Sense of Self

I am a reformed trust tester. I would purposely share something relatively harmless—something that if my friends/test takers told someone else or didn't respond in a way that I deemed desirable wouldn't be soul crushing. While there is wisdom in being selective, I was testing people who had been in my life for more than a decade! I was testing people who had already proven that they were committed to the relationship. What I couldn't see was that my need to test revealed more about my inability to trust my own judgment and what I thought of myself than those I was testing.

Eventually, I transitioned and was no longer dropping pieces of my heart and seeing how those pieces were handled. I graduated to opening up and expectantly waiting for signs of abandonment. Any slight variation—and I didn't care how slight—in my interactions with others sent me heart first into an insecurity tailspin. My writer's imagination would go into hyperdrive. Scenarios filled my brain, all ending with me being deserted, explaining why our interactions changed. I expected others to walk away because that is what I felt I deserved. I expected them to be overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain because I was overwhelmed and exhausted with my pain. I expected others to treat me with the same impatience and harsh judgment that I reserved for myself. My relationships, no matter how strong or well-intentioned, could not grow until I dealt with the way that I related to myself.

It is vital to take a candid evaluation of your most important relationship. Elements of how you think of yourself are sprinkled throughout your life and your relationships with others are no exception. The health of all of your relationships is dependent on and intertwined with the health of your relationship with yourself. Essentially, your external relationships are a reflection and an extension of your internal health. When you have a healthy sense of self your relationships with others become stronger, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love because you are strong, genuine, and centered in authenticity and love.

Change Your Actions

One August afternoon, nearly twenty years ago, I was feeling happy and independent because my dad delivered a new-to-me car. I was leaving a church function when my car wouldn't start. My elation deflated. I went from feeling free to extremely dependent. My first thought was to keep trying and pray to the car gods to miraculously start it, but my dad's voice rang louder. I could hear him saying, "You'll flood it if you keep doing that!" Under normal circumstances turning the key in the ignition would start the car, but in this situation, turning the key would not give me my desired result. I needed to change my action in order to get the reaction I wanted.

We develop tactics to navigate through and cope with life. We may not be able to name or even identify our tactics, but we certainly have them. Some face challenges quickly and directly. Some use busyness and activities as distractions from reality. Others use laughter or a hard exterior as a means to convince people—including ourselves—that we are unaffected. Over time, our strategies require change. The strategies we've learned or chosen are no longer effective—and in some cases, never were—so we need to reevaluate. In order to get different reactions, we have to change our actions.

Have your days become filled with tiring repetition, leaving you disappointed and joyless? Change your actions. Have you lost the motivation to even hope for more or better or different? Change your actions. Have you convinced yourself that improvement is not possible? Change your actions. If what you've always done isn't working it is time to do something else. If what you've always said to yourself is no longer satisfying it is time to say something else. If the life you desire seems to grow more distant from where you are it is time to try something else. What do you have to lose besides what is no longer working for you? Stop turning a key in an ignition that isn't responding.

Accountability Partners

Someone I trust asked me a series of questions that left me tense and emotional. Her questions demanded more of me than most. She did not allow me to get away with what others do. My trust in her gave her the freedom to ask more of me and my commitment to personal development led me to fully engage in the conversation rather than retreat. 

One of the greatest benefits of relationships is obtaining accountability partners. In addition to being sources of encouragement, accountability partners guide us through phases of introspection, personal development, and emotional growth. Sadly, we have been told by others, taught by past hurts, or a combination of the two that we should not or cannot be vulnerable enough for an accountability partner. When asked about our dreams we allow insecurity to answer for us. When asked about our hopes we provide shallow explanations. When given the chance to be vulnerable we shut down. When insecurity answers for us, we cannot be truthful. When we only provide shallow explanations, we don't explore the deepest, most authentic parts of ourselves. When we shut down, we don't experience the beauty of trust. We prevent ourselves from the most meaningful aspects of relationships and from discovering the most powerful parts of ourselves.

