The Truth

Traffic was unusually heavy on my way home one evening because of a festival. As I looked ahead, the closer the exits approached downtown, the more congested the exit ramps became. I had a decision to make. I could continue to inch along for the next few miles or I could exit early and drive through the neighborhood. Regardless of what I chose, the traffic had already impacted my ride home. My decision would influence how much later I would arrive, but it would not reverse or change the truth that I'd been stuck in traffic.

Circumstances can cause us to feel stuck, like we are left with little to no options. We all face life's traffic jams that require us to make decisions. We can remain in our traffic—the things that didn't go as planned, the hurtful things others have said and done, the poor choices we made, and the choices someone else made that affected us—and tell the stories repeatedly. We tell these stories because they give us comfort. We repeat these stories because we believe that they justify why we haven't reached our destinations of peace, joy, and fulfillment.

You may feel like your life has turned into one big traffic jam. You feel stagnant, as if you aren't moving forward and you can't start over. You may have a history filled with rationale on why you took the path you took. Your childhood may have been less than stellar. Your romantic relationships might mirror slapstick comedies more than a moving romance. Your professional career may be inconsistent and uninspiring, but all of that exists in yesterday. As long as your internal dialogue is focused on what was, your external life can't become what's possible. Your stories should be used help you process, not hinder your progress. Truth is meant to liberate and bring clarity, not to keep you confined and clouded. Don't use the truth as an excuse.

Becoming

Between the ages of fifteen and twenty-three we are bombarded with future-focused questions. Well-intentioned family and friends ask what we would like to study, what universities we’re applying to, and what we would like to do for the rest of our lives. These questions are appropriate and can help young people place some attention on the next phase of life. The problem is we are conditioned to focus on acquiring. We want to acquire a degree, a job, and/or a career. We want these things because they lead to more things—clothes, jewelry, a house, cars, vacations, etc. However, fulfillment is not in acquiring, fulfillment is in becoming.

Financial gain and status can enhance quality of life. Liberty can be found in having. Its greatest benefit is the freedom to make choices instead of having them made for you. Excess provides access. Yet there are also trappings found in having and without a proper foundation, the stressors choke the freedom. Our goal should not be to acquire. Our goal should be to become.

There is nothing wrong with niceties. There is nothing wrong with wanting material things. Yet when the majority of our energy is spent chasing a status and stuff we open ourselves up to disappointment, frustration, and discontent because we are chasing a moving target, one that will never bring satisfaction, no matter how much we amass. Our primary goal is externally focused so we are internally disconnected. The good news is that we don't have to remain disconnected. The moment we decide we prefer fulfillment over fillers, we can shift our attention from acquiring to becoming—becoming better, becoming fulfilled, and becoming authentic. When we focus on becoming we can't help but attract and attach ourselves to the benefits associated with being our best.

Read last week's post, Work Through Your Fears.

Tell Yourself

Friday morning I got in a cab and headed to the airport. Once I arrived, my cab driver didn't have enough cash to give me change nor could he process a credit card payment. I ran into the airport only to discover that the ATM was out of money. I would have to find another ATM in order to pay my fare, but that meant I could be charged extra for the mileage and time. Still, I walked out thinking, "It doesn't matter. You're going to Spain today."

After finding an ATM and paying the taxi driver, I checked in for my flight. It was delayed, and continued to be delayed, for two hours. I am pretty good at passing time, but the airport I flew out of had less activity than I have in my apartment. Plus, I was facing an eight-hour flight so I didn't want to waste my reading and writing on the ground. Instead of grunting I told myself, "It doesn't matter. You're going to Spain today."

While it is great that I didn't get frazzled by the elongated cab ride, flight delays, or nearly missing my flight from Madrid to Santander--another blog for another time--what if I wasn't going to Spain that day? What if on a typical Friday I was met with challenges and delays out of my control? Did I need something as big and unusual as a 4,000 mile trip to help me keep life in perspective?

Life often presents us with detours and speed bumps. Even when we have done all we can to prepare and anticipate challenges, circumstances out of our control jerk us into back-up plans and at times, we need to create a back-up for our back-up. What mantra do you tell yourself to get you through the uncertain times? How do you encourage yourself through challenges and maintain proper perspective?

On Friday I was able to get through 24-hours of traveling hiccups and changes by telling myself I was going to Spain, but on a normal day, when I am simply planning to go to work, buy groceries, cook dinner, and pay bills, it is even more important for me to have a mantra to get through issues in the office, the sad phone call, unexpected expenses, health concerns, or rejection. In order to keep challenges in perspective I need to keep what is more important in my life at the forefront of my mind. While I spent more time in a cab and more money on the outbound trip than I expected, I still had the ability to travel. Although my flight didn't leave at the time it was scheduled, I was still going to have an amazing experience in country I'd never visited. Even though my day did not go exactly as planned, the end result was the same--I was going to embark upon a life-changing journey. How wasteful and sad would it have been if I allowed my journey to be hindered before it fully began?

Your journey is filled with a range of experiences. There will be excited times when you greatly anticipate what life has in store. There will be times when you are thankfully reaping the benefits of good decisions and hard work. There will also be times when you gracefully live out greatness when your choices could have warranted less. Just as often there will be moments when you are unsure, thrown off course, confused, and upset. Difficulty and relentless struggle can seem to follow you more closely than your shadow. You may feel stagnant and like you cannot make progress no matter what you do. During these challenging periods it is more important than ever that you remember not to lose focus or faith. You cannot spend more energy on 200 difficult miles of your journey when there's 4,000 miles in total. Do not get caught up in the preliminary pieces and uncertain moments when greatness lies just beyond your fears. Tell yourself, it doesn't matter. You are intended for more joy, fulfillment and love today, and it all begins with the messages you tell yourself and believe.

