Beauty Remains

I took a quick road trip over the weekend and what I saw was stunning. As I rounded corners and came over hills, incredible ocean and mountain views seemed to rise from nowhere. Before I even reached my destination, my trip was worth it.

I took the same route on my way back home, yet what I saw was drastically different. Rather than green hills, the rolling blue ocean and dancing sun rays, there was vast darkness. The beauty hadn't disappeared. The grand mountains and the majestic ocean remained, but under the night sky, all I could see was massive emptiness.

Beauty surrounds us, but it is not always obvious. Circumstances can alter our perspective, distorting sources of beauty and blocking others. Major life changes—illness, divorce, the death of a loved one, etc.—can shake our core, making beauty difficult to recognize under the darkness of our emotion. Even when we can't see it, beauty remains. We may need to simply continue on our journey, round the next corner, go over the next hill, or wait until the rise of the sun to see it, but beauty remains. It never leaves. There is beauty in every season. There is beauty in every breath. There is beauty in hope. There is beauty in love. There is beauty in life. We are surrounded by beauty, created in beauty, and made up of beauty. Despite our placement, circumstances, and life changes, beauty remains.

Change the Script

Today I faced a situation that most find annoying and uncomfortable, yet for me, it had the potential to be emotional and traumatic. As I prepared for it I realized that I had two options—I could suffer through and beat myself up for it as I'd done in years past or I could change the script.

Life is filled with challenges and tests. We face realities associated with coincidences and fate. We live with the decisions of others and the consequences of our own choices. Whether we are coping with what has happened to us or through us, we are responsible for being healthy. We must make choices that will bring growth instead of sitting in solitude and unnecessarily suffering. We have to change the script.

Today I did something very difficult. I let go of my ego, pride, and stubborn will. I freed myself of this unhealthy, unrealistic, and counterproductive notion that somehow keeping my mouth shut meant I was stronger. I released the ridiculous belief that I deserved to take this situation on by myself. I decided I wanted normalcy more than I wanted what I always had. I changed the script.

Be bold enough, smart enough, and desire good health enough to make the switch from hoarding your hurt to actually helping yourself. If you are unsatisfied with how your life is playing out or the direction it is headed, change the script. If your life has been less than you imagined or you are on a roller coaster ride that you would rather get off of, change the script. If the words you tell yourself are discouraging rather than uplifting, change the script. Make sure that your narrative is true instead of comfortable, helpful instead of hurtful, and takes you where you desire to go instead of where you've always been. In order to change your life you may need to change the script.

Home Court

Over the weekend I attended the NCAA men's basketball Big Ten Tournament semifinals. From college basketball fanatics like me to March Madness rookies, the energy in Bankers Life Fieldhouse was equally felt. Cheering was expected, but in this intentionally neutral location, not affiliated with any collegiate team, the level of school spirit was exhilarating and inspiring.

Most of us will never know what it's like to step out on a basketball court and perform in front of thousands, but every single day all of us are challenged to live our best lives. At times, we will live in front of a home court—in situations and with people whom we are most at ease and comfortable. In those conditions we feel supported, prepared, and confident in our ability to perform well. In those circumstances, we can sense and hear the cheers of those who love us propelling us forward. What happens, though, when we are out of our comfort zone? What happens when we lose home court advantage?

As with sports, we can go through life performing where we're most comfortable. We can practice drills and plays that show off our skills. We can face opponents with which we're familiar. We can perform solely in arenas where we have home court advantage. However, if we want to develop, get stronger, and walk in our purpose, we have to become more. We have to push pass the skills we're already performing well, stretch ourselves further than familiarity, and walk in places beyond the comforts of our home court.

Life will force us to perform in situations that are not ideal nor desirable. We have to trust after being betrayed. We need to forgive even when holding a grudge feels safer. We must take a risk even while we're terrified. We are required to open up when we'd rather shut down. We have to exercise strength when we feel our weakest. The moments when we feel the most vulnerable, afraid, and insignificant offer the opportunity for us to discover our power, boldness, and relevance. It is in situations when we are separated from what's comfortable that we learn what's possible. It is only when we are removed from our familiar home court and are separated from our idea of normal that we can see with clarity and live with the intention of being exceptional.

Interpretations

Last week someone asked me if I’d ever been married. When I responded that I hadn’t he asked, “What’s wrong with you?” A few replies went through my mind, most not appropriate to share. Instead of whipping out a sharp retort, I laughed. While I found it an insensitive question, snapping at him would have confirmed what he thought—that something was wrong with me—and may have revealed that I believed it. I decided not to take his interpretation of my life as my own. He chose to view my being single as an indication of a deficiency or error, I did not.

