Change of Plans

Hoi An, Vietnam

When I was in sixth grade I pictured a future based on expectation. I pictured the husband, the smiling kids, the family pet, the house, and the cars and equated all of that to the good life. Even before I knew much of anything, I was certain that checking off marriage, motherhood, and material trappings meant I had arrived. As I grew older, reality rocked my expectations and set me on a path outside of what I thought was possible.

As I moved past the years of writing out kids’ names, I entered phases of writing out college, rental, and job applications. The life I envisioned in junior high school seemed far from where I was headed. My plans to marry that perfect man and have those smiling children faded. He—perfect husband—and they—smiling children—didn’t exist. What I was going to do with my life until they arrived turned into what I was going to do with my life even if they never arrived.

For some, the mere thought that they—the spouse and children—might never come ushers in uncomfortable and even painful emotions. For some, the disappointment feels tangible, something that embraces them and weighs heavily on their shoulders. To make matters worse, there are reminders everywhere. Go to the grocery store, the movies, the mall, the gym, an airport, or anywhere else besides your own residence and you’re sure to find couples and children reminding you of your singleness.

The reality is that not everyone will live out life the way the world—including self—expects. Not every little girl will grow up to get married, have children, and bake. Not every little boy will grow up to marry his college sweetheart, drive a convertible, and become the CEO of a company. Not everyone is in a loving relationship. Not every marriage will result in children. We have to create acceptable space for everyone because they represent people—people with challenges, heartache, emotions, and voids. People who deserve to be accepted, cared for, embraced, and loved. People who already have the difficult task of reconciling their lives for themselves. When we collectively exercise more tolerance and compassion for those not playing out societal or gender standards then we individually learn not to be unhealthily attached to those expectations.

I am not cloaked in disappointment. My life has flourished in ways that sixth grade Myla couldn’t fathom. Although I am fulfilled, I have had others try to place their expectations on me. Had I given them the power, I could have taken on that pressure and felt disappointed for not living differently. I could have allowed their lack of vision to cause me confusion and displeasure. Instead, I am grateful for all of my life stories. Those things that I didn’t plan for are the very ones that have given me the most. It was my unexpected freedom that has given me access to the most fulfilling, memorable, and life-changing experiences.

Even if life isn’t exactly how you perceived or envisioned, it’s not over. If you are still here, there is still more to do, see, experience, appreciate, and love. When we stop focusing on what hasn't happened, we can fully walk in the gratitude of what has. I may not have a husband or kids, but I can’t imagine my life being any better than it is right at this moment. I have seen sights most only see from afar. I laugh daily—and a lot! I have joy. I have peace. I have love. This may not be the life I planned, but it is the life I own, appreciate, take responsibility for, adore, and wouldn’t change. This isn’t the life I envisioned and I am so grateful because it is richer and fuller than my mind had the capacity to imagine. Instead of living according to the expectations of this world, I have been gifted with the opportunity to experience it.

Paris, France

Chennai, India

Langkawi Island, Malaysia

Doodle Again

I remember being in sixth grade writing out the names of the son and daughter I would have. Christian Jeremiah. Lauren Taylor. Christian Jeremiah. Lauren Taylor. Christian Jeremiah. Lauren Taylor. I didn’t consider it abnormal. The notebooks of many junior high school students were filled with doodles and notes that distracted us from class. Young girls wrote out our children’s names, carefully constructed our crush’s name with hearts around it, and if our crush lasted for more than three weeks, we combined our first name with his last name to see them together. While it’s extremely amusing, it’s also admirable. Back then, before doubt and disbelief dictated our actions, we put our dreams on paper. We wrote out our wishes and mediated on them. We weren’t ashamed to dream nor embarrassed to be excited. As we grew older, reality intruded, choked out some of our enthusiasm, and we stopped having the confidence and nerve to write out the names of our dreams.

Decades past my days in middle school you might be surprised to know that I still doodle. I still write out names repeatedly. You will not find me drawing hearts or combining my first name with someone else’s last name, but I do write out the names of those I carry with me—those who don’t exist somewhere in the future, but who live in my every day. When I think of my loved ones, I write down their names and that simple, seemingly insignificant action reminds me to remain present. In the moment it takes me to write out their names I think of why they are important to me and am filled with gratitude. I am excited and energized because I have their love and merely seeing their names on paper fortifies those positive feelings. 

The lesson to be learned from our sixth grade doodling is that we can experience encouragement and excitement by naming our dreams. There is empowerment in repeatedly naming our dreams and writing and reading what is important to us. Start doodling again. You may not have the same experience I have by writing out the names of those I love, but there is a great benefit in seeing what has personal significance to you on paper. Name your dreams. Write your heart’s desires. Write out your goals. Write down the name of the country you’ve always wanted to visit. Write down the job title you would like to have. Write out a plan for improving your life. Simply write what immediately comes to your mind. Look at what you write. Focus on it. Allow yourself to get excited about it. Just give yourself the space and freedom to doodle again.

