we unconsciously miss or intentionally avoid.

Over the years I became extremely good at dodging difficult questions. I didn’t consider it lying because my answers were truthful. Yet, my truthful answers they left out more than they revealed and most people were satisfied with my elusive replies. A serious issue developed because I started to believe my scripted responses. My belief impacted my behavior. I said certain areas weren’t a problem so I stopped working through them. Progress halted. Only the mirrors in my life have challenged me and pressed for more than what I was willing to openly give. I felt uncomfortable being challenged, but growth develops after evaluation and evaluation requires a close look into the areas of our lives that are hidden, deficient, and faulty.

When your actions and approaches are challenged by those who genuinely see you, consider the intent and potential impact before you emotionally shut down. Assess the motive behind the probe. If it’s coming out of love and in the spirit of authentic concern then try to focus on the message instead of how uncomfortable the message made you feel.

Life’s largest lessons force you to question the mantras you’ve relied on for years. Growth can be painful. Cleansing your soul can be upsetting. We need our friends—our mirrors—not only to get through these difficult periods, but also to even begin the process of self reflection. Mirrors were created to aid with examination and to reflect light. Allow the mirrors in your life to help you examine yourself so that you can fully reflect the light within.

Release Fear and Embrace Friendship

Fear is a natural emotion tied to uncertainty. When life pushes us into unfamiliar territory we feel anxious and unsettled. Experiencing fear is normal, but being ruled by it is not. There are countless situations that elicit fear, but one we often face comes with the development of a new relationship. We mentally rehearse moments when we were hurt by someone close to us and steer clear of doing anything to replicate those circumstances. Some of us conclude that we were hurt because we were open and vow not to be open again.

There was a time when I was thoroughly convinced that I didn’t need any new friends. I told myself that my circle of friends was so solid and proven that I had everyone I needed. I wasn’t opposed to meeting new people, but I was certain that any new friendships would be surface-level only. I wouldn’t open up. Newcomers weren't allowed into my intimate heart space. I refused to give anyone the potential to hurt me. When I realized what I was up to—an avoidance of hurt—I understood my trepidation had more to do with fear than a strong friendship circle. My reasoning was ridiculous and extremely limiting. I knew that if I didn’t change I would ultimately reduce the amount of love I welcomed into my life.

When I got to the root of my erroneous thinking, I could no longer operate under the same assumptions. I was no longer convinced that no one else was meant to walk into my life and into that personal space that I’d worked so hard to protect. I stopped looking at new friendships through lenses of fear, hesitation, and doubt. Since becoming more open and less fearful, I’ve gladly discovered new relationships that have brought me joy and remind me of my purpose. I’ve also learned that I am a much better friend and person when I free myself from behavior designed to prevent imagined hurt. When we haul fear into new relationships we assign disappointment and hurt to someone who has not earned it and we fail to experience the full benefit of that relationship. We should never hold our fears so tightly that we aren’t able to embrace the power and value of a meaningful friendship.

Connections and Disconnections

In the age of social networking we are constantly connecting and reconnecting with all kinds of people from various stages of our lives. Some connections are beneficial and refreshing. Some are not as helpful and at best remind us why they were designated to the "in the past" file on friendship.

I get quite emotionally tied to people. When I invest in a friendship and open up it is no small feat. Those who know me best can attest to that. As a result, during times that I’ve had to cope with a friendship deteriorating or being repurposed it was emotionally wearisome. I questioned what role I played in the deterioration and whether I did all I could to prevent it. What I've learned—thankfully—is that when we grow (as we all should) not only will some friendships no longer fit, but some people will not be happy about our growth and therefore, will not support it. Those are the relationships and people unable to proceed past our current state. Those are the people, more than likely, that you’ve disconnected with for a valid reason.

If you find someone in your inner circle that you are holding onto simply because s/he has always been there, release yourself from the obligation and guilt. If you find yourself maintaining relationships with those stuck on who you used to be or what you used to do, you run the risk of repeatedly confirming their expectations instead of moving forward. If your friendships are stumbling blocks and not springboards, you should probably re-evaluate your connections. This isn’t selfish or a sign that you are heartless. This is a sign of maturity and personal responsibility. Your friendships should provoke you to be a better friend and more importantly, motivate you to become a better person. Edna Buchanan said, “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” Be sure that you choose wisely.

Your Inner Circle

If you take inventory of my close friends you will recognize similarities. They are driven, independent, strong, considerate, and have a sparkling sense of humor. My friends and I push one another to pursue our dreams, love each other through life’s challenges, and laugh relentlessly. Think about your inner circle. Consider those with whom you spend the majority of your time. What similarities exist between your circle of friends and what do these similarities suggest about your personality?

If you find yourself surrounded by people who are always talking about what they are going to do, but rarely act, what does this imply about the steps you take—or don’t take—in your own life? If you and your friends spend happy hour being unhappy and complaining about every single thing imaginable, what does that indicate about your level of gratitude? If you are often in the company of gossips, what does that suggest about the type of information you seek to fill your mind? Your inner circle is a direct reflection of you. 

Sadly, some of us are more selective about material things than our relationships. I know someone who will only drive a Cadillac. I know someone else who only buys Coach purses. As a kid, I knew someone who would only purchase Nike shoes. If we can be that specific and certain about what kind of car we drive, what kind of purse we carry, and what kind of shoes we wear, surely we can stand to be a lot more careful about the company we keep. We are responsible for the influences that we allow in our lives, including the relationships we cultivate. Be mindful and take inventory of your inner circle.