Outside Influences

Details vary, but all of us have at least one long-term challenge that shapes our lives. Some battle chronic health issues, mental illness, depression, the effects of abuse, addiction, and/or a distorted sense of self. We have to accept our challenges and their impact before we can learn to cope and maneuver through the hurt and influence associated with them. Acceptance and coping can take years, but living past hurt can be even more complicated by outside influences.

How many times have you heard that time heals all wounds? People who love you say it. It's printed on posters and in memes. You may have even repeated it to yourself. That statement, and others like it, imply that simply crossing days off of a calendar can push you forward. Some struggles can't be abandoned. Some require more of you than walking away. Some require attention and tedious emotional work. Time passes and can lessen the sting, but without the emotional work, the passage of time will only serve as a mark of frustration and justification for impatience and self-loathing.

In addition to passively giving time the power that you possess, working through a complicated situation can be made more complex by others. It may be easy to walk away from those who don't play an important role in your life, but what happens when the ones causing you pain and frustration are relatives and friends? What do you do when your parent, sibling, cousin, or childhood friend refuses to accept what you need to heal or tramples over your boundaries?

You are responsible for not allowing the same people to hurt you in the same manner again and again. This can be difficult and demand skillful maneuvering. It may require repeated readjustments of expectations and more defined boundaries. Easy? Not at all. Necessary? Absolutely. Those who cannot respect your boundaries may need to be on the other side of those boundaries. You have enough to live through without carrying the weight of clichés and the expectations and desires of others on your back. Do the work to take care of you and the rest will take care of itself.

Unreasonable Expectations

There are common needs in all relationships—love, support, and respect—but the types of expectations attached to each relationship differs. Our children have different expectations for us than our parents and those relationship expectations differ from that of our siblings and friends. In each relationship, we choose to meet those expectations or not. Our choice is usually made when we determine whether the expectations are reasonable.

For years I struggled with unreasonable expectations, even though I was confident that what was being asked was completely unhealthy. I muted the blaring alarms, bells, and whistles—keeping public peace while living in private chaos. I allowed family obligation and a desire to people please to repeatedly put me in unhealthy spaces. What resulted was unnecessary stress, high anxiety, and overly critical self-talk. As if that wasn't detrimental enough, my decision to meet these demands led to even more occasions for unreasonable expectations.

To distract myself from the red flags constantly in view I shifted my focus. I convinced myself that my stress, anxiety, and overly critical self-talk would diminish if those asking me to sacrifice my emotional health would acknowledge my efforts. I wanted them to say, “I know how hard you try to grant my unrealistic requests just so that I can be comfortable.” I thought that if they would admit that what they wanted from me was unreasonable then I would feel better about myself. Essentially, I wanted them to validate my self negligence because I could not.

There was nothing admirable or noble about me giving up my peace of mind. Absolutely nothing. I was accountable for my emotional health and I had been totally careless and frivolous with my most important relationship—the one I had with myself. It was no longer the fault of others for having those expectations. The problem was with me. It was my responsibility to say no. I needed to care enough for myself to stand up. All of the excuses I had—it's family, you've been doing this for so long already, you can handle it, etc.—were just as ridiculous as the requests. My life wouldn't change unless I had the courage to change. It had to begin with me.

 

All relationships come with responsibility, including the one you have with self. If others present you with unreasonable expectations you have a right to refuse. You may have been taught that self-care is selfish. It is not. You are worth more than willingly handing over your peace of mind. You deserve more than giving so much of yourself that there's nothing left. Your treatment of self demonstrates how you expect to be treated and indicates what you think you deserve. Be sure to set a reasonable, kind, healthy, and loving example.

Toss Those Expectations

The weather has been the leading news story for much of the winter season. Regions of the U.S. have seen record-setting snows and rain. Temperatures have been fluctuating greatly from day to day. The atmosphere has taken what is considered normal and tossing it aside. If weather patterns can break out of norms and expectations, what are we waiting for to do the same?

Each one of us has patterns of behavior that give people—including ourselves—expectations. These expectations determine what other people anticipate from us. Some of these expectations are set from childhood. One of my grandmothers still chuckles when she thinks about me as a toddler. She says I liked to sit off in a corner, entertaining myself, and that I was fine in my own company. As an adult, that hasn’t changed much, but based on my behavior, the expectation was set that I was comfortable being in my own company. For that reason, no one in my family has been surprised that as an adult I am comfortable with solitude.

While this is a harmless example, consider the impact expectations have on your behavior. Consider how your life has been shaped by the set of behaviors you established a long time ago. Now think of what happens when that behavior no longer meets your needs or matches up with who you are trying to become. What if you have a history of being overly cautious? Irrational? Unfocused? Does that mean you have to remain overly cautious or irrational or unfocused because it is what you’ve always been? Are you able to use that as an excuse to continue exhibiting these behaviors? No, and absolutely not! You are never required to live out the expectations of others and you would not be wise to use expectations of others as an excuse for anything. 

If it can be seventy degrees on Tuesday and get down to thirty degrees by Thursday, you can alter your life pattern. If one city always gets fifty inches of snow every season and one year it gets eighty-five inches, you can change your routine. The key is, you have to think of changing, you have to want to change, and then your behavior must reflect the change you desire. The expectations you think you have to live up to (or live within) are only permanent if you permit them to be permanent. You are always welcome to change your life the minute you change your mind. Shake things up a bit. Make your life changes your own lead story.