Moving Beyond 'No'

It takes courage to pursue a new opportunity. You have to convince yourself that trying is worth the risk of rejection. When you take that risk, get your hopes up, and it doesn’t work out, disappointment invites itself over and becomes a clingy boyfriend/girlfriend. Disappointment is a common experience, but it is one none of us welcomes or enjoys. However, disappointment does have its place in our lives. Our challenge is to take the lesson disappointment comes to teach and not cling to the negativity and fear that often results.

Last year I pursued an opportunity that I considered to be the next logical step in my professional career. I was sure—and I mean sure—that when I decided to go for it, everything would work out. Imagine my surprise when that opportunity was given to someone else. I was shocked, really, but I came home and asked myself, ‘What is the lesson I am supposed to learn?’

After doing some introspection I realized something extremely beneficial. When we are disappointed either two things can happen: we can let the fear of being disappointed again run our lives and lead us to chase complacency or we can accept that we’ve felt disappointment and it wasn’t the worst life occurrence. The sky didn’t come crashing down. Our loved ones didn’t stop loving us. We didn’t stop breathing. We still had tomorrow and when there’s tomorrow, there’s hope. I choose to hope. In fact, being told ‘no’ actually freed me. I realized I had already been rejected. What harm would there be in going for something I really wanted? What would happen if I put myself out there and tried to go for the gusto? Having been told ‘no’ for the safe opportunity made me feel that I could go for the larger-than-life opportunity. I could be told ‘no’ again and be left with what I currently had—a pretty good life. At the same time, there was hope that I could also be told ‘yes.’ What did I really have to lose?

The day I found out I wasn’t going to get the logical, safe, comfortable, and low-risk opportunity I was disappointed. No question. Today, I understand why I needed to be disappointed. That opportunity was not for me and had I been offered it, I would not have had the courage to pursue more. Temporary disappointment can occur when we are limiting ourselves. We often pursue a slight increase when life could be leading us to an enormous one. Don’t be your own speed bump. Don’t allow past disappointment or fear of future disappointment control your actions or limit your vision. Instead, allow yourself to dream larger. You’ve survived disappointment before. If it happens again, you’ll make it. Sometimes we have to be told ‘no’ in order to get the ‘yes’ that is truly meant for us.

On August 21, I am setting sail for a journey around the world! I will be the alumni & development coordinator for Semester At Sea's fall 2011 voyage. I will leave from Montreal and go to Morocco, Ghana, South Africa, Mauritius, India, Malaysia, Vietnam, Hong Kong, China, Japan, Hawaii, Costa Rica, and Cuba. Had I not been told no last year I wouldn't be sailing around the world this year. Sometimes no is best!

Audacity

Ziplining in Belize

Audacity. Nerve. Courage. No matter what you call it, we all need audacity in order to live well. Unfortunately, some of us think that we don’t have the right to be bold or we don’t possess what it takes to live courageously. The truth is we already have everything within us to live life with bravado. We all have the capacity to be greater than we’ve ever been. Some of us simply need to change our minds.

Everything we want to accomplish begins with a thought. Before we apply for a job we have to believe that we are capable of performing the required tasks. Before we start a new friendship we have to tell ourselves that we are worthy of a new friend. Before we pursue any goal we must persuade ourselves that we have what we need in order to reach it. Sadly, many of us don’t believe we are capable, worthy, or sufficient because we feed ourselves doubt and fear instead of encouragement and gumption.

Our internal dialogue is vital to our level of success, how we feel about ourselves, and our mental stability. When faced with new opportunities, what do you tell yourself? Do you automatically list why you should not apply for that job or rationalize why that friendship will not work or convince yourself that your goals are too haughty? I challenge you to change your mind. Life will not always be unkind or unfavorable to you. Instead of convincing yourself that an opportunity will not work, give yourself room to imagine more. Allow yourself to embrace possibility instead of clutching fear. The same amount of energy and creativity it takes to imagine the worst is what is required to visualize the best. Believe that you have the capacity to be greater than you’ve ever been and then give yourself permission to live your life with some audacity.

