Standing Firm

As infants we were trained to make noise. When we needed to eat, be changed, or be held we cried and someone came to meet those needs. As we grew older, we replaced crying with words and learned that in order to get something, we needed to say something. At times, speaking up and often is appropriate, but far too few of us have learned the power and influence that exists in simply standing firm.

For many years I felt far from being understood. It was a combination of me trying to live out imposed family obligations and me not clearly and thoroughly grasping the many ways that being abused as a child had influenced so much of my adult life. I carried being misunderstood like baggage even though understanding was what I desperately needed. I did not know how to get it because I focused too much of my energy and attention being frustrated and irritated that I had to ask to be understood. I could not get pass the fact that empathy wasn't automatically granted and this refusal to move forward hurt me, not anyone else.

It wasn't until I made the choice to move forward that I could seek out understanding in a way that was healthy and true to what I valued. I set up boundaries and stood firm on those boundaries. I no longer expected or sought understanding from anyone who required an explanation or had to be convinced. My need to be understood was met by those who wanted to understand. It didn't require persuasion. It didn't require a sentimental monologue detailing my hurt. It didn't require noise. It required me shifting my focus from external to internal. It required me being rational and honest. It required me standing firm on my boundaries.

Most of your needs are attached to direct involvement or cooperation from others. If they are not being met noise is not always the best recourse. Consider your options. What have you tried already? Who have you reached out to? How did you reach out? Having needs is normal. How you try to achieve them is the variable. At times, standing firm can move more than noise or force, but you have to be clear on what and who are worth your firm stance.

Lens of Empathy

Countless times people have expressed their surprise upon hearing my story. Meant as a compliment, they say variations of, "I never would have known," or "I had no idea." I understand the sentiment behind those statements, but it does pose a question. How does the perception of the struggles of others influence how they are treated?

Television, big screen productions, and novels have filled our minds with images of how someone who has faced hardship should look and feel. We expect someone with a traumatic past to wear difficulty on her face, leave a string of violence in her path, battle addiction publicly, and/or cling to unhealthy relationships. When we meet someone who abuses herself with repeated bad choices, we comfort ourselves and explain the negativity away by concluding that she must have had a horrible history. We measure the level of past struggle by current self-inflicted hurt. Because of this flawed measurement system, when we encounter someone centered and positive we assume that her struggle has been light or that the sunshine is somehow dishonest. A more accurate conclusion is that not all who are living well have always had the best life has to offer.

How has your perception of struggle influenced how you treat others? On what factors have you based those perceptions? Are you more sympathetic to visible, known hardship? Everyone you encounter has been hurt. The father trying to set a positive example to his children, the cheerful woman working at your favorite clothing store, and the friend who is always making you laugh have all experienced heartache and are coping with it daily. You may not have witnessed the hurt, but that doesn't make it less real. Trade in the clouded and inconsistent lens of assumption for the more genuine lens of empathy. Reach out to those you love. Check in with your friends, even if you don't think they need it. They may surprise you.

Distress

At the start of the summer season, there is an increase in news reports on water safety. One of the most important notices is about the behavior of those who are drowning. Most assume that there will be screams and violent splashing, but those in distress while swimming barely make a sound or much movement. Unfortunately, people struggle silently while others watch, unaware of the desperation occurring below the surface.

We are constantly immersed in life. We make decisions today that will influence our future while simultaneously doing the emotional hard work of reconciling our past. We are surrounded by people who teach us difficult lessons, show us ourselves, and make us demonstrate love instead of simply say it. We try to make the life we face better than what we've left behind while remaining grateful and mindful of the present. It is a constant balancing act that tests our stamina, stretches our faith, and repeatedly proves and disproves what we have been taught and believe.

While it is easy and even understandable to be engrossed in your life, consider how you can show your loved ones that you support and truly see them. Don't wait for screaming or splashing from your spouse, parents, siblings, and friends to extend your hand and reach out. Signs of sadness may not match your expectations. Distress may not be as visible or cause as much of a commotion as you anticipate. Do not let someone you love feel as if s/he is drowning right in front of you simply because it doesn't appear as you imagine.