The conversation I mentioned was uncomfortable. I didn't like how I felt nor did I like feeling that way in front of someone else. Yet I needed to experience it. My undeniable discomfort provided me with an awareness that I would not have discovered on my own. It took someone else—someone that I trust and someone with the strength to hold me accountable—to illustrate an area of my life that requires more of me, more conversation, more attention, and more work. 

Accountability partners are essential to your personal development and emotional growth. If you have been told or taught that you can't be vulnerable, learn a new lesson. If your insecurities speak louder than you do, strengthen your voice. If you have been too afraid to move beyond shallow conversation, push yourself to discover the deep end. If you have always shut down, it's time to open up. Don't miss out on one of the greatest benefits of human connection because of habit, temporary discomfort, and fear.

These Are the Times

Considering the end of the year approaching, I wanted to write something extra this week. I wanted to write something that was so positive that everyone who read it would leave feeling fully encouraged. I wanted to write a post that readers could tell their friends, "You have to see this!" I wanted to write a great message in preparation for the new year. However, if I'm being honest, 2014 knocked the wind out of me. Sure, there have been wonderfully fabulous times. I visited beautiful cities with the beautiful people with whom I share my life. I have grown stronger. I told my story publicly without turning into an emotional wreck. I have laughed loudly, eaten well, loved hard, and been extremely grateful. Still, this year has been a force. As I stare at this blinking cursor, I wonder where I will find enough encouragement and sunshine to share while I am yet trying to catch my breath.

In a dream world, when a new year starts, all that plagued you in the past ends. You hit a magic reset button with the flip of the calendar. This is life, though, and there is no reset button. Difficulty and uncertainty will try to cuddle up next to you and make themselves at home. Circumstances and challenges don't care about your resolutions or promises to get it right this time. Life is not interested in making you comfortable. Life is instead always leading you—leading you to become more than you imagine, with greater purpose than you believe, and with more love than you feel you deserve. For that reason, these times of uncertainty aren't intended to rock your foundation so hard that you give up. These are the times that rebuild that foundation and help you discover the truth. These are the times when you step out of the comfort of where and who you've always been and step closer to where and who you are destined to become. These are the times you evolve.

Even with all that you have to be grateful for, maybe you feel like this year, or even the last few years, have knocked the wind out of you. Maybe you discovered that someone who said s/he would always support you had conditions on that support. Maybe someone you love became ill or passed away. Maybe your sense of security or safety was shaken by a job loss or traumatic event. In either circumstance(s), these are the times when you rebuild your foundation. These are the times when you discover and affirm your truth. These are the times when you step out of what was and up toward who you were destined to become. These are the times when you catch your breath and take that first step.

The Power of Your Thoughts

Imagine having a friend who rarely has a kind word and constantly spews harsh criticism. Imagine every time you eat anything from a salad to a bowl of ice cream her saying, "You need to loose weight," or "You're so fat." Imagine how you would feel if when you saw someone you found attractive that friend telling you, "S/he couldn't possibly be interested in you. You'll be single forever." Imagine her telling you every morning, "You don't matter." Consider how you would feel about yourself hearing this friend say, "You're not good enough. Not for a better job. Not for a partner. Not for a life of meaning." How long would you allow her to be a part of your life? How long would it take before you kept your distance, stopped taking her calls, or simply told her to shut up?

This example seems extreme, but sadly, this kind of discouraging conversation is common. It may not reflect how any of your friends speak to you, but the sentiments are familiar because this is the same type of messaging that is allowed in your head. You wouldn't permit this kind of disregard from others, but what happens when the culprit of cruelty is you? Do you fully understand the magnitude of the damage you are doing to yourself? And if you do, are you ready to stop?