The Road

I was driving through an unfamiliar city, dependent on my GPS to lead the way. When I made a right turn as instructed, I found myself on Road. No name, just Road. I was confident that even without an official name, I was going in the right direction because I trusted my GPS to guide me to my intended destination. However, not being able to name my location made me consider how we approach uncertainty. How do we handle moving forward without knowing exactly where we are?

There will be times when we have to make a decision—take a turn—that is for our ultimate good without having the entire roadmap in view. We may have to relocate, go back to school, end a relationship, embark on a new career path, start an exercise regiment, or develop a financial plan. Taking that first step is often the hardest. Even knowing that change will allow us to live fully, or at least to live better, fear of that road with no name can bring so much stress and anxiety that we refuse make that turn.

We all have an internal GPS. Most of us have convinced ourselves that it’s faulty because of a few bad choices. However, the GPS isn't faulty. We fluctuate between refusing to follow its directions, being too distracted to listen, or trying to use it in a manner that it wasn't intended. GPS was built to guide you, not to drive for you. It was designed to direct you as you travel, not after you've already arrived. Your internal GPS was created to take you forward, not in reverse.

No matter how anxiety-causing, unnerving, and scary progression can be, we need to exercise trust that we’ll arrive at our destination and not be detoured because of fear. Trust your internal GPS to give you direction and trust yourself enough to hear it correctly. The greatest benefit to driving down a road with no name is that you can name it. As you travel toward your best life, you can call the road whatever you need to in order to encourage yourself. Continue following the road, even if for a moment it curves, dips, and has no name.

Triggers

Three years ago I developed a recurring and annoying condition that causes my rib cage to swell. Although harmless, when it flares moving and breathing becomes uncomfortable. As a result, I am cognizant of my physical activity and try not to lift anything heavy. Being careful with my body movements to avoid a physical reaction led me to consider how careful I am when it comes to my mental health. How intentional am I in preventing an emotional reaction?

All of us have triggers that connect us to a memory. We could be triggered by a location, song, name, or even a scent. Some connect us to happy, favorable memories. Some are tied to harsh, painful ones. In the case of the more difficult triggers, some aren’t avoidable. In those instances, it’s vital to have healthy coping strategies to counter the negative association. The other types of triggers, ones we can prevent from intruding in our lives, give us more control if we are willing to take it.

There was a time when I discovered my negative triggers, but I didn’t avoid them. The reasons varied. Sometimes I was testing my strength. Sometimes I was being defiant. Sometimes I was being naive. Sometimes I was just being dumb. Either way, I had to reach a point where it wasn’t worth risking activating an emotional breakdown for the sake of being strong, defiant, naive, or dumb.

We should not toy with negative emotional triggers. It can be a dangerous game. Some of us—like I once was—are less than careful with emotional health. Some of us jump into romantic relationships with those who have personality traits that trigger unhealthy behaviors, but we do it anyway. Some of us are out of control when we consume alcohol or take drugs, but we do it anyway. Some of us are all too familiar with what a visit to a certain city or with certain friends will do, but we do it anyway.

We all have to learn to take better preventative care of ourselves. Just as I try to ensure that I don’t trigger a recurring physical condition, I also need to be intelligent about my emotional and mental health. It’s not worth the risk to use strength testing, walking in defiance, being naive, or anything else as an excuse to be lax with my emotional health.

What are you willingly picking up and carrying around that is an emotional trigger for you? Become aware of the triggers in your life so that you can learn how to eliminate or reduce their influence. It is your responsibility to take excellent care of you, in your entirety. Stop willingly lifting things that are too heavy and too painful for you to carry.

You Have Worth

Words absolutely do have meaning. The phrases that we say to ourselves carry significant weight. Don’t believe me? Think about those miraculous days when your hair fully cooperates, your clothes fit exquisitely, your color scheme accentuates your skin tone, and that spritz of cologne/perfume sets everything off perfectly. You look in the mirror, smile, and say, “I look good!” That short realization changes your mind. You walk with your head held high. Confidence oozes from the rhythm of your stride. You smile more. You feel better. All from a single acknowledgement. One positive, encouraging, affirming statement influences your walk and what you think of yourself. Imagine what has happened internally as a result of the messages you have been telling yourself, day after day, for years. What do you say most often? Think about it for a moment.

I wish I was prettier.

I’m fat.

I’m lazy.

I’m not smart.

I hate my thighs/nose/height.

Whether you realize it or not, the messages you replay in your mind influence you. They impact the way you walk and how often you smile, but even more vital is that what you tell yourself dictates what you think you deserve. It’s not enough to walk with your head held high only on the days you feel like being kind to yourself. It’s not enough to only smile on the days you feel extra attractive. It’s not enough to accept the least that people give because that’s what you have convinced yourself that you deserve. No matter how attractive, smart, or deserving you feel, that does not equate to worthiness. Your worth is not conditional. You are worth positive reinforcement, kindness, and love simply because you exist.

Most have been hearing and telling themselves cruel messages for years. If that’s you, let’s start with something simple. If you have difficulty complimenting yourself then start by saying, “I have worth.” You don’t need a reason or a justification. You don’t need to add anything more. Simply put, you have worth.