We have all used the words and actions of others as an excuse to confirm what we believe about ourselves. It was easy for me not to latch onto the negativity associated with my relationship status because I genuinely do not believe anything is wrong with me being single. I have not met anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not a fault, just a fact. However, it’s not so simple with other areas of my life.

Living through the lens of an adult survivor of child abuse, there are days when I interpret how someone else treats me as confirmation of what I deserve. As a child, instead of considering that I was abused because others had a problem, I internalized the negative treatment. Over the years, I've used it to confirm an extremely destructive thought—I deserve it. When someone said or did something harmful or hurtful, I would tap right back into that “logic” and use it as proof that I deserve to be mistreated.

Your reactions to the words and behaviors of others are a reflection of what you think of yourself. When someone does or says something that you deem to be negative, intentionally consider what you will do with that information before you digest it. Without making a conscious decision to reject it, you will more than likely accept it as truth. Do not take ownership of someone else’s behavior. While you are responsible for who you allow into your life and what significance they hold, you cannot control their actions. S/he didn’t cheat on you because you deserve infidelity. You weren’t neglected because you deserve neglect. You weren’t talked down to because you're worthless. Do not use other people’s choices to confirm and strengthen negative self-talk. When you know the truth—that you deserve respect, care, attention, and love—you can interpret your place in the world honestly and with clarity.

Focus Your Energy

Do you see the rain or the calm in the distance?
Both are true, but which caught your eye?

I asked two people about a vacation they shared. The first told a story filled with disappointment, mishaps, and borderline misery. The second gave an animated story that centered on her gratitude for being able to take a vacation. Even though they were on the same trip, they gave differing accounts because their experiences were painted by their perceptions.

Life is filled with a variety of experiences. There are things we plan for, occasions we can't plan for, times for a plan b, high highs, low lows, and everything in between. We overcome hardships, create new realities for ourselves, adjust to new normals, love, laugh, lose, and learn to fully live. What differs between us is how we interpret life and live within the framework that it provides.

When I kayaked for the first time I was in Honduras. I expected gorgeous sun rays to warm my face. I expected gentle waves to lap the side of the kayak. I expected peace. What I got was a tropical deluge. What I got was drenched. What I got was a totally unexpected story, one far more enjoyable to tell and remember than what I envisioned. Just as with the kayaking experience, I could focus on the times when I expected sunshine, peace, and ease yet received cloudiness, downpours, and hard work. Instead, I prefer to focus my energy on being grateful, strengthened, and learning to use wisdom.

Listen to your conversation. Reflect on your thoughts. Do you focus your attention on the mishaps, delays, downpours, and disappointments? Or do you share and remember the beauty, the time spent with those you love, the outcomes that were better than you expected, and appreciate that you are able to influence the quality of your life?

You already use energy, whether purposefully or not, to interpret your life and what happens in it. Why not use that energy to your benefit? Why not use that energy to live better? This does not equate to being delusional or irresponsible with your reality. Life does deliver difficulty. However, the way that you cope with hardship and express gratitude for fortune is greatly impacted by how you focus your energy. Invest in yourself and the quality of your life by taking the time to be more purposeful in focusing your thoughts.

Read last week's post, Give Back the Burden.

A Life Worth Watching

It saddens me to see advertisements for so-called reality television shows. In thirty second commercials we're promised some verbal assault or even worse, a physical altercation. It’s upsetting not only because someone decided that we would be intrigued by belligerence, but mostly because ratings prove that it’s true. When shows promise us a confrontation, we tune in excitedly and in record numbers. I’m not here to launch a campaign against reality television, but I do hope that we aren’t teaching the children in our lives that being rude is worthy of imitation. I hope that we are not promoting a lifestyle of selfishness and a lack of control under the guise of “keeping it real” because in reality all this behavior is doing is keeping it real ridiculous.

History dictated that certain groups of people (women and minorities) were forced to demand respect and give themselves a voice, but along the way, society has shifted entirely too far. Now, American culture celebrates anyone who stands up to everybody and acts as if that's strength. While I’m not advocating that anyone become a doormat, we need to establish what real strength is. It takes more strength to engage in an intelligent conversation than it does to spew out insults and expletives. It takes more strength to walk away than to be taken away. It takes more strength to be kind than it does to be careless.

As you go through your daily routine I challenge you to consider how you engage with others. Do you allow people to easily push you from your center? Do you exercise the same amount of patience that you expect others to give to you? Have you ever considered that the person you were all too happy to give a piece of your mind just lost a loved one or was recently given a life-altering diagnosis? Next time someone does or says something that threatens your inner-reality TV star to come blazing, consider whether you are living a life really worth watching.