What you say to yourself is either working for you or against you. There is no middle ground. Your thoughts aren't without consequence or impact. Your thoughts have a direct influence because your future is scripted by your internal dialogue. You surround yourself with those who support your beliefs and those who do not support your beliefs are dismissed. You act in ways that confirm what you think. Essentially, what you tell yourself is how you live. You constantly seek confirmation on what you believe about yourself.

Your life is not over, too far gone, nor ruined. Stop telling yourself that! You are not worthless, broken, nor unlovable. Stop telling yourself that! Your desires are not silly, unattainable, nor impossible. Stop telling yourself that! You are afraid to believe the truth—that you have worth, that you are valuable, and that you deserve love—because you are afraid to hope. You have convinced yourself that it's better to not have expectations and be surprised than to have them and be disappointed. You have convinced yourself to live fearfully instead of fully. You have convinced yourself to avoid instead of accept.

If you want a different life, think differently. If you want to be better, think better thoughts. If you want to feel more fulfilled, focus your mind on fulfillment. Transformation is attainable when you are ready to acknowledge and manage your thoughts and what you believe about yourself.

Change the Script

Today I faced a situation that most find annoying and uncomfortable, yet for me, it had the potential to be emotional and traumatic. As I prepared for it I realized that I had two options—I could suffer through and beat myself up for it as I'd done in years past or I could change the script.

Life is filled with challenges and tests. We face realities associated with coincidences and fate. We live with the decisions of others and the consequences of our own choices. Whether we are coping with what has happened to us or through us, we are responsible for being healthy. We must make choices that will bring growth instead of sitting in solitude and unnecessarily suffering. We have to change the script.

Today I did something very difficult. I let go of my ego, pride, and stubborn will. I freed myself of this unhealthy, unrealistic, and counterproductive notion that somehow keeping my mouth shut meant I was stronger. I released the ridiculous belief that I deserved to take this situation on by myself. I decided I wanted normalcy more than I wanted what I always had. I changed the script.

Be bold enough, smart enough, and desire good health enough to make the switch from hoarding your hurt to actually helping yourself. If you are unsatisfied with how your life is playing out or the direction it is headed, change the script. If your life has been less than you imagined or you are on a roller coaster ride that you would rather get off of, change the script. If the words you tell yourself are discouraging rather than uplifting, change the script. Make sure that your narrative is true instead of comfortable, helpful instead of hurtful, and takes you where you desire to go instead of where you've always been. In order to change your life you may need to change the script.

Outside Influences

Details vary, but all of us have at least one long-term challenge that shapes our lives. Some battle chronic health issues, mental illness, depression, the effects of abuse, addiction, and/or a distorted sense of self. We have to accept our challenges and their impact before we can learn to cope and maneuver through the hurt and influence associated with them. Acceptance and coping can take years, but living past hurt can be even more complicated by outside influences.

How many times have you heard that time heals all wounds? People who love you say it. It's printed on posters and in memes. You may have even repeated it to yourself. That statement, and others like it, imply that simply crossing days off of a calendar can push you forward. Some struggles can't be abandoned. Some require more of you than walking away. Some require attention and tedious emotional work. Time passes and can lessen the sting, but without the emotional work, the passage of time will only serve as a mark of frustration and justification for impatience and self-loathing.

In addition to passively giving time the power that you possess, working through a complicated situation can be made more complex by others. It may be easy to walk away from those who don't play an important role in your life, but what happens when the ones causing you pain and frustration are relatives and friends? What do you do when your parent, sibling, cousin, or childhood friend refuses to accept what you need to heal or tramples over your boundaries?

You are responsible for not allowing the same people to hurt you in the same manner again and again. This can be difficult and demand skillful maneuvering. It may require repeated readjustments of expectations and more defined boundaries. Easy? Not at all. Necessary? Absolutely. Those who cannot respect your boundaries may need to be on the other side of those boundaries. You have enough to live through without carrying the weight of clichés and the expectations and desires of others on your back. Do the work to take care of you and the rest will take care of itself.