You, yes you, have worth. Even in your non-perfect, still improving state, you have worth. Even if you want to lose weight, gain some muscle tone, or grow your hair out, you have worth. Even if you want to, but haven’t become a spouse, a parent, or a college graduate, you have worth. Even if your family constantly compares you to someone else, your friends seem to have more of life figured out, or you can’t seem to get out of a slump, you have worth. No matter how far you feel from your goals, what others have said about you, or how others have treated you, you still and always will have worth. Make sure that the messages you tell yourself, the phrases you replay in your mind, confirm your worth instead of chipping away at it, one negative comment at a time.

Love Yourself Enough

I’ve always held a high regard for my relationships. They are one of the aspects of life that I find the most beautiful and sustaining. When my father died, one of my closest relationships abruptly ended and processing that has been more than difficult. It has stretched my emotional strength beyond comprehension. It has changed me.

Like most who grieve I withdrew. I needed some time to not have to express myself. I needed time to avoid answering, “How are you?” Some gave me space. Some reached out more. Some gave me so much space that I find it nearly impossible to fill it again. While I have learned about my relationships with others—who stepped up, who stepped out, and who is somewhere in between—one valuable lesson I learned was the importance of one relationship I hadn’t considered. I was failing to take care of me. I couldn’t check out from myself. I couldn’t give myself space. Those were not options. I needed to deal with me. 

Having the support of others is vital and I have been tremendously blessed with loving and strong relationships. However, there were still some things that I needed to do. I made a commitment to myself years ago. Even if I had an off day, even during difficult times, even when I felt broken, I was always—and still am—responsible for me. No matter what others provided, whether wonderful or questionable, I remained responsible for me. I still had to make good choices, learn from my experiences, and love myself enough to work through the pain.

You may be facing a difficult situation or in the middle of a challenging transition. Whether you have the support of many or a few, you still have a part to play in your process. It is not easy and at times, it may feel impossible. Yet it is always in your benefit to love yourself enough to put in the work. Love yourself enough to exercise patience. Love yourself enough to ask for help. Love yourself enough to stand up. Love yourself enough to commit to your healing. Love yourself enough to be your advocate. Love yourself enough to be honest. Love yourself enough to provide the same level of support that you have provided to your loved ones. Love yourself enough.

It's Not Political, It's Personal

Relocating from Indianapolis to Kalamazoo left me without a television for seven days. I didn’t find it catastrophic, but I did miss my daily morning news fix. Now that I’m more informed in the mornings I wonder if I wasn’t saved some heartache last week. After tuning back in I’ve found that the political spin taking place on social issues has made me question the soul of this country.

There are several public debates taking place about extremely private issues. Laws are being considered that will impact personal freedoms. These freedoms are being questioned based on religious beliefs and morality. I have purposefully refrained from publicly expressing my stance on these volatile issues, but I believe that we all have the right to mandate our behavior based on religious beliefs. Yet when government makes following a religious belief a matter of law it is no longer personal and belief no longer dictates behavior. The avoidance of breaking federal law dictates behavior, not the desire to be moral. More importantly, though, our choice to conduct ourselves under the direction of religious doctrine does not include forcing that same doctrine on others. Where is the choice and love in that?

It grieves me to think that those proposing such monumental changes will never be directly impacted by them. They will never be denied equal rights and benefits because of who they love. They will never have to testify in front of a room full of people about the worst moment of their lives. They will never have to live in the jarring reality of life after a rape resulting in pregnancy. How is it then that they have the right to make that decision for those who will? 

No matter what I elect to dictate my choices, I cannot justify mandating my behavior, lifestyle, and actions on anyone else, let alone the rest of the country. I am deeply saddened to see such emotional issues driving so many apart instead of binding us together. We’ve stepped back in time to incorporate different forms of ‘acceptable’ discrimination and tell an entire gender that they can’t, aren’t smart enough, or can’t be trusted enough to make their own decisions. I thought history taught us better and hoped we simply knew better.

Voting on these issues will impact an election, but they’ll impact the lives of our friends, neighbors, coworkers, siblings, daughters, sons, and grandchildren more. The outcome will mark a significant change in our country’s history, but will also determine the direction of our future. These debates will have political implications, but the personal ones are far greater. I am so grieved because I don’t have to quote some convincing statistic or read a catchy headline to place a face with a story. I already lived the story with people I love. I know those who do not have equal rights, who have been raped—and can adequately define it without the help of someone who hasn’t—and who have raised children resulting from rape. When I think of the choices that have or could have been stripped from them, in addition to the choices they’ve already lost, it hurts my heart. These potential policy changes aren’t political, they are personal. Extremely personal. For all of those I love and admire I am going to vote, but I may have to turn off the news until November if I am to hold on to the hope that we will grow into ‘the land of the free and the home of the brave’.

This isn’t intended to be a political post, just one that will encourage thoughtful reflection. One that will lead us to ask some fundamental questions about intention and truth. One that will help us to understand that hurting individuals hurts us collectively.