Back to Basics

At some point most of us have assumed that a simplistic life is forced on others, not chosen. I know I did. Even worse, I thought that those with a collection of things—a large house, luxury cars, name-brand suits, and matching accessories—were the ones who had what I should seek. They represented the freedom of purchasing power and I believed that equated to success. In my adolescent mind, those without had to live without. I never considered that they elected to have less in order to gain more. 

I recently spent a few hours at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit in Conyers, Georgia, and it was an inspiring experience. The architecture and landscaping was stunning. Combined with seclusion, fresh air, and a gorgeous blue sky, it was hard not to feel at peace. It wasn’t long before I fully understood why monks opted to live a simple life. After letting go of the notion that simplicity isn’t always the equivalent of plain, backward, or ordinary, I saw their lives in their entirety. The simplistic lifestyle of a monk represented all of the ‘things’ I now strive for—purity, honesty, clarity, and peace.

Those with the wisdom to commit to a disciplined, contemplative life of community, service, and solitude gift themselves with the life that most of us reserve for special occasions. We plan elaborate vacations and sabbaticals to take a break from the trappings associated with the life that we claim to want. What if we could live in the same level of renewal and peace that we only occasionally think is important? What if we lived our lives with a constant focus on inner peace? What would we usher into our every day? Fulfillment? Freedom? Peace? While I'm not ready to become a monk I certainly understand the allure. After just a few hours observing their lifestyle and witnessing the light in their eyes, I have a deeper understanding of their motivation and a renewed desire to acquire less by becoming more.

Trust Yourself

I’d heard and read about Jeremy Lin, point guard for the New York Knicks, all week. Every report and story referred to him as a basketball phenom so I had to see if his game was worthy of the hype. I watched highlights from a recent game and was thoroughly impressed with his athleticism, court vision, accuracy, and energy. Although his statistics were outstanding, I was even more amazed with his tenacity.

Despite his consistency and record-breaking performances Lin has clearly been overlooked. He wasn’t offered an athletic scholarship after high school and did not get drafted into the National Basketball Association (NBA) when he graduated from college. He could have used disappointment as an excuse to fail. He could have used the lack of interest from coaches as rationale to stop believing. He could have walked away from his dream. Fortunately, Lin trusted himself more than he trusted the rejection.

Goals are not achieved instantly. Fulfilling your life’s work requires work. It demands that you accept, commit, accomplish, and dedicate yourself repeatedly. People may convince you that you aren’t where you need to be or that you aren’t good enough. The passage of time may suggest that you’re too late. Circumstances may whisper that you should give up or put some energy into “plan b”. After not getting an athletic scholarship and not being drafted into the NBA I’m sure Lin had moments of doubt. I’m sure someone mentioned the need for him to explore other options. On the days when he was passed over I’m sure he was frustrated. Yet he chose to focus on the end goal instead of the uncertainty. He trusted himself more than he trusted his circumstances.

What is your life goal? What sustains your spirit more than anything? What makes you feel the most alive? Don’t be afraid of it and don’t be afraid to believe. Make the commitment to walk into your purpose, not away from it. No matter how hard you have to work. No matter who else doesn’t believe. No matter what temporary circumstances imply. Trust in the strength of your purpose. Trust that you can live the life you envision. Trust yourself more than fear. Everything is possible.

Get Real

Before we can experience true success we have to be honest with ourselves. That may seem like a no-brainer, but many of us waste energy and time chasing a job or an idea instead of chasing our dream. Chasing our dream is hard enough already with fear and doubt trying to clog our minds. We should not complicate matters by being untruthful with ourselves.

Just two years ago I was excited to start graduate school. I’d spoken to someone from admissions, researched the requirements, and started the application process. This may not surprise those of you who know that I graduated recently, but what you may find surprising is that I was preparing to start a master’s program in business, not in English. My undergraduate degree was in business so it seemed logical to pursue an advanced degree in business. The problem with this rationale is that I was making a decision based on a choice I’d made at eighteen-years-old. I failed to consider all that had happened in my life since I received my first degree. I didn’t think about how much I had changed since then. I was ignoring the sense of purpose I’d found in creative writing. I allowed the pursuit of a job to lead my actions instead of allowing the pursuit of self-fulfillment to direct my path.

I would like to encourage you to be your own advocate. Be honest with yourself when it comes to making major life decisions. Ask yourself a few key questions and don’t be afraid to be truthful. Is the direction you’re headed pointing you closer to your ultimate goal? Are you pursuing your purpose? Are you doing all you can to ensure your success or are you simply hoping for the best? Is your behavior indicative of your desire? 

I called a close friend and told her that I was preparing to start my MBA. Instead of being excited for me she asked, “Myla, in ten years, will you still be satisfied knowing that you have an MBA?” Without hesitation I said, “No.” She then asked, “Then why are you getting an MBA?” I was getting an MBA because I thought it was what I should do in order to get a job. She and I had been friends entirely too long for me to give her that weak answer, but that weak answer satisfied me because I wasn’t being honest with myself. I got so caught up in the activity of applying to graduate school that I didn’t bother asking if I was making the right choice. I am relieved and so happy that all of my MBA talk halted that day. Ask the questions. Get real in your answers. You’ll be so glad you did.