Live in Real Life

After a particularly unsettling few weeks I scheduled an appointment for a massage. I ventured out on a frigid Saturday when I could have easily stayed bundled up on my couch or swinging from my hammock so a professional could work out the two knots in my back and the knots of worry taking up residence in my mind. As I shed myself of the layers of clothing that February in Michigan demands, I slid my cell phone into the pocket of my plush robe.

I walked over to the relaxation lounge, took a few sips of refreshingly cold water, and sat down. As I waited for the masseuse, I pulled out my phone to virtually check in to the salon. Before I could type anything I thought about the ridiculousness of the scene. I came to the spa to relax, to free myself and there I was, being captive to a small electronic device. It wasn't necessary for me to check in via my phone, I needed to check in by being present, in that moment. I slid my phone back in my pocket and took another sip of water. This time I noticed that the water had a faint strawberry flavor, something that hadn't previously registered because I was too busy fiddling with my phone.

I am the first to admit that I love the benefits offered by technology. I love that in seconds I can let someone know I am thinking of him/her by sending a quick text message. It is wonderful that I can snap a photo of an amazing sunset, beach scene, humorous sign, or fabulous meal and share it instantly. It is reassuring to know that if I need to call someone instantly I can. However, convenience has turned into unhealthy dependence.

Many times we are unable to disconnect, even if it's for limited amounts of time and this causes us to miss what is taking place right in front of our faces. We aren't fully receptive to the sights, sounds, smells, feelings, and tastes we could experience firsthand. We aren't fully engaged with those who are in our presence. We are so busy checking in via our phones that we have checked out of living. The same devices that were intended to help us increase contact and be more social have led us to be less personal and superficially social. We have become so fearful of missing something that we are missing everything.

Experience your life in real life. Fully engage in the presence of others. Appreciate the sensations of your senses as you go through your day. Imagine actually being social instead of feigning it through social media! Life is meant to be lived out loud and in full color, not muted through a screen.

It's Your Choice

As children, our lives were largely shaped by the decisions of our parents and guardians. We couldn't dictate where we lived, who we were around, what types of foods we ate or the clothing we wore. As adults, we gained the gift of choice. Sadly, too many of us are locked in the same mentality that we held as children and willingly relinquish our ability to choose.

My childhood wasn't without challenges. I was around less than desirable people and put in some hazardous situations. As a result, in my adulthood, peace has become extremely important to me. I intentionally maintain a peaceful life. It has become so obvious that it's almost comical how quickly I will exit a situation or relationship when I feel uncomfortable and unsettled.

I wasn't always so decisive. I had to learn to make choices and make them wisely. There was a time when I felt very much like that little girl who did not have the ability to choose where she lived or with whom. For many years I remained in the company of those who brought on stress and anxiety. I did not believe I had a choice and that erroneous belief convinced me that I was powerless. However, my decision not to choose peace was still a decision. I was not powerless. I was choosing stress and anxiety by remaining in stressful and anxiety-producing situations. Being still does not always equate to being indecisive nor patient. At times being still is simply choosing where you are instead of choosing where you desire to be.

Failure or refusal to act is still very much a choice. It is a choice to remain. Most remain where they are because it feels safe and involves low or less risk. Where have you made a choice to remain? Unhappy? Unsettled? Overworked? Underemployed? Unappreciated? Depressed? Exhausted? Unfulfilled? You are not powerless. You are not required to live a life that someone else determined for you. You do not have to live out the expectations of others, no matter how lofty or lowly. This is your time. This is your life, but before you can exert your power, you must choose to acknowledge it and walk in it. It's your choice.

Permanent Minded

There is always one area of our lives that is the least favorable for us to work on. We avoid it. We ignore it. We dread it. However, failure to work through that particular area is what prevents us from flourishing. If we would push ourselves out of the temporary, fearful, uncomfortable place, we could walk into a permanent, peaceful, healthy space.

In recent years there has been an area of my life that I avoided. I convinced myself that I could get by without working on it. My rationalizations were persuasive. It isn’t that important. I would never—no matter how hard I tried—reach a level of normalcy anyway. I deserve letting that one fall short because I have done so much work reconciling my childhood already.

The beautiful—and sometimes irritating—part of growing and being more authentic is that it eventually becomes impossible to brush off emotional deficiencies. Over time, we grow less satisfied letting areas in which we excel or have handled well compensate for areas we’ve hidden or neglected. Eventually, we can no longer ignore those gapping holes.

The more I grew, the more aware I became, and one day it was impossible for me to continue ignoring the gapping hole in my healing process. I freed myself to feel it and had the nerve to allow someone else to walk that journey with me. It was already scary, but it was increasingly unnerving because someone else was going there, too, and that's yet another source of difficulty—exercising trust and vulnerability. 

In the beginning, giving myself permission to be transparent didn’t seem to help. It actually seemed worse. Sadness crept up on me more often. I hadn’t felt that dependent or needy before opening up. I actually thought I’d regressed so I considered making changes to prevent the sad, dependent, and needy feelings from returning. I was certain I’d made a mistake and was actually mad at myself for thinking that I could discuss that area of my life and get better.

Even still, I couldn't forget how impossible it had become for me to overlook the holes in my emotional health. I forced myself to continue through that uncomfortable phase. What I realized was that I hadn't regressed. I hadn't made a mistake. I was being open about something I previously refused to acknowledge. Of course I had feelings! Working through those temporary feelings has given me permanent clarity. I've become aware and now understand that:

1. I will no longer make excuses or apologies for my feelings. 
2. I am no longer conditioned to suffer silently and alone.
3. I am no longer convinced that it is acceptable for me to be anything less than whole. 
4. I will no longer make a potentially permanent decision because on temporary feelings. 

Know that you are worth the work it takes to become whole. Recognize that how you feel at the start of a process is not a reflection of how you'll always feel. Push yourself out of the temporary, fearful, and uncomfortable places so that you can walk in a permanent, peaceful, and healthy space.