Declaration of Independence

As we celebrate America’s independence this week it is equally important to reflect and consider our personal victories and freedoms. Each of us has had to work to evolve into the person that stands today. For some the work consisted of earning an education, securing a job, and taking care of family. Others have had much more colorful journeys sprinkled with pain, loss, illness, abuse, and/or self-destructive behavior. No matter where your story falls, it is often helpful to take a moment to recognize—or maybe even declare for the first time—your independence from being ruled by negativity or a low sense of self-worth.

Most know whether they are an optimist or a pessimist. Some are prone to redirecting every situation toward the positive side of life and can find purpose in anything. Others are determined to use any negative or unfavorable circumstance as proof that the world is cruel and unforgiving. While I have witnessed and experienced situations that reflect more heartbreak and senselessness than most are aware, I maintain a belief that we have the ability to set the course of our lives by developing mental resilience, a hope-filled outlook, and loving ourselves enough to refuse anything less than love, respect, and support from others.

You may not be exactly where you’d like to be, but you are most certainly not where you were ten, five, or even two years ago. Maybe you can only see what you haven’t done or where your life has deficiencies and lack. Maybe you feel like where you are isn’t remotely close to what you pictured. The good news is that as long as there’s tomorrow, there’s hope. As long as there’s tomorrow, you can free yourself from whatever has previously held you back. As long as there’s tomorrow, you have the option to live a life independent of negative thoughts, unfulfilled relationships, and some of the side effects lingering from your past.

Make your own declaration of independence. This time next year, when you sit with family and friends to celebrate another year of America’s independence, you can also celebrate an independence of your own. You may have freed yourself from the presence of negative people, reduced or stopped your own negative self-talk, refused to allow fear to make decisions for you, or simply loved yourself enough to require more than what you previously permitted. When we make a conscious effort to free ourselves from negativity we gain the courage to pursue a life of fullness and satisfaction, and there is nothing more liberating than living life with joyful anticipation.

Release Fear and Embrace Friendship

Fear is a natural emotion tied to uncertainty. When life pushes us into unfamiliar territory we feel anxious and unsettled. Experiencing fear is normal, but being ruled by it is not. There are countless situations that elicit fear, but one we often face comes with the development of a new relationship. We mentally rehearse moments when we were hurt by someone close to us and steer clear of doing anything to replicate those circumstances. Some of us conclude that we were hurt because we were open and vow not to be open again.

There was a time when I was thoroughly convinced that I didn’t need any new friends. I told myself that my circle of friends was so solid and proven that I had everyone I needed. I wasn’t opposed to meeting new people, but I was certain that any new friendships would be surface-level only. I wouldn’t open up. Newcomers weren't allowed into my intimate heart space. I refused to give anyone the potential to hurt me. When I realized what I was up to—an avoidance of hurt—I understood my trepidation had more to do with fear than a strong friendship circle. My reasoning was ridiculous and extremely limiting. I knew that if I didn’t change I would ultimately reduce the amount of love I welcomed into my life.

When I got to the root of my erroneous thinking, I could no longer operate under the same assumptions. I was no longer convinced that no one else was meant to walk into my life and into that personal space that I’d worked so hard to protect. I stopped looking at new friendships through lenses of fear, hesitation, and doubt. Since becoming more open and less fearful, I’ve gladly discovered new relationships that have brought me joy and remind me of my purpose. I’ve also learned that I am a much better friend and person when I free myself from behavior designed to prevent imagined hurt. When we haul fear into new relationships we assign disappointment and hurt to someone who has not earned it and we fail to experience the full benefit of that relationship. We should never hold our fears so tightly that we aren’t able to embrace the power and value of a meaningful friendship.

Give Me An E!

Have you ever met someone who is rarely excited? You ask how life is and the response is the verbal equivalent of a shrug. You are tempted to shake his/her shoulders and check for a pulse. You want to shout, “It’s your life. If you don’t get excited about it then no one else will!” Maybe you haven’t met anyone like that. Maybe that someone is you. If it is, we have work to do.

While I would argue that being alive is reason enough, some of us erroneously believe that if our lives aren’t exciting—which is a relative term—then we have no reason to be excited. That is planning backwards. It is impossible to build an exciting life without first ushering excitement into your life. In other words, you can’t live an exciting life if you aren’t first excited about your life.

Do you look at others and think, ‘Man, if I had a life like that then I’d be excited’? Why wait until then? Prior to your favorite athletes, singers, actors, or whoever reached that lifestyle they had some ho-hum days. It may have taken years of working a job they weren’t crazy about, years of pressing through a performing arts school, or countless auditions and rejections before you knew their names. Yet, they did not quit. You know why? Because they were excited about what was possible. They were excited about their future. They were excited before the call came in to say that their lives would change. They had an internal anticipation of more, bigger, and better, and that anticipation was enough to lead them to take action. They didn’t wait until their lives got exciting; they made their lives exciting. Their exciting external life was first initiated by an exciting internal life—not the other way around.

If you think your life is lacking excitement maybe it’s really an issue with your level of internal energy. Excitement has to start from within. You can’t wait for something to fall in your lap in order for you to get excited and enthusiastic about your own life. An excitement defibrillator will not miraculously descend upon you. Take charge of your future by getting excited about your life!

Breaking Barriers

More years ago than I care to admit, I told my parents that I wanted to spend a semester living on a ship, sailing around the world. I can’t remember their initial reactions, but I imagine they were both proud and extremely curious. No one I knew had ever done anything like it—not even close! Besides fighting in a war, no one in my family had even traveled outside of the country. I’m sure they wondered where I got the nerve to think that I could do something so unusual and so fantastic.

I believe that every one of us has at least one opportunity to do or become something greater than what we’ve been exposed to or have personally witnessed. Your concept of doing greater could be to start your own company, pursue a creative career, research a cure for a debilitating disease, travel the world, or start a non-profit organization. No matter what, you are absolutely equipped and able to live a life outside of the norm and more than your surroundings have offered you. If you dream of becoming the first person in your family or neighborhood, or even the first person of your ethnic background, religion, or gender to accomplish a goal, there’s a reason why you’ve been entrusted with that particular goal. Someone needs to break that barrier and it’s quite possible that that someone is you!

Fortunately, my dream of sailing around the world did come true. Had I focused on the fact that no one I knew had ever done so, I could have allowed my excitement to give way to anxiety and missed out on one of the most influential experiences of my life. You don't need anyone to go before you to clear the way or give you permission to live out your dream. When it comes to breaking down barriers someone always has to be first. Why not you? Release yourself from the limiting idea that because no one in your family, from your side of town, with your last name, of your ethnicity, or of your gender hasn’t accomplished something that it indicates or predicts your level of greatness. You are an individual. You determine how far you can go. Besides, someone has to be first. You might as well be the one.

Get in the Game

We are given countless opportunities to watch others put it all on the line. That's why singing and dancing competitions and sporting events are so popular. We love to witness the emotion that results from the culmination of years of determination play out in front of us. It's compelling, entertaining, thrilling, and gratifying to experience victory. Celebrating the success of others is fantastic, but when was the last time you believed in yourself with the same fervor, intensity, and confidence? When was the last time you actually put it all on the line?

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I love, love, love the NCAA men's basketball tournament. I cheer, talk trash, make predictions, and anxiously await the outcomes. As much as I love March Madness I would do myself a major injustice being more enthusiastic about a basketball tournament than I am about improving my life. After all the games end and the tournament is over, I am still left with me. I cannot exert more excitement and exuberance over something I enjoy than I exert trying to ensure my own victories.

I'm not at all suggesting that it's wrong to be excited at the success of others, but everything needs proper perspective. Consider your own talents, skills, purpose, and life track. What have you done and are actively doing to put it all on the line to ensure your success? Instead of observing others pour out their heart and soul and cheering them on begin to use some of that same energy to pour your heart and soul and cheer yourself on. Don't reserve all of your fanatical zeal for your favorite singer, dancer, athlete, or team. Live joy and exhilaration on your own behalf. Put it all on the line for your life. Stop being a spectator. It's time for you to